Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.
We don’t have to remember the winners. We don’t have to remember the forced stage banter. In fact, aside from the speech where Sandra Bullock praised her husband without realising that he’d been secretly boning a tattooed Nazi fetishist on the sly, we don’t remember a single thing about The Oscars at all. But Sigourney Weaver does.
Sigourney Weaver remembers that her film Avatar hardly won any Oscars, even though it was prettier than everything else, more technologically advanced than anything else and had about 30 more offensive blue Jesus-aliens in it than anything else. Why does Sigourney Weaver think that Avatar fared so miserably at The Oscars – simple, it’s because James Cameron doesn’t have a vagina. Obviously.
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Last night’s Oscars set up a number of rivalries – Sandra Bullock vs Meryl Streep, Steve Martin vs Alec Baldwin.
Crippling tedium vs wanting to shoot yourself in the mouth. But perhaps the biggest Oscars rivalry of them all was Avatar vs The Hurt Locker. One a low-budget issue-led drama about modern warfare, the other the world’s most expensive PS3 cutaway scene. One a commercial juggernaut, the other a flop. One directed by a woman, the other directed by a man with woman’s hair, which is more or less the same thing. Which film would emerge from the Oscars triumphant?
Turns out it was The Hurt Locker. So, you know, it’s probably time to start pretending that you’ve already seen it and stuff.
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It’s the Oscars on Sunday! Excited? No, us neither! It’s basically a big smug party that we’ll never be invited to.
But it could be worse. We could be Nicolas Chartier. As a producer of The Hurt Locker, the Oscars were supposed to be Nicolas Chartier’s moment of glory – when his little film could finally beat the odds and be recognised as the cinematic masterpiece that it is. He’d get to hold the Oscar high above his head, express his gratitude to millions of people and then go off to a glitzy afterparty where he could spend hour after hour trying to look down Kate Winslet‘s top.
But that’s not to be. You see, Nicolas Chartier has become the first ever Oscar nominee to be banned from the ceremony, and all because he wrote a silly email that slagged off Avatar. Whoops.
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Last night The Hurt Locker swept the board at the BAFTAs, winning six awards. But screw all that.
Because we were there too. As is becoming gloriously traditional, hecklerspray was invited to cover the BAFTAs red carpet. And, as is becoming equally traditional, we were abysmal. While we may have seen the likes of James Cameron and Prince William and Robert Pattinson from a distance, our freakish proximity to George Lamb from BBC Three meant that most of these people sensibly kept as far away from us as possible.
What follows is a video diary of the night. It’s intended to be a first-hand account of A-list BAFTAs glamour. You, on the other hand, might see it as the painful unravelling of one man’s mind as he slowly realises that he’s desperately in love with George Lamb from Young Butcher Of The Year. Please enjoy, and promise not to judge us too harshly…
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Christmas is over, you’ve got those rubbish gadgets and books that you’ll never read and all you can think about is that £20 voucher that your Gran threw at you.
Here are a few home video releases that you may have missed during the holidays:
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Now that it’s April, we don’t have to remember anything about what happened at The Oscars, and it’s beautiful.
