Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Now that The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is ready to hit theaters in mid December and we're all excited (or indifferent, if you're some kind asshole) about returning to Middle-earth again only three questions remain to the intelligent moviegoer:
1. Has Robert Plant seen any of the Lord Of The Rings movies yet?
2. If so, what did he think of them?
3. Does he want to see The Hobbit?
The trailer for the first part of Peter Jackson’s hugely-anticipated return to Middle Earth, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, has hit the internet shelves for everyone to get all excited over.
Unless, of course, you can’t stand all that hairy toed adventure from pipe-smoking midgets.
Naturally, the trailer itself is over the jump of this article. This means we’ll have some padding to do before then in an attempt to make you watch it on our site rather than somewhere else. This requires a paragraph to leave you ‘hanging’, willing you to click ‘read more’. Please read more. It’ll be worth it. We’ve noticed a link between The Hobbit and the terrible 80s He-Man film, The Masters Of The Universe.
Lord of the Rings fans are some of the most peculiar people you’ll ever meet. hecklerspray was once faced with a nutter who had an exact copy of The Ring on his finger, as well as a backpack, identical to one sported by some hairy toed character from the book. He was sat in a pub and didn’t see anything wrong with dressing up like a pipe smoking tramp from the Shire.
Another fan informed us that they wrote out the first 200 pages of The Hobbit by hand, changing ‘Bilbo’ for their own name.
So it goes without saying that there’s a bunch of strange sorts out there who will be already swooning in anticipation at the prospect of the new Hobbit film… however, it isn’t exactly faithful to the text as Peter Jackson has decided to throw some eye-candy at it in the shape of Cate Blanchett.
The Office’s Martin Freeman is going to play Bilbo Baggins in two-part Lord of the Rings prequel The Hobbit. Peter Jackson has announced it so it must be true. And that’s after Freeman saying that he wasn’t going to be able to do the job a while ago.
In a statement, Peter Jackson said there had “only ever been one Bilbo Baggins for us”. While Freeman will be pleased to land such a huge role, he’ll probably be a bit gutted that he’s thought of as a hairy toed little troll.
Still, at least Jackson added that Freeman is “intelligent, funny, surprising and brave – exactly like Bilbo.” Brave? He’s thinking of Kylie, surely?
The Lord of the Rings franchise was rather successful, despite being rubbish. There wasn’t a single car-chase or decent sex-scene. What a load of rubbish. They didn’t even hire real dragons or anything.
With that, it’s not exactly bad news that Peter Jackson has warned that production on the forthcoming Hobbit movies could cease over a pay dispute with acting unions.
Yeah, hippies. How do you like that? The film might be stopped in its tracks and then you’ll have to… oh… read the book for the millionth time you Shire Weirdos.
Martin Freeman is a lucky actor. Like Michael Caine, he gets gigs in TV and film to essentially turn up and play himself. Lovely work if you can get it. And as such, Peter Jackson who makes all those awful Lord of the Rings films, offered Freeman the chance to play himself one again in the lead role of The Hobbit.
Freeman was offered the chance to play Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit film, and with it, a seven figure salary.
Did he say yes to a film that is almost certainly going to piss coins? No. He said no because he wanted to carry on as Sherlock Holmes’s sidekick Dr Watson. The tiny idiot.
Apparently, not everyone is looking forward to seeing the new adaptation of Tolkien’s The Hobbit.
Well, for starters, there is a deformed bloke in a village in Peru who keeps getting rocks thrown at him and being called ‘Gollum’ who wishes they would forget the whole idea. Saying that, he still has the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy on DVD – gold edition, too.
Then there’s our housemate Steve, who is just odd. And then there is Tolkien’s 83-year-old son Christopher, who just doesn’t like people enjoying themselves.
It’s official – Guillermo del Toro, the Bo Selecta Peter Jackson, is the director of the two upcoming Hobbit movies.
It’s been a long time coming, but finally New Line Cinema and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios have announced that they’re packing Guillermo del Toro off to New Zealand for the next four years so he can concentrate on making The Hobbit and its sequel, The Hobbit 2: The Hobbit In Space.
It doesn’t take a genius to see why Guillermo del Toro was chosen to direct the Hobbit movies – his flair for visual invention as demonstrated in Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy will really bring a sense of panache to his task of filming a bunch of midgets walking across the side of a mountain for six and a half titting hours.
Lava doesn't boil – it makes way for Earth farts. Granted, it may sometimes look as if its boiling, but that's just visual trickery provided by, as we already said, Earth farts. Air bubbles and what not.
No doubt this is the angle New Line intends to play with the new Hobbit movies that are finally moving forward. 'Surprise! The ring's not really destroyed, its just been resting next to a planet sized colon.' Real juvenile New Line! We'll not reward such nonsense with our money! Or our Mom's money! Sure, it's free from the government, but it's because she's disabled! Grow up New Line Cinema!
In more surprising news, Peter Jackson is definitely going to be attached to the film. He and New Line settled their disagreement allowing things to progress. He's not going to direct though. He's going to play King Kong who now conveniently has to destroy the ring the rest of the way. Seriously, it says so on page 12 in the book 'The Real Tolkien volume III,' which we wrote.
Which we intend to write. Maybe next week. We intend to write a Tolkien book maybe next week.
