Jessica Simpson knows how to react when life hands her a lemon. She eats the lemon, then shakes life by the shoulders screaming “More lemons! MORE LEMONS!”

And then she runs off and holds up a Krispy Kreme outlet at gunpoint and orders one of the staff to help her chug an entire day’s worth of glaze in one go right from the machine. Because, you see, Jessica Simpson is fat.

OK, Jessica Simpson isn’t fat. But one photo taken months ago made her look slightly fatter than usual. So Jessica Simpson is making a TV series about it. Seriously.

Without wanting to seem impolite, gorging on sausage rolls until her body ended up looking like a child’s sock stuffed with a wheelbarrow full of luncheon meat was probably the best thing that Jessica Simpson has ever done.

We mean it. Look at the evidence – not so long ago, Jessica Simpson was just another former popstar with her best years behind her, a film career that had bottomed out and a sideline as a country artist that didn’t interest anybody in the slightest. Then someone took a photo of Jessica Simpson in a pair of jeans that made her arse look like two hippos wrestling inside a latex glove and – bam! – Jessica Simpson’s back in the gossip magazines where she belongs.

And Jessica Simpson’s not going to let this opportunity slip through her fingers. That’s partly because her fingers are still coated with honey from the time she kicked over a beehive and ate the contents in a fit of hunger a few weeks ago, but it’s also because Jessica Simpson has spotted a niche, and she’s determined to milk it for all she can. She’s already discussed her weight at length, so that makes her an expert on body-image. And what do experts do? That’s right, they make TV shows. The New York Daily News reports:

The singer, who has repeatedly faced public scrutiny for her fluctuating weight, has reportedly visited TV networks to pitch a reality series titled “The Price of Beauty.” The show will be based on society’s outlook of women’s bodies, Us Weekly reports in its upcoming issue. “She and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why,” says a source.

We’re not sure if Jessica Simpson’s The Price Of Beauty will be about people with genuine body-image issues, or just about people who had one picture taken of them that made them look a bit chubby and then refused to shut up about it, but we’re sure it will be excellent. If only because Jessica is bound to find somewhere on her global adventure where bright orange girls with big jaws are considered beautiful, and she’ll stay there forever.

Anyway, we don’t want to spoil Jessica Simpson’s The Price Of Fame for anyone, but – based on her other forays into reality TV – we think we know how it’ll end. Jessica Simpson will set off to explore the concept of body-image but then fall out of love with the concept of body-image a few episodes in, after which she’ll keep her obviously sham exploration of body-image going because the money’s good, and then she’ll divorce it a couple of days after the show gets cancelled.

Just a hunch, like.

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