Civil servants should be very, very worried. Your time is up. You’re about to be killed. Hunted like mongrels and executed before your weeping families. It sounds fanciful, but it is definitely, definitely going to happen.

That’s because the good people of Britain are unable to form opinions of their own, instead, they wait for celebrities to say things so they can be followed out to the letter.

Y’see, supreme leader of men, Jeremy Clarkson has called for all public sector workers to be shot dead in front of their families. He made an impassioned plea via popular chatshow, The One Show.

During his interview, Clarkson was asked what he would do with strikers, he replied:

“I would have them all shot”.

“I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families… I mean how dare they go on strike when they have these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed, while the rest of us have to work for a living.”

With that, twitter exploded in a flurry of activity. Within minutes of his comments, 46 civil servants in Lincolnshire had been rounded up in a public square and culled. The families of the executed were devastated but said to be understanding of the action.

One recent widow cried:

“I loved my wife. I really, really loved her… but Jeremy spoken, and well, we know that everything he says is incredibly grave and serious. We would’ve liked the opportunity to fight our corner, but when Clarkson speaks, there’s no stopping what follows.”

A 20-year-old lady who watched her father being shot through the face by Clarksonites, noted:

“I’m obviously saddened by this, but in time, I’ll remember that everything Jeremy Clarkson says is considered, thought-out infinitely and deadly, deadly serious.”

The cull is set to continue today. All public sector buildings are advised to keep a look-out for marauding individuals wearing double denim and chanting the riff from ‘Black Night’ over and over. This is just like the time Clarkson made all the lorry drivers of the world go on a killing spree of prostitutes.

Stay vigilant folks.

This week’s filthy likes and dislikes.

Folded:

• Scott Mills (annoying as you like on the radio, but fair play to him for making that difficult The World’s Worst Place to Be Gay? programme. Slapped repeatedly with a chicken for goodness sake)
• National Express’ profits are up nearly 40% (great news for them, though undoubtedly means we are all too poor and undignified to get the train)
• Colin Firth not winning Best Actor at the Academy Awards (c’mon let’s get behind this idea and see if the world really does end)
• Born This Way by Lady Gaga (yes it sounds like Express Yourself and yes we don’t care)
• The Social Network, out this week on DVD (populated entirely by characters you won’t give a stuff about. Still worth borrowing a copy off your mate)

Creased:

• That new Radiohead Album, The King of something or other (one step forward, two steps back)
• Jesse J (looks a bit like Katy Perry, sounds a bit bus stop)
• Talking to celebrities (what would you say to someone in the biz you actually admire if you met them? Exactly, your question is pants and/or offensive. He/she has now left and you’ve been escorted from the building)
• Martin Sheen on BBC’s The One Show (seemingly confused but still ace Hollywood megastar meets the very worst UK TV has to offer. Proud)
• Virgin Media’s ‘A More Exciting Place to Live’ advert (so painfully up its own passage that BT almost seems like a better option)

Jason Manford – the comedian who no-one really slags off because they’re too busy slating Michael McIntyre, despite the fact the pair exist in the same place – has always been straight down the middle.

Effectively, Manford (almost admirably) has always been very open and honest about wanting to be famous. However, as his star rose, he got a gig with The One Show. And with that came the glitter of celebrity.

And with celebrity, come the trappings with it. Basically, Manford has got himself caught up in a sex scandal which has seen him delivering the most devastating of blows to us all… HE’S DELETED HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT. Don’t worry, we’re setting up a helpline right now.

So, what’s he been up to then? Well, he’s actually been more interesting than you could ever give him credit for. Unlikely as it seems, Jason Manford has ‘fessed up that he’s been engaging in internet sex sessions with a dozen or so fans.

Racy! Well. Not quite. It’s not like he actually penetrated anyone is it? Still, we’ll work with what we’ve got. Whatever he’s been up to, he’s decided to step down as host of The One Show.

Apparently, Manford indulged in a series of saucy Skype video calls with female fans, as well as swapping dirty messages on Twitter. We didn’t know he had it in him! Of course, now he’s been rumbled, he’s becoming crashingly boring again as he puts out pleading hands and mouths ‘don’t judge me, for I am just a silly man’.

He told The Sun:

“I have only myself to blame. I have never felt so low. If I was reading this about someone else, I’d think, ‘What an arsehole. How can he look at himself in the mirror?’

“I think it was because there was a danger to it. I don’t drink or do drugs, so it’s not like I’ve those to blame – just my own stupidity. Every word seems an excuse – but I am sorry. I don’t want to be crying in front of people, I want to be making them laugh.”

Oh Jason! You are making us laugh! We’re thinking of you with your flaccid member in your hand, chatting up girls from Bognor Regis while sat in a hotel room somewhere.

“I went on Skype with a few girls. They also sent pictures on Twitter. It all happened on tour. It’s boredom and loneliness.

“It was a few weeks back and I was in a hotel and a couple of them went too far. We would start off flirty, then innuendo and then a bit saucy. It was just nice to have some interaction I suppose. But the next morning I would wake up and think, ‘Fuck. Oh my God.’

“The mad thing was, when I was chatting there were messages I knew went too far. They weren’t just flirty. I can’t even describe it. It’s such a weird world online. People throw themselves at you.”

That’s it Jason. You blame it on ‘the internet’ rather than acknowledging that pretty much everyone flirts shamelessly online and that a huge portion of the public have sent a mucky picture or two to people they’ve talked to online. In all honesty, hecklerspray thinks less of you if you haven’t done it. What’s wrong with you people? Send someone a picture of your genitals this instant!

Manford has told everything to his wife because they’re due to have their third child together.

“The fundamental thing is, I was a d**khead. My wife has called me a d**khead,” he said. “We have had a serious sit-down about it and agreed that what we’ve got is worth fighting for.

“She’s fine and we’re fine. The kids are fine. We’ve got another one in three weeks. I don’t feel any less of a dad but I still feel I’ve let them down. I just hope they never find out. I hope we can move on.

“My wife texted me today to say, ‘Me and you are fine. We are dealing with it.’ I am upset that I have disappointed people. Everyone makes mistakes.”

And so, all those (presumably ace) mucky pictures sent via Twitter are now gone as the comedian deleted his account without any ceremony. He leaves over 200,000 fans wondering whether they should have all sent him mucky snaps.

Shame. He’s was just getting interesting and then he went all limp and lame. hecklerspray, you’ll be thrilled to know, is still accepting disgusting, depraved pictures from fans and admirers.

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Ever been interested in the mating ritual of a rare Spanish moth that only visits the UK once every six years?

Probably not we imagine, but on The One Show this is the sort of random packaged report you’ll find alongside a hard-hitting expose of America’s serial killers. Expert opinion will also be thrown in for you not to care about in the form of some famous person who’s flogging a book/CD/dress/livestock.

But alas, the show isn’t the same any more since miserable West Brom fan Adrian Chiles decided to jump broadcasting ship and go to ITV. Instead of boring us during our tea for the BBC, he’ll be doing the same for ITV, just in the morning GMTV timeslot. And in a tribute to the presenter, audio/visual comedy gods Cassetteboy have knocked up this hilarious video…

OK, we should have maybe posted it a month or so ago, but it’s still very funny and will make you laugh, even if you’ve successfully been able to avoid The One Show:

Look, we know Cassetteboy are geniuses – they can even get a few belly laughs out of Lenny Henry. God knows he’s failed plenty of times to achieve the same thing himself.

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The daughter of ex-British Prime Minister and semi-professional impersonator of Zelda from Terrahawks Margaret Thatcher could be a racist.

Unrelatedly, the Pope is reported to be “off for a dump in the woods”.

It never rains alleged racism, but it pours. Following hot on the fascistic little heels of Miley Cyrus comes the news that Carol Thatcher, manly daughter of ex-PM Maggie, may have said something that could maybe, perhaps on a foggy night, have been taken as, well, terrifyingly klanlike.

Apologies, but we must bring you the shocking and perhaps worldview-changing factish that a member of Margaret Thatcher‘s family holds somewhat less than tolerant views of non-white people. It’s hard, but we’re just about holding it together here: Maggies’s manly daughter, Carol, reportedly still holds in her tiny mind the image of a golliwog as an appropriate reference for describing people with curly hair.

Love her or hate her, there’s no denying that Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was a forthright lady. “I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.” “I don’t mind how much my Ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.” And, “Ronnie’s been acting a bit funny lately, think he’s lost a sandwich?”

Well, it seems that as the saying has it: “Like offensively prejudiced mother, like unreformedly bigoted daughter”, because Carol Thatcher is in some hot water for making remarks that could possibly, slightly, just a little bitly, be seen as horrifyingly racist.

Now, for us and you, whenever we are shown a cartoon golliwog we think only of the times when we used to see the image on the sides of jam jars and how we would turn the container in our hands, trying to find the hidden swastika. But apparently, when Carol Thatcher sees a golliwog, her first thought is “oh titter, what hilarious hair the little black chap has”.

Or at least, that is her defence against the charges of racism which have arisen from a private conversation she had with Adrian Chiles (face like a bulldog after a stroke) and Jo Brand (wood-melting fat lady). Faced with charges that she described a professional tennis player as a ‘golliwog’, Carol has been shouting that she was referring to his hair. And definitely not the completely irrelevant fact wherever did you get that idea from that he’s a darkie. According to The Mirror:

Her spokeswoman called it a harmless joke. She said: “She made a light aside about this player and the similarity to the golliwog on the jam pot when she was growing up.” Carol added: “I’m completely baffled by all the fuss.”

Defining people by their hair? Seems fair to us. Whenever we see Jeremy Clarkson on the telly we can’t help ourselves but be overcome by the shout: “Oh, God. You are a horrific twat”.

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When we heard that John Sergeant from Strictly Come Dancing was releasing a song called Let’s Not Fight This Christmas as a single for The One Show, we responded in time-honoured fashion.

Namely – like the jumped-up little Veruca Salts we are – we pointed out that listening to John Sergeant try and musically channel the spirit of Christmas for three minutes would be about as festive as carbon monoxide poisoning. But we were wrong.

We know this because regular hecklerspray reader Kenton Hall co-wrote the bloody thing, and he helpfully informed us that John Sergeant only faintly appears in the chorus. So, thankfully, does Adrian Chiles. In fact, the bulk of the singing on Let’s Not Fight This Christmas is done by Chris Difford out of Squeeze.

So, by way of an apology to Kenton, and partly out of sheer relief that we won’t have to hear a Christmas song performed by a man who looks like Santa’s gout-ridden cousin, not only are giving you the video to Let’s Not Fight This Christmas to watch, but also some links to where you can buy the song from iTunes and Amazon and HMV.

If that’s not enough to convince you, know that the song’s been released to raise money for Children In Need. And if that’s still not enough, know that YouTube user simpsondudes has called it “the best sond i hav heard in ages, lol”. Enough said, really.