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The Mirror

That popular bogeyman, the BBC, has had to suffer the slings and arrows of British newspaper writers again over the last few weeks. It’s been very quiet since Christmas in tabloid-news terms. That doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been plenty of events that have been shaping the world- simply that there hasn’t been adequate stories to keep tabloid readers interested.

Nothing sells better than incensing people and given them that warm fuzzy glow that comes from feeling indignant. The Eastenders Cot Death Story Controversy should not be confused with The Eastenders Cot Death Story.

The latter revolved around one of its central characters losing her baby to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and then stealing anther character’s baby. The former asks some terrifying questions about the BBC about whether they hate all ‘right-thinking’ people.

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My early years took place in that terrible time of flux as the 80s closed and the 90s opened up.

The Berlin Wall was crumbling, Thatcher was on her way out, the greed-is-good years were still in full swing. So how the hell did the grown-ups of this era not do better than Saved by the Bell, Baywatch and Pat Sharp’s inhumane hair?

Thankfully we’ve been able to brush most of this era under the now-tastefully-plain carpet and are free to enjoy The Hoff’s slide into implosive alcoholism without red Speedos sullying anyone’s eyes.  However, this weekend saw a blast from the past. Much like long-forgotten pictures of you sporting yesteryear’s fashion you may remember this particular blast fondly, but would never admit that to your friends. PRINCE IS BACK!

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If you don’t have at least a couple of hours to spare – never bring up the topic of earthquakes around Kelly Osbourne’s boyfriend.

If you do, he’ll likely tell you all about how they are a sudden release of energy from deep within the earth, and how they’re caused by plate tectonics. Then, if your experience is anything like ours, the topic of plate tectonics will send him on a Pangea tangent, and he’ll tell you about how the continents are all drifting back together at incredibly slow speeds, and they’re all gonna collide one day causing brand new mountain ranges to pop up all along former coast lines. Oh, also he’ll say something about praying you’re not alive when that time comes.

He even used a laser pointer and a colour-coded slide show. A real pill, we tell ya.

One writer didn’t know earthquakes were the secret passion of Kelly Osbourne‘s newest flame. We’re not sure what boyfriend’s name is, and we really can’t be bothered to check. Let’s just call him Big Gay Bruce. Anyway – one author recently said something about Big Gay Bruce not knowing how an earthquake happens.

This, apparently, led to a slap-happy assault on the author by Osbourne herself – with hands flying everywhere! Except not in the plural!

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