Kate Moss is a dribbling simpleton isn’t she? No, not because she’s a model who are all uniformly thick. You know Moss is a dunce by looking at her circle of friends and lovers. She was in a romance with wailing barf-bucket Pete Doherty, as well as (reportedly) chasing Courtney Love around a hotel so she could stick fingers into Hollywood’s largest vagina.

She’s also chums with the bass player from The Most Overrated Group In The Whole World The Clash and hangs around with glass-eyed Sadie Frost. Her world is filled with people hurr-hurring to themselves about how funny clouds are and filled with silences teaming with brains trying to work out how people manage to grow sausages in a can.

And now, she’s swapping bodily fluids with Jamie Hince (a nobody from nothing band The Kills) and having a marriage which may or may not be a figment of our collective imagination.

Apparently, the wedding she had to Hince IN A CHURCH wasn’t real. These days, it seems that Sicilian Catholic churches are willing to sidestep tradition and sort out wealthy models with a blessing. Obviously, churches in Italy are famous for that sort of thing aren’t they?

Clearly, Kate Moss is learning that musicians are generally the most boring people on the planet and that, if you’re going to shack-up with one, then you should at least brace yourself for the moment when you realise just how crashingly dull they are, and safeguard against the inevitable break-up and money demands that always arise from celebrity marriages.

That’s right. If you say a wedding is a blessing, then it makes it alright to dump someone and not give them any of your money.

That means you don’t have to stop forking out cash on your decadent lifestyle choices like buying compilation videos of CCTV footage featuring Naomi Campbell throwing various objects and blood-soaked diamonds at assistants and hangers-on. ALLEGEDLY.

Of course, Kate is aping the Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger who has pulled the I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Real Marriage stunt with loads of women, famously, model Jerry Hall. He got wed at a Hindu ceremony in Bali before annulling it saying that the whole thing wasn’t legally binding.

A source says:

“Kate is convinced Jamie is The One… or at least, The One for now.

“When Jamie proposed, she accepted – but only after giving it a great deal of thought. She was adamant the wedding would be totally secret and very boho.

“Her mucker Mick once joked to her that blessings were the way to go because they meant no loss of independence – financial or otherwise. Kate told Jamie their wedding would be as traditional and sacred as any other wedding, which is why they exchanged rings.

“There just wouldn’t be as much paperwork.”

Anyway, we’re not supposed to know about this marriage because, aside from not giving the remotest of monkeys, Moss wanted all hush-hush.

However, we do know, so we all get too look forward to various reports of Kate Moss throwing tantrums and tiny, skeletal punches toward people who we’ll never know the names of.

Brilliant.

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Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments.

She’s also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream – at one point or another, they’ve all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker.

Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she’s inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it’s OK – she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!

After realising that heroin and cats were more important to Pete Doherty than her, Kate Moss is now shacked up with Jamie Hince from The Kills. While Jamie Hince doesn’t get arrested every ten minutes like Pete Doherty, they do have something in common. The music of Babyshambles and the music of The Kills ain’t too great.

While Doherty seems to blab on about drug-induced confrontations with Mexican dancers and telephone poles, Hince just spouts out generic indie rubbish. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of real flare or bite to him. Quite likely because he is still over the moon that he’s been able to pull a model and not a girl from Camden who’d suck him off for a packet of chips.

During her time with Pete Doherty, Kate Moss didn’t destroy any of his stuff. Well, that we know of. He was already gone mentally. But Kate has done the world a favour by destroying the only known recordings of her current squeeze’s songs! Hooray! Now we won’t have to see The Kills give shit performances to backing tracks because they can’t recruit a drummer.

Will the world be a worse place without these songs? Only if your skinny jeans have cut off the circulation to your brain and the only thing you crave is twangless indie bilge. According to reports, the couple had a bit of a tiff on a weekend break, where they most definitely planted trees and didn’t get naked or anything. Digital Spy say:

“Kate Moss hurled the musician’s manbag, which contained a laptop, Blackberry and personal diary, into the water.”

Jesus, not his manbag. How’s the poor sod going to carry his various moisturiser and other unmanly things around? His pockets? Hince seemed a bit pissed off about this and supposedly:

“Jumped into the pool to rescue his possessions because the computer contained new songs for his band The Kills.”

So, dear reader, will you be able to sleep tonight? What will you do without having some tedious indie missing in your life for another six months or so? You could always mooch down the local indie club. Or you pray that the same thing happened to everyone else. Especially Razorlight.

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