Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called ‘Gollum’ who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too.

Then there’s our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien’s 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn’t like people enjoying themselves.

You know the kind of old man we are talking about. He’s the neighbour who used to look forward to your ball going over the fence, just so he could drive a pitch fork through it while laughing maniacally.

In fact, according to Film School Rejects, even his his own relatives call him ‘cantankerous’ and doubt if he’s ever even seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy in his life.

So what’s his problem? Well, again, according to Film School Rejects, he wants to shut down filming of the fantasy classic on the grounds New Line Cinema owe him bundles of cash (cue more maniacal laughter).

In fact, he is going to court in California on June 6 to ask that the rights to The Hobbit – which will be split into two films and will now star Ron Perlman – are terminated.

He says the only reason his father sold the rights in the first place was to pay for a tax bill. And now he wants them back.

Now, we at hecklerspray are no legal eagles, but we still don’t see how he has a furry, big foot to stand on.

If you sold something to pay for something else, however annoying, you no longer own it, right?

If not, well, just think of what we could claim back.

Anyway, he is still owed £80m under an agreement which gave the family a 7.5 per cent share of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

And judging by the lengths Peter Jackson had to go to just to get paid by New Line, it’s not surprising he is pretty angry with them.

He also has an ace up his sleeve.

He owns the rights to Tolkien’s novel and LOTR companian The Silmarillion, which director and Hobbit look-a-like Guillermo Del Toro and producer Peter Jackson hope to use while making the second film.

So we are sure something will be sorted out in time for the project to go ahead. At least we know who the REAL Lord of the Rings is.

It’s been a long time coming, but finally New Line Cinema and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios have announced that they’re packing Guillermo del Toro off to New Zealand for the next four years so he can concentrate on making The Hobbit and its sequel, The Hobbit 2: The Hobbit In Space.

It doesn’t take a genius to see why Guillermo del Toro was chosen to direct the Hobbit movies – his flair for visual invention as demonstrated in Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy will really bring a sense of panache to his task of filming a bunch of midgets walking across the side of a mountain for six and a half titting hours.

There’s no doubting that the Lord Of The Rings trilogy was a landmark piece of cinema that moved the artform of self-indulgent, needlessly-overlong, self-important wankery that gave you deep vein thrombosis in your face just by making you watch it on by years, if not decades.

So it was inevitable that JRR Tolkien’s other book, The Hobbit, would get turned into a movie as well. It would have happened sooner but Peter Jackson had a fight with the studio and then everyone made up except that Peter Jackson decided he wanted to devote his time to making painfully long movies about dragons or something instead, so a new director of The Hobbit had to be found.

Finding the right director was a hard task, because whoever was chosen to make The Hobbit had to a) stay true to JRR Tolkien’s original vision, b) pad the story out enough to turn it into two movies so that everyone could get twice as rich from it and c) move to New Zealand, The Prettiest Place To Die Of Utter Fucking Mind-Shredding Boredom On Earth.

And while the early favourite to direct The Hobbit was Guillermo del Toro of Pan’s Labyrinth fame, nothing was made official. Until now, as Reuters reports:

Del Toro, whose credits include “Pan’s Labyrinth” and “Blade II,” will move to New Zealand for the next four years to work on both “Hobbit” films with executive producer Peter Jackson, who directed all three “The Lord of the Rings” movies, according to New Line Cinema and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios… “We have long admired Guillermo’s work and cannot think of a more inspired filmmaker to take the journey back to Middle-earth,” Jackson and his producing partner, Fran Walsh, said in a statement.

So, with filming set to begin next year, it’s full steam ahead for Guillermo del Toro as he makes all sorts of difficult decisions about The Hobbit. Will Ian McKellan return as Gandalf? Who will play Bilbo Baggins? Will del Toro be tied to the visual style of the Lord Of The Rings movies or will he be allowed to make it his own? Will the movie have one ending or will he follow Lord Of The Rings and film 38 different endings and then make everyone sit through them all one after the other for three extra hours when all they want to do it go to the toilet?

In 2010 we’ll find out, by being thumped on the head with The Hobbit marketing campaigns for months before it even comes out until we feel like we’re terrible people if we don’t see it. Then we’ll find out alright.

Read more:

Mexico’s del Toro to direct “The Hobbit” – Reuters

No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. 'Surprise! The ring's not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.' Real juvenile New Line! We'll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom's money! Sure, it's free from the government, but it's because she's disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema!

In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He's not going to direct though. He's going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book 'The Real Tolkien volume III,' which we wrote.

Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.

Peter Jackson, who is still fat but uses CGI to look thin, is going to have his hands in the new Hobbit movies. We've heard the new films will have more of a Transformers feel to them, which of course means that they will be about Frodo desperately trying to save humanity by pushing an electric square into Voltron's chest or something. We've seen the storyboard and it looks gripping.

Jackson and his wife will executive produce the new movies, but won't direct them because they are far too busy finding ways for dragons have a meaningful dialogue about race or something. According to Reuters:

"The makers of the smash hit "Lord of the Rings" films said on Tuesday they settled a legal dispute and agreed to make two movies based on J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit," but most likely without Peter Jackson directing. Oscar winner Jackson, however, has signed on as executive producer along with his wife and producing partner, Fran Walsh, who also was instrumental in making the three "Lord of the Rings" films that earned $3 billion at global box offices."

The first Hobbit movie is said to be titled Gollum: The College Years, and will mostly feature Andy Serkis winning a bet by making an ugly girl popular, winning a sport against incredible odds and/or getting mad and tossing around several drafting tables.

Like we already said, it seems quite gripping.

Read More:

Master of ‘Rings’ to Tackle ‘Hobbit’ – New York Times