Poor old Bristol Palin, she’s got a shotgun wielding nutcase of a mother, had a child with a man who has neck so red that it can’t be seen by the naked eye and, unbelievably, she failed to win some shoddy yank spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing.

In what can only be seen as an attempt to desperately claw back some semblance of dignity, dear sweet Brizzle has appeared in a Public Service Announcement for safe sex, alongside none other than Mike, “The Situation,” Sorrentino.

Yes, you did read that correctly, Bristol Palin is promoting safe sex with a man who is named after his own abdomen.

Rather predictably the word situation features heavily in the clip, and not just because the Jersey Shore star tosspot has an IQ that only allows him to repeat the words, “the situation,” over and over again whilst dribbling and staring far off into the distance.

Our intrepid heroes are seen backstage at Dancing With the Stars, talking about how they like to avoid situations whilst having situations because that situation could lead to another situation in which a final, drastically life altering, situation crops up, thereby ruining said original situation.

Get it? Neither do we.

BUT WAIT! That’s not even the most bizarre part of this travesty in the name of public service.

During the PSA we are subjected to the Situation (the numbskull with the flat stomach, not the overall circumstance Palin and Sorrentino find themselves in) trying to get his hands on Bristol’s bristols, only to be told that Palin likes to avoid those situations, because she’s all about the abs…tinence. DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE!?

HAHAHAHAHA!

The more current affairs savvy amongst you will have noticed that this PSA went viral just before the Pope announced that he wasn’t as against condoms as he was last week. It’s hard to say whether Palin and Sorrentino had anything to do with the Vatican’s decision to change its stance, but we here at hecklerspray like to think that the his holiness the Pope wears a What Would the Situation Do? wristband as he struts around Vatican City, with his slicked back hair hidden under his Papal headgear.

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, here is the B-Palin/Situation Safe Sex PSA in all its farcical glory.

Jesus Wept.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

So, the pope’s been and gone and the press worked themselves into a frenzy. The Sun tried to make it seem like he’s ‘the people’s choice’, whilst the Daily Mail bizarrely decided that he was some sort of anti-political correctness figurehead- like Jeremy Clarkson, only in a slower car.

Once again they got it wrong.

The people’s choice was to not give a shit. Sure he had adoring crowds who were prepared to overlook recent sex scandals but then again so do the England football team and people still want the man in charge of them to lose his job, so maybe he shouldn’t look too smug.

Whilst it was satisfying to see Britain being indifferent, it was also heartening to see protest with a sense of humour. Our favourite were these Father Ted inspired protests, here. There were a few gems elsewhere too (here).

These are all things to add to the list that makes one proud to be British. We’re brilliant at being rubbish in our protests and prankery.

Want proof? There’s much more to be had in this entirely subjective and made-up-on-the-spot waste of web-space list.

Blainetaunting

We like being wowed as much as the next post-industrial nation but we really don’t like pomposity. We temporarily took Brooklynite David Blaine to our hearts when he made those television specials in the 90s where New York-accented members of the public went “oh my gawd” in Brooklyn accents as he made playing cards appear behind car windows.

He then decided to be Houdini which was interesting, once. Unfortunately, like his twin brother M Night Shyamalan, we got bored of his one trick immediately, so when he spent time in a suspended glass box in London, the British public bombarded his box with random objects. The taunting hit its peak when one hero used a remote-controlled helicopter to hover outside his box with a McDonalds meal attached to tease the food-deprived humour vacuum inside.

Speed-trap Warning

We don’t generally speed. Not because of a sensible approach to road safety, but just because we avoid having to be in a hurry in the first place, but even we can appreciate oncoming motorists warning me about speed-traps. Regardless of our speed, the sight of a police van with a camera sticking out the back startles us with misplaced paranoia on an otherwise relaxed journey so we’d like to know in advance, thanks. Not to mention the fact that such consideration from other drivers is far removed from the seething road-rage you otherwise presume they feel towards you.

Dogging

Spring breaks filled with Hollywood beauties or Jamaican hedonism resorts? No sir, our extra-bedroom naughtiness takes place in public car parks in woods. Nothing says Brit erotica more than a middle-aged grunting man making sweet love through the open window of a T-reg Ford Mondeo.

The Jedi Census

According to the 2001 census there are more Jedi in England and Wales than Sikhs, Hindus or Buddhists. An achievement considering that this was two years after The Phantom Menace had come out, but that’s blind faith for you.

Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One

Everyone except the public missed the point on this one. Cowell thought he could convince everyone that his latest fame-whore missing out on the top spot was the real victim. Cynical journalists drew attention to Sony’s win-win stake. Even Rage themselves saw it as a victory for people power against manufactured pop.

The truth was simply that the idea of a song with 16 fucks and 1 motherfucker being the Christmas Number One was one that we thought was quite funny. The fact that the humourless Cowell, a man who takes great pleasure in being smug about knowing everything about the marketing of pop music was completely bemused by the situation was an added bonus.

So there you go- vaguely topical, slightly amusing and containing almost no insight whatsoever but less dangerous to read in your lunch break than the Daily Mail.

This post was written by Si Sharp who still has the best moustache in the world.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

It’s fair to say that if you’re gay, Protestant or a follower of any other religion apart from Christianity, then The Pope will blow raspberries at you.

It’s the job of The Pope – otherwise known as God’s right hand man – to tell us we’re all living in deep sin and will burn in hell.

Apart from pestering people to not wear condoms, The Pope doesn’t really have much in common with young people. You won’t see him in line at the kebab shop after dancing away at a seven hour rave. However, you could see him holding up the lines at the local cinema as queues to see the latest Harry Potter flick.

We imagine that it’s quite difficult for The Pope to get out during the daytime. With an army of followers who are actually real and not just porn spam on Twitter, he’d be recognised everywhere he went, making it impossible for him to nip down the off license for a crate of Peroni and packet of pork scratchings. He’ll have angel-like minders to get things for him, but where’s the fun in that?

Confined to the inner walls of The Vatican where he does nothing but read the Bible and build crosses out of balsa wood, we imagine The Pope is bound to get a little bit bored. But any of his extracurricular activities would need to be at least semi-related to Christianity. So no Babestation for The Pope.

If we were The Pope, we’d start to write a rival religious text, adding subtle differences such as giving Jesus chainsaws for arms and Moses the ability to breathe fire. It would instantly bring a wave of new followers to Christianity.

Sadly, The Pope turned to Harry bloody Potter instead. As we all know, the Harry Potter series has been a worldwide success for JK Rowling. After destroying a small forest in order to print the millions of copies of books, there are now also lunchboxes, pencil cases and other pointless pieces of tat covered in Harry Potter’s wizardy face.

However, when The Pope sat down with his hotdog and diet coke, he was in for a nasty surprise. All this hocus pocus of making potions in a lab, flying around on a broomstick and generally having fun shocked him so much he dropped his half-eaten penis-shaped snack! This isn’t the Christian way at all. Subsequently the following papal statement was issued about Harry Potter:

“The character was evil and born of “the devil.”

Well that isn’t very good is it? Surely his influential comments would drive away tons of people from seeing the film. Oh wait, it didn’t. Never mind, at least the comments made for an interesting Grumpy Old Men audition tape if nothing more. But that was then – times have changed. Now The Pope loves Harry Potter so much that he’d like to make contact with Daniel Radcliffe via a hug. Which definitely wouldn’t be gay. According to the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano:

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is the best of the series yet. The Vatican say that the film “made the age-old debate over good v evil crystal clear” and said it had the “correct balance” not exhibited in the other films.”

Why couldn’t The Pope have banned the film adaptation of Dan Brown‘s The Da Vinci Code instead? Everyone in the world would have been united in happiness then. Not just pissed off cinema goers.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!