The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.

Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.

Having nothing but her inflatables and low self-esteem to promote on the world’s stage, Heidi spent the weekend with Crystal Harris. The same Crystal who dumped Hugh Hefner five days before a wedding she admitted she’d pressured him into. The two girls aren’t friends, to be clear. They’re just equally attention-seeking and Heidi invited Crystal to spend the weekend at a promotional pool party in Las Vegas. Their jobs? To stand there, all fake-tanned, and stage awkward photos together.

This is the first event in some time for which anyone’s been willing to pay Heidi. Which hasn’t escaped her.

Months ahead of time, she began to prepare for the pool party/ photo call, fearing that she’d become overweight. Then she slimmed down and lied about working out 14-hours-a-day, every day, for months, to lose 27 pounds.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5?2? reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].”

Worse still, she nearly burst her inflatables with all that exercise. Won’t someone think of the breasts. Oh, the humanity!

“My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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Heidi Montag is furious. Admittedly you can’t see that, because surgery has rendered her face immobile.

But she is. She’s absolutely livid. And it’s all thanks to her no-good mother. Heidi Montag yesterday called the police because her mother Darlene Egelhoff committed the most heinous sin that a parent can ever commit. That’s right – she went to visit Heidi Montag unannounced, the gigantic bitch. For those unaccustomed to the nuances of the legal system, a mother visiting a daughter unannounced is a crime punishable by… oh, nothing. Turns out it’s not actually a crime.

To be fair to Darlene Egelhoff, she’s got a cracker of a defence case if this ever goes to court. After all, Heidi Montag doesn’t really look anything like Heidi Montag any more, so it’d be quite easy for Darlene to say that she thought she was simply visiting her local cut-price latex sex doll or something.

If you watch The Hills, you’ll be aware of the tension between Heidi Montag and her mother Darlene Egelhoff. It all started after Heidi underwent her plastic surgery marathon earlier this year. Viewers may remember that when Heidi Montag unveiled her new appearance, Darlene Egelhoff’s first reaction was to raise her eyebrows and drop her jaw. Following this, Heidi vowed never to speak to her mother again. Why? Here are our three theories:

1 – Heidi was upset that she couldn’t afford the procedures to permanently raise her eyebrows and drop her jaw, and was offended that her mother would point this out to her so subtly.

2 - Following her surgery, Heidi was left unable to move her eyebrows or open her mouth wide enough to drop her jaw, and thought that her mother was taking the piss by waggling both around in front of her.

3 - Heidi was offended that her mother didn’t approve of her plans to physically transform herself into a sort of rigidly disproportionate mutant Barbie doll.

Still, whatever the reason, Heidi Montag has declared war on her mother. And that’s why, when Darlene Egelhoff turned up at her house unannounced, Heidi Montag had no choice but to call the police. Even though the police are sort of powerless when it comes to people visiting their children. MSNBC reports:

“My mom showed up unannounced to my house when she knows I have no interest in seeing or talking with her,” Montag told Access. “I’m sick to my stomach she would even do something like this. She needs to stay away from me. I’m planning on getting a restraining order against her. She tore my heart out on national television. She is just trying to create drama in my life.”

We’ve got a lot to dispute with Heidi Montag’s argument here. For example, we doubt that she really is sick to her stomach, since reports suggest that she’s already had her stomach removed as part of her cosmetic transformation. And why is she upset that her mother ripped out her heart on national television? Think of how much weight she’ll lose without a heart. Honestly Heidi Montag, you really are a very silly girl sometimes.

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Bad news, anyone who’s ever wanted to sleep with either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt – you have a malfunctioning brain.

Oh wait. No, what we meant to say was that – despite rumours to the contrary – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still an item. There were whispers that Heidi had moved out of the marital home on Monday, almost immediately after The Hills finished production, but that apparently couldn’t be further from the truth.

To prove how much they love each other, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have verbally reaffirmed their love for one another. They would have done it through photography, but Heidi’s surgery has made that impossible – it doesn’t matter what emotion she aims for, it always ends up looking like she’s straining for a poo.

These are anxious times for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. The Hills is coming to end, which could also spell out their nightmarish, protracted 15 minutes of MTV sub-fame that they’ve enjoyed for the last handful of years. Soon enough we’ll have forgotten about them and moved onto a couple of witless choads from Jersey Shore, laughing at their dreadful music careers and hopeless attempts to grow beards and the fact that they’ve had so much plastic surgery that when they try to express emotion they look like there’s a rat trapped in their skull that’s trying to gnaw its way out instead.

And this period of change is bound to be hard for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Already Heidi has fired Spencer as her manager and hired a psychic to take his place, and Spencer has forged a new career combating cyberterrorism. Can a marriage sustain itself through upheavals like that? Yes. Can a marriage between two eminently unlikeable fame-hungry todge-pieces like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sustain itself through upheavals like that? No.

That’s what everyone thought earlier in the week, anyway, when it was reported that Heidi Montag had upped and left Spencer Pratt for good. But Heidi and Spencer have dismissed those claims as untrue, which has also given them the perfect opportunity to rush to the press and yak on about themselves some more. So, in a way, everyone wins. Apart from everyone on the entire face of the planet who isn’t either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt. People reports:

“I’m not moving out,” Montag, 23, says. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Adds Pratt, 26: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.” She adds: “All that we’ve been through has only made us work harder at our relationship and making it better. We want to fall more in love with each other every day.”

Well that’s just… hang on, nauseous. Well that’s just… no, no, it’s no good. We’re literally just about to vomit all down ourselves. Write your own pithy ending.

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Remember that episode of 24 where Jack Bauer grew a manky beard and married a woman who looked like a ropey sex doll?

You don’t? That’s because it never happened. But it doesn’t matter, because we’ve got the best thing. Heidi Montag‘s husband Spencer Pratt has decided to leave The Hills to concentrate on – and this is completely true – joining American Defence Enterprise’s cyber security division in an effort to prevent the hostile use of technology from endangering America’s military and financial muscle.

Truly, Spencer Pratt is just like Jack Bauer. Or, hopefully that CTU agent who looked a bit like Jack Bauer and went blind when that bomb blew up in his face on the beach a couple of years ago. Or that one who got his arm cut off. Either one of those two would be fine, really.

Spencer Pratt’s greatest attribute is his ability to adapt. Oh, and that beard of his that looks like a fungal infection. No, what are we talking about? That’s not an attribute at all. Oh, look, let’s just concentrate on his ability to adapt.

He’s essentially a firefighter, that’s what Spencer Pratt is. Wherever he’s needed most, that’s where we’ll find him. When the world of reality TV needed a universal villain; a braying, obnoxious dipstick who we could project all of our worst feelings onto, Spencer Pratt joined the cast of The Hills. When MC Miker G hung up his microphone, Spencer Pratt stepped in to take his place as the planet’s most obliviously untalented rapper. And when the world needed a collection of heroically ignored sub-Britney disco mewling, Spencer Pratt became his wife’s manager and helped steer her album Superficial to the bottom of the pop charts.

And what does the world need now? Well, duh – it needs to be saved from the villainous shadow of cyberterrorism, doesn’t it? And that’s why Spencer Pratt has left The Hills, given up his position as Heidi Montag’s manager and started to study software engineering so that he can assist the cyber security division of American Defence Enterprise. Seriously, we’re not making any of this up. Here’s what he told MSNBC:

“Upon learning of President Obama’s declaration that the ‘cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,’ I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.”

Obviously. While Spencer Pratt should be commended for deciding to take his life in a direction that he seems to have neither the capacity or mental aptitude for, we do feel a little sad that he’s not taking the MTV cameras with him. Because, seriously, a fly-on-the-wall record of Spencer Pratt ballsing up operation after operation, allowing cyberterrorists to strip the US financial system dry in a different way each week, and then doing a little rap about it at the end as his furious colleagues beat him to a pulp? Who wouldn’t want to watch that?

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Heidi Montag has an addiction. However, you’ll be surprised to discover that it isn’t the addiction you expected.

Heidi isn’t addicted to fame. Heidi isn’t addicted to working in areas that she very obviously isn’t cut out for. Heidi isn’t even addicted to men who grow beards that make them look like Ebola sufferers. No, Heidi Montag is addicted to plastic surgery. And all the other things we just mentioned. But plastic surgery’s the one we’ll be looking at today.

According to reports, Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery addiction is so out of control that she recently underwent ten procedures in a single day. And they worked, too. Now people no longer refer to Heidi as ‘that idiot out of The Hills‘ – they call her ‘that idiot who looks like a distressed shop mannequin as designed by a horny 14-year-old boy with a severe nervous tic’. It’s an improvement.

Quickly – how would you improve Heidi Montag? By throwing her husband into the boot of your car, driving out into the desert and leaving him there? By strapping her down and forcing her to endure a nightmarish Clockwork Orange-style visual brainwashing in front of a giant screen that simply reads ‘Don’t be such an arsehole’? By making it illegal for her to release pop songs? By submitting her to a powerful electric shock every time she uses the word ‘me’?

All good ideas, obviously, but the answer we were looking for was ‘a nose job revision, a mini brow lift, bigger breast implants and buttock augmentation’. Because that’s how Heidi Montag thinks that she can improve herself. Because, you see, Heidi Montag is addicted to plastic surgery. And she said as much on the front cover of this week’s People magazine. CNN reports:

The reality star is the subject of a People cover story about her new plastic surgery “obsession.” Montag revealed to the magazine that she recently underwent 10 hours of cosmetic surgery, including a nose job revision, a mini brow lift, bigger breast implants and buttock augmentation. “For the past three years I’ve thought about what to have done,” Montag said. “I am absolutely beyond obsessed.”

Clearly it’s important to remember that Heidi Montag said this from the front cover of People magazine, and you sort of get the feeling that she’d be just as eager to proclaim an addiction to heroin or bestiality if it meant getting on the cover of People, but the obsession does seem legitimate. In addition to the brow-life and breast implants, it’s thought that Heidi also went through other procedures, including ankle lengthening, pube crimping, giblet realignment, hoof implants and something called ‘glitter-spine’.

Hopefully all this surgery has made Heidi Montag happier, but we can’t help feeling that she’s missed a trick here. After all, it doesn’t make sense that someone as fame-hungry as her would have all this work done to her privately. It should have been turned into a documentary. Or, better yet, a reality show called Improve Heidi Montag where viewers got to text in the plastic surgery operations that they wanted to see Heidi undertake.

True, the level of antipathy towards Heidi Montag is so great that she’d inevitably come out of it with rhino horns, 52 buttocks, a blow-hole and a full-size 18th century maritime sail where her neck used to be, but at least she’d be on TV. That seems like it’d be the most important thing for her.

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We should be thanking Stephanie Pratt. In these troubled times, it’s always nice to have a bit of consistency.

And that’s what she’s provided. Forget about financial ruin or war or ecological destruction – so long as, somewhere in the world, someone from The Hills is acting like an overprivileged nob, then we know that everything is exactly as it should be. And if that means that Stephanie Pratt has to get arrested on suspicion of DUI, then that’s what has to happen.

Honestly, Stephanie Pratt deserves a medal. Or a jail sentence. Probably just the jail sentence, actually. Medals are quite expensive.

We want you to reflect for a moment on what it must mean to be Stephanie Pratt. It can’t be especially nice, can it? You brother is Spencer Pratt, one of the most celebrated arseholes of our time. Everywhere you go, you’re constantly being compared to Spencer Pratt – people say that you aren’t as overwhelmingly obnoxious as him, or that you’re not as much of a doltist fantasist, or that your wife isn’t as universally offensive, or that you’re less able to grow a beard that makes your face look as if it’s slowly being consumed by the Ebola virus.

It must be tough. So if you were Stephanie Pratt, then the time would have to come where you’d need to make a stand and say “Hey! I AM as much of a slavering turd as my brother! I DO have the same repulsive sense of entitlement despite my obvious lack of marketable skills!” And, early on Sunday morning, that’s apparently what Stephanie Pratt did.

She didn’t literally say those words, you understand – she was possibly quite drunk and it’s difficult to talk and drive a car at the same time when you’ve had a few drinks – but she ended up getting arrested on suspicion of DUI anyway. MTV reports:

Police said Pratt, 23, was arrested at around 3:45 a.m. outside a nightclub in Los Angeles and taken into custody, with bail set at $5,000, according to Sergeant Mark Cohan of the Los Angeles Police Department. Before her arrest, Pratt was reportedly out with some fellow “Hills” stars at Empire, celebrating Holly Montag’s 26th birthday.

This isn’t Stephanie Pratt’s first brush with the law – in 2006 she was arrested in Hawaii for second-degree theft and drug violations. This could obviously pose a problem for her if this arrest overlaps with her probation for that arrest, but that’s something to deal with in the future.

It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Stephanie Pratt was given a short jail sentence for this arrest, though – especially if The Hills gained permission to keep filming her in jail. Because, if nothing else, a version of The Hills where the characters are miserable, frightened and anally violated against their will on a regular basis would be a nice way to reflect what it feels like to actually watch The Hills these days.

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The first rule of writing is ‘write what you know’, but try telling that to Lauren Conrad from The Hills.

How could Lauren Conrad write what she knows? She doesn’t know anything. Tell Lauren Conrad to write what she knows and she’ll end up handing you a Post-It note with ‘My doggy looks cute in a hat’ written in Crayola on one side and a drawing of what appears to be a thalidomide monkey with a plantpot on its head on the other.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Lauren Conrad has written a book, and now she’s going to turn it into a film. Possibly.

Lauren Conrad is probably most famous for being the least-awful star of The Hills, although that’s not really saying much – if MTV signed the Unabomber up for a multi-episode arc on The Hills, there’s a fairly strong chance that he’d come across as endearing and convivial next to the likes of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag.

And it’s because of this that Lauren Conrad has spent the last year desperately attempting to branch out. She won’t be appearing in any more episodes of The Hills, because she’s decided to become a writer.

Last year it was announced that Lauren Conrad was going to pen a fiction series called LA Candy for HarperCollins, detailing the rise of a completely fictional young girl – let’s call her Flauren Bomrad for the sake of argument – from a nobody to a gigantic celebrity thanks to her part in the (fictional) hit show The Hilly Part Of Los Angeles. Or something. It was an imaginative work of fiction, anyway.

And now Lauren Conrad is turning LA Candy into a movie. Or, to be more accurate, she wants to turn LA Candy into a movie. Or, to be more accurate, she’s thinking about possibly wanting to turn LA Candy into something that some people might vaguely consider to faintly resemble a film. Sort of. MTV reports:

Conrad recently revealed to the Daily News that she is interested in adapting her novel to the big screen. “We’re hoping for a movie deal,” Conrad said. “I’m working on [adapting the book for the movies] right now, but I don’t want to commit to anything until I see all my options. We have had a lot of exciting news in that respect, though.”

Quite right. It’s very astute of Lauren Conrad to want to hold fire until all the options are presented to her. For instance, if she rushes in and agrees to turn LA Candy into a TV show that will only be broadcast on a single barely-watched Bolivian cable channel, she might miss the opportunity to make it into a direct-to-DVD low-budget movie shot entirely in someone’s basement on a VHS camcorder starring Lou Diamond Phillips as all the characters. She’s a clever businesswoman, that Lauren Conrad.

Oh, we’re just kidding. We’re big fans of Lauren Conrad, so we’ll definitely watch the LA Candy movie. If it’s shown on a long-haul flight that we happen to be on. And it’s the only entertainment choice. And we’ve forgotten to pack a book. And it’s too turbulent to sleep. And, for whatever reason, we’re unable to drink ourselves unconscious. And someone is literally holding a gun to our head.

In that situation, yes, we’ll almost definitely consider watching some of it.

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Audrina Partridge loves animals – her surname is a type of animal, plus she stars in The Hills and some animals live on hills.

But Audrina Partidge does love animals. And, as a reality television star, Audrina Partridge is also the sort of person who’d probably massacre her family if it meant she’d get a headline from it. So combine the love of animals and the compulsive attention-seeking and what do you get? That’s right – a new PETA campaign where Audrina Partridge gets to strip.

Not strip naked, mind you. In that respect, Audrina Partridge thinks that animals can piss off.

Think PETA and what comes to mind? No, not the sight of Mickey Rourke ordering you to tear the gonads off your household pets with your bare fists, because that’s weird. No, what comes to mind is the slogan ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’.

It’s been a fairly successful slogan – as well as allowing us to see what several on-the-wane female celebrities look like nude, it’s also the only way you can see Kardashian flesh without possessing a subscription to an adult website or an incredibly unresponsive gag reflex. But it’s time that the slogan got retired. Because ‘I’d rather go naked than wear fur’ is good, but ‘I’d rather wear my pants and a bra and an impractically large set of feathered wings than do something nonspecific about petshops or something’ is great.

And that’s why Audrina Partridge from The Hills can now be seen on a PETA poster holding a dog while dressed like the sort of slutty angel who’d probably suck you off if you told her that you preferred her to Heidi Montag. We’ll let MTV explain the technicalities:

The Peta ad is urging people to adopt animals rather than buy them. Audrina said: “I wanted to get involved with PETA because I’ve always been passionate about animals, and I think this is a great way to make people and all my fans aware of all the animals that need a home.” She added: “you should adopt, so go to an animal shelter and rescue a dog.”

It does sort of make sense, we’ll admit. But ultimately the PETA campaign is flawed, and here’s why – although being told to rescue rather than buy a dog is good advice, being told to rescue rather than buy a dog by one of the stars of The Hills is terrible advice. Everyone knows that the best way to get through life is by doing the exact opposite to what anyone from The Hills does. So, with that in mind, we’ve just bought 15 dogs from an online petshop. Don’t worry, we gave them a false address. We hate animals.

What’s the moral of all this? God knows, but we suspect it’s something like ‘Audrina Partridge won’t get naked for the sake of animal cruelty, but she will get naked for a handful of grubby coins and an insincere promise of fame from a sleazy photographer’. Or whatever.

Incidentally, anyone worried that all the feathers on Audrina Partridge’s massive set of angel wings sits awkwardly with PETA’s pro-animal agenda should relax. Apparently all the birds that were killed and plucked for the poster had been caught eating meat by PETA activists, and therefore had to die. Probably.

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These are tough times for Rihanna – now that she’s dumped Chris Brown, there’s nobody left to punch her in the face.

But help may be at hand. Apparently Rihanna has been linked to Frankie Delgado from The Hills. It’s weird – Frankie doesn’t have a violent temper, a girl’s voice or ridiculous dentistry, so he’s definitely not Rihanna’s type.

Not that it matters, anyway, because Frankie Delgado has denied any romantic involvement with Rihanna. She’s probably holding out for Spencer Pratt – after all, going out with turds seems to be her thing, so she may as well shoot for the moon.

Things have gone a little quiet on the whole Rihanna/ Chris Brown front lately, haven’t they? It’s almost as if a one-time bout of fisticuffs between two people we honestly don’t care about can’t sustain two full months of daily news. Rubbish.

Rihanna certainly seems to be doing a pretty good job of moving on from it all; now that she’s reportedly split up with Chris Brown – for some reason – it’s time for her to broaden her romantic horizons. And since the only things she presumably wants in a man is someone who a) doesn’t have a face like a rodent with a motor skills deficiency trying to chew a toffee and b) doesn’t keep trying to choke her unconscious all the bloody time, Rihanna pretty much has the run of most men on the planet.

And the man that Rihanna has come closest to settling on at the moment is Frankie Delgado from The Hills. Frankie Delgado is probably most famous for being the most pointless member of The Hills cast, which is pretty sterling work considering that the show is also the home of Heidi Montag, Brody Jenner and someone called Brent Bolthouse who, despite his name, isn’t even a gay porn star.

Or at least that’s what Frankie Delgado was most famous for. Now he’s most famous for either being the man who’s offered Rihanna a potentially romantic shoulder to cry on or the man who’ll one day wake up to find Chris Brown angrily grawing through one of his shins as a violent act of toothy retribution. It doesn’t matter which one.

Not that Frankie Delgado is having any of this Rihanna nonsense anyway, as MTV reports:

At the grand opening of Wet Republic, the pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Delgado reportedly told the site that the two are “just friends.” Delgado said he thinks the chatter got started because “she’s been out, hanging out, I guess. It’s Hollywood, people talk a lot.” Asked how Rihanna is doing, Delgado said only, “She’s good.”

Although it’d be nice to say that Rihanna had managed to get on with her life in the wake of what must have been one of the most painful and humiliating moments in her life, it looks like ‘just friends’ is as close as she’s going to get to Frankie Delgado.

Probably a good thing too, because Rihanna would probably only end up giving him an STD and infuriating him with his funny voice or something until he started sleeping around and beating her up in a manner that she’d completely deserve. See, the internet? We do listen to you after all.

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Grief? An uneasy feeling that undesirables have been in your home? You’ve been watching The Hills, haven’t you.

Or you’ve been burgled. Basically the effects of either are identical. Just ask Audrina Partridge – she’s in The Hills and now she’s been burgled as well. Plus she has to talk to Spencer Pratt sometimes. Talk about unlucky.

But more fool the burglars, because Audrina Partridge managed to catch them on camera. This basically means that they’ll probably end up with their own MTV reality show. At least they’ve got a talent, which admittedly puts them a nose in front of Audrina.

The Oscars are supposed to be a time of happiness, socio-political grandstanding and photo-realistic fashion imagery. But try telling that to Audrina Partridge from The Hills, who returned from an Oscar party to realise that her house had been burgled.

Wait. Hang on a minute. Audrina Partridge from The Hills was at an Oscar party? That doesn’t make sense. Hopefully it was one of those Oscar parties where everyone sits around eating pizza on the floor of someone’s living room watching TV, and not one of the big, proper Oscar parties that actual celebrities go to. Because that would be ridiculous. New rule: nobody from The Hills should ever attend an Oscar party until the Academy introduces a new Best Mind-Numbingly Repetitive Reality TV Show Starring Nothing But A Pack Of Braying Titholes category.

Anyway, Audrina Partridge did attend an Oscar party and – as if she wasn’t upset enough after being pipped to the post by Heath Ledger in the Best Supporting Actor category – she returned home to discover that she’d been burgled. It’s not known what was taken in the robbery, although we suspect the theives stole some items that can never be replaced, like sentimental heirlooms, those naked pictures of her and the single original thought that has ever passed through Audrina Partridge’s otherwise completely barren mind.

Anyway, Audrina Partridge isn’t just going to give in to the burglars without a fight – her surveillance cameras picked up images of the crooks and she’s blogging her little socks off about it, too:

My house was broken into over the weekend but luckily my surveillance camera caught the burglary on tape. I spent most of the morning filling out police reports and going through the house room by room making lists of everything that had been taken. Most of the items are replaceable, but they took off with a few very sentimental things too. Definitely not a good way to start the week.

To be fair to the police, we heard that there weren’t that many reports to fill in – it’s just that one of them asked for Audrina Partridge’s occupation and she spent three hours nervously trying to work out what she actually does for a living. If you have any information of the whereabouts of Audrina Partridge’s profession, please contact the LAPD. Your call could be important.

Oh, we’re only joking. Being burgled is a horrible thing to go through, and we wish Audrina Partridge all the best. Even if we are utterly convinced that these ‘surveillance cameras’ weren’t installed to catch burglars but so that Audrina Partridge can watch her entire day back before bedtime in a desperate attempt to convince herself that she’s more popular than Heidi Montag.

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Remember when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills got married and everyone wondered if it was the biggest non-event in all of history?

Guess what – it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe – next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

Of all the things that happened in 2008 – like the US presidential election, the credit crunch, the Virginia Tech shooting, the death of Heath Ledger – nothing was bigger than the marriage between The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. We’re being serious.

Heidi and Spencer’s marriage had everything – two utterly repulsive braying bellends adrift on an ocean of their own epic self-absorption who have never spent more than five seconds in the company of anyone else without becoming the subjects of a violently imagined stab-fantasy, and… um, no, actually in retrospect that’s all it had.

But never mind. It was sort of entertaining – thanks to everyone’s initial repulsion, the backdraft of even smaller celebrities trying to make their name by commenting on it and the world’s bitterest mother-in-law, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s wedding wasn’t a complete waste of time.

True, the marriage wasn’t valid because it was conducted in Mexico with an hour’s notice and everything,, but that didn’t matter – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to formalise their wedding on return to America, thereby reducing the world’s total of single cockstumps by a grand total of two. And once they were married, maybe Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could create a baby so awful that it would absorb all of the world’s evil and then destroy itself, ushering in the Age of Aquarius for all mankind.

Except, no. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t properly married and, what do you know, in the final episode of The Hills it turned out that they’re probably never going to be either. But, hey, at least they didn’t wait until the last possible second to decide, like in the middle of swapping their vows during the ceremony, did they? Oh, who are we kidding. People reports:

When it was Spencer’s turn to promise til death, he hesitated and said, “I want to marry you right now. If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in a courthouse and your mom is crying and not talking to you, we don’t have to do this.” Heidi started crying. Spencer relented “We can’t do this. I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams and I will deal with it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it the way you want.” They exited the courtroom.

Ugh. You know what this means? It means that, by the next season of The Hills we’ll have to put up with even more endless wedding preparation followed by a big fairytale ceremony that, we’re guessing, will also be cancelled at the last minute when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt look into each others’ eyes and realise there’s nothing but a throbbing empty vortex there. And that’ll be followed by another cancelled wedding. And another one. And another one. Until everyone dies of boredom.

But, look, it’s Christmas – let’s look on the bright side. By not getting married to Heidi Montag, this means that Spencer Pratt is technically still single. Form a queue, ladies! Ladies? Where has everyone gone?

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Now that the US election is over, it’s not uncommon to find any number of pointlessly minor celebrities drifting around without purpose.

Because, now that Barack Obama is president, celebrities have got nothing left to blab their relentlessly ill-considered and completely unwanted opinions about, and that makes them sad. So thank heavens for the brand-new hot-button topic that has allowed any celebrity – no matter how utterly insignificant they be – to spout on about it like they’re bloody experts. We’re talking about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

Now, just because you couldn’t give a monkey’s bum that Heidi Montag got married to Spencer Pratt, that’s not going to stop luminaries like Perez Hilton, two people off The Hills and that woman who used to be married to the man who was in that plane crash that one time from gibbering on like self-regarding nobsacks about it. Guess what’s after the jump. No, really. Guess.

The marriage between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills – as well as being as doomily apocalyptic-seeming as the union between the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster in Ghostbusters – has really polarised the public opinion. People seem to either not care about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding or really not care about it. And that’s absolutely the correct human reaction.

But as we all know, celebrities aren’t human. Celebrities are little golden gifts from God, placed on this Earth purely to lift our weary spirits and make life worth living. All of them. Even the really shit ones like Perez Hilton, two people who we’re told star in The Hills and the ex-wife of the man who used to be the drummer in Blink 182.

And because none of the people we just mentioned are even remotely human, they’ve all got opinions of the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding. And they really, really want you to hear them. Let’s start with Perez Hilton, because then at least it’s over with.

Perez Hilton has called Spencer Pratt an ‘evil genius’ for orchestrating the entire wedding with Heidi Montag for the sake of publicity, making the shock announcement that people who pose for magazine covershoots sometimes get paid for it. Perez then made a few other points in his videoblog entry, but it was four minutes long so we didn’t listen to it because we thought our brain might dissolve if we did.

Next up: two of Heidi and Spencer’s co-stars on The Hills – Naked Girl and Girl We’ve Never Heard Of. Naked Girl told People:

“I am surprised and not surprised at the same time. I do think it’s very romantic that they eloped.”

While Girl We’ve Never Heard Of, or Whitney Port as she’s sometimes incorrectly called, told Extra:

“I just heard it like everyone else yesterday. Congratulations to them. I think it’s great if that’s what they’re ready to do. Good for them.”

So that’s two of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s co-stars and a man who’s somewhat professionally obligated to screech about rubbish like this dealt with. What about someone doesn’t seem to be connected to either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt in any way whatsoever? You! Yes, you! Shanna Moakler, ex-wife of ex-Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker! What do you have to say about all of this?

“No matter what happens, cameras rolling or not, never stop communicating and don’t allow third parties into your marriage.”

So now we know. Join us tomorrow for Kerry Katona‘s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then next week when Geoffrey from Rainbow reacts to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and then the week after that when someone who was on The Bill in 1993 reacts to Geoffrey from Rainbow‘s reaction to Kerry Katona’s reaction to Shanna Moakler’s reaction to the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding.

And then the week after that, when we kill ourselves.

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In the old days, MTV used to show music videos that artists made to promote their new single.

But now in our modern society, MTV has changed and only offers programming that really has nothing to do with music. Well, Tim Westwood does play records we guess.

One of the most popular shows is The Hills. A reality show where we get to compare our own grim lives to those of some trendy twentysomething spoilt tits. Known for being a bit dim, Spencer from the show has decided to open his gob and speak about Proposition 8, the big hot topic in California at the moment. Remember, we did say he’s known for being a bit dim.

Without going into the subject too much, the passing of Proposition 8 has stopped gay and lesbians from marrying each other. While America voted in Barack Obama last week, this was also being contested in the Californian state. It’s also something that every celebrity seems to have a view on. Some are for it, and some are against it and want gay and lesbians burnt at the stake like it’s the Middle Ages.

Just like on X Factor the other week, it appears that not enough people bothered to vote for what they wanted, and their chance stop the ban on same-sex couples marriage rights was scuppered. Unlike X Factor, thousands of people joined in protest to try and overturn the ruling, but it’s looking increasingly likely that their efforts are going to be wasted. However, Barack Obama seems to be everyone’s friend so he’ll make it up to everyone by simply waving his magic presidential puppy around to make everyone happy and jolly so they can skip off in to the distance holding hands.

But until then we have to put up with Spencer Pratt from The Hills and his wonderful opinions on the matter.

While filming a typically wooden scripted scene for The Hills, Spencer decided to let the world know what we thought about Proposition 8. He doesn’t seem to have any burning hatred for gays and lesbians but what he said doesn’t really sound right:

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like don’t.”

At least we now know why Heidi looks so, er, glamorous. The key to eternal beauty is to get your slap put on by a gay man or lesbian lady! Genius. Now to open a salon employing only homosexual people. We’ll have queues round the corner so people can get pampered to the max.

Despite California banning gay marriage, we can offer one solution to help solve the problem. They can simply skip over the state border and do it somewhere else, print off a marriage certificate off the internet or come over to good old Blighty.

The UK is a hip and trendy place and will let you marry anyone at all. Be it a man, woman, brick wall or a tree. Everyone spreads their love everyday in the form of a daily cuddle.

Generally speaking, the cast of The Hills are such a bundle of obnoxiously overprivileged mimsies that they seem incapable of wiping their own bottoms by themselves.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Lauren Conrad. True, she might spend her entire life trapped in an oblivious richie rich bubble – a bubble that most sane people would like to take a flaming cricket bat to – but you can’t say that Lauren Conrad doesn’t possess basic English skills.

That’s because Lauren Conrad has just signed up to write three young adult fiction books that she totally would have been asked to write anyway even if she wasn’t on TV all the poxy time. We don’t know about you, but we think that these Lauren Conrad books are going to be the best young adult fiction books written by a woman we’ve never heard of from a TV show that we actively dislike ever. Yay for books!

Appearing on The Hills can be an amazing career platform that allows you to do anything you want. Audrina Patridge, for example, managed to become a nudey model after being on The Hills, while Spencer Pratt was able to realise his dreams of becoming a professional bell-end.

And then there’s Lauren Conrad. Although originally the reason why people watched The Hills, recently Lauren Conrad has been losing ground to Heidi Montag – a woman so astoundingly obnoxious that the reason she’s even allowed to be on TV is so that frustrated male viewers can have a conduit to safely live out their most disturbing domestic violence fantasies without hurting anyone they love.

And that’s why Lauren Conrad is branching out into the world of publishing. According to reports, Lauren Conrad has signed a three-book deal with HarperCollins.

There’s nothing wrong with that at all – Lauren seems like an imaginative enough girl, and we’re sure that whatever she comes up with won’t just be a lazy semi-autobiographical dirge that most people could normally wank out in 45 minutes. The New York Daily News reports:

Conrad’s young adult fiction series, titled “LA Candy,” is loosely based on the 22-year-old’s transition from regular gal to recognizable face. “I’ve always loved books that I could lose myself in, ones that would transport me to another place.”

OK, two things. Firstly Lauren, they’re not books you’re describing, they’re cruise ships. Secondly, these books sound like the worst idea ever. Even worse than Kylie’s semi-autobiographical dirge. Even worse than Geri Halliwell’s semi-autobiographical dirge, perhaps, and that’s not something we say lightly.

Because, really, who’s going to read your books, Lauren Conrad? Intelligent people won’t read them because by definition none of them watch The Hills, and people who watch The Hills won’t because none of them can read.

A book’s hardly going to appeal to them, is it? Come back when you’ve brought out something that can hold their attention better, like a DVD of you dancing around with a bit of shiny paper and going “ooh ooh ooh” or something.

If you’re US presidential candidate John McCain, you probably spend a lot of time strategising your next campaign move. 

You’re also likely to spend even more time strategising your next move in general like, you know, getting up out of a chair and such. The remainder of your time is probably spent watching MTV and keeping up with the latest juice on trashy reality shows like The Hills.  Well, at least that’s what John McCain says he does, sort of. He may just have said something to that effect because one of the characters on The Hills announced her support for John McCain.

And he likes it. He like it good. 

Know what’s great about MTV? Everyone can sit down together and enjoy. The teenagers eager to learn how to be trashy and shallow, the boozy college kids who’ve already mastered being trashy and shallow and wasting their parent’s money on parties and Abercrombie polo shirts, and the geriatric presidential candidates like John McCain. 

You see, Heidi Montag from MTV’s The Hills publicly endorsed John McCain in the US presidential election thingy going on. You have no idea who she is, do you. That's so pathetic. You don't know who she is, but John McCain does. He's cooler than you. John McCain is actually cooler than you. You know, she’s the really shallow, back-stabbing one that got loads of plastic surgery and has the creepy boyfriend. Actually, that really doesn’t help narrow it down, now does it? She’s also whoring her 15 minutes out by releasing singles and music videos. They’re crap, of course. Anyway, she’s supporting John McCain. Woo.  

But look, look everyone! Look how cool and down to earth and in touch with the young folks John McCain is! He, like, is way grateful for her support, and stuff: 

"I am honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started." 

As far as celebrity endorsements go, they’re usually seen as a bit of a blood-letting gash in the side of a candidate’s campaign race. But for John McCain, who has already sealed the Republican candidacy as well as backing from the current president, there’s really no further harm that can be done by somewhat creepily acknowledging a nod from random reality show person.

And it is creepy. It really is. Even if John McCain does watch The Hills (which we all know he doesn't) there is only one reason a man in his seventies would watch a show about beautiful, rich, monumentally stupid twenty-somethings.

It's that Brody Jenner. It's okay, Johnny-boy. We can't get enough of him, either.

Read more:

SWAMPLAND EXCLUSIVE!! McCain Reacts to Heidi Montag Endorsement! - TIME