If there’s one thing Hecklerspray thoroughly enjoys, it’s necking with the various plant life naturally inhabiting Puerto Rico. Sure – you may think that sounds weird but that’s just because you’ve never seen one of their shrubs in a bikini. You should go in the late spring – that’s when things are particularly leafy.

If there’s another thing we love it’s watching Broadway shows written by heavy-set senior citizens who carry guns through airport metal detectors and then fake dismay when TSA declines them that privilege.

Lucky for us, then, that Jerry Lewis is bringing his Nutty Professor movie to Broadway.

Jerry Lewis is going to turn the Nutty Professor into a Broadway musical. He likely takes the task quite seriously because he knows there’s gotta be at least enough good source material for Eddie Murphy to remake it in 30 years time.

We’ve yet to see the script, but there are a couple of things we feel secure in predicting as definite inclusions. The first, of course, being that any effeminite male-characters are definitely gonna know how to read – lesson learned, eh Jerr? Secondly – you can feel free to bring a gun to the show so long as you don’t try to use it at the overpriced snack bar. The last thing you’re sure to see present on opening night is all the actors looking quite confused as they appear to fake a heart attack in a director’s chair off the cuff.

That’s just what happens when the guy sitting there is older than Moses.

That’s right – Lewis is directing. Playbill News has the scoop:

“Marvin Hamlisch and Rupert Holmes will write the songs, and legendary actor, director, writer and producer Jerry Lewis will make his theatrical directorial debut with the new Broadway musical, The Nutty Professor, based on the 1963 film that Lewis starred in and co-wrote.”

When asked how excited he was to direct on Broadway, Lewis mumbled something about misplacing his bottom teeth, and then he turned up his TV set to an unearthly volume and held up one of those old-timey hearing-cones to his ear.

That’s more of an approximation than a quote. Here’s a quote:

“I was born with show business in my blood and working on Broadway gets it coursing through my veins like no other place can. Marvin and Rupert have given one of my favorite and most enduring films…a hilarious and gorgeous adaptation for Broadway and I could not be happier. Does this story sing and dance? You bet it does.”

If you are planning to attend on opening night – don’t bother. We feel like telling you he’s filling the seats with kids who suffer from that disease he always tries to fight. What is it again? The pumpkin flu?

So unless you want to get really sick and die from something with no known cure – don’t go that night.

Really you can go. We made up the sick-kids bit.

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