The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.
Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.
It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.
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Heidi Montag is furious. Admittedly you can’t see that, because surgery has rendered her face immobile.
But she is. She’s absolutely livid. And it’s all thanks to her no-good mother. Heidi Montag yesterday called the police because her mother Darlene Egelhoff committed the most heinous sin that a parent can ever commit. That’s right – she went to visit Heidi Montag unannounced, the gigantic bitch. For those unaccustomed to the nuances of the legal system, a mother visiting a daughter unannounced is a crime punishable by… oh, nothing. Turns out it’s not actually a crime.
To be fair to Darlene Egelhoff, she’s got a cracker of a defence case if this ever goes to court. After all, Heidi Montag doesn’t really look anything like Heidi Montag any more, so it’d be quite easy for Darlene to say that she thought she was simply visiting her local cut-price latex sex doll or something.
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Bad news, anyone who’s ever wanted to sleep with either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt – you have a malfunctioning brain.
Oh wait. No, what we meant to say was that – despite rumours to the contrary – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still an item. There were whispers that Heidi had moved out of the marital home on Monday, almost immediately after The Hills finished production, but that apparently couldn’t be further from the truth.
To prove how much they love each other, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have verbally reaffirmed their love for one another. They would have done it through photography, but Heidi’s surgery has made that impossible – it doesn’t matter what emotion she aims for, it always ends up looking like she’s straining for a poo.
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Remember that episode of 24 where Jack Bauer grew a manky beard and married a woman who looked like a ropey sex doll?
You don’t? That’s because it never happened. But it doesn’t matter, because we’ve got the best thing. Heidi Montag‘s husband Spencer Pratt has decided to leave The Hills to concentrate on – and this is completely true – joining American Defence Enterprise’s cyber security division in an effort to prevent the hostile use of technology from endangering America’s military and financial muscle.
Truly, Spencer Pratt is just like Jack Bauer. Or, hopefully that CTU agent who looked a bit like Jack Bauer and went blind when that bomb blew up in his face on the beach a couple of years ago. Or that one who got his arm cut off. Either one of those two would be fine, really.
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Heidi Montag has an addiction. However, you’ll be surprised to discover that it isn’t the addiction you expected.
Heidi isn’t addicted to fame. Heidi isn’t addicted to working in areas that she very obviously isn’t cut out for. Heidi isn’t even addicted to men who grow beards that make them look like Ebola sufferers. No, Heidi Montag is addicted to plastic surgery. And all the other things we just mentioned. But plastic surgery’s the one we’ll be looking at today.
According to reports, Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery addiction is so out of control that she recently underwent ten procedures in a single day. And they worked, too. Now people no longer refer to Heidi as ‘that idiot out of The Hills‘ – they call her ‘that idiot who looks like a distressed shop mannequin as designed by a horny 14-year-old boy with a severe nervous tic’. It’s an improvement.
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We should be thanking Stephanie Pratt. In these troubled times, it’s always nice to have a bit of consistency.
And that’s what she’s provided. Forget about financial ruin or war or ecological destruction – so long as, somewhere in the world, someone from The Hills is acting like an overprivileged nob, then we know that everything is exactly as it should be. And if that means that Stephanie Pratt has to get arrested on suspicion of DUI, then that’s what has to happen.
Honestly, Stephanie Pratt deserves a medal. Or a jail sentence. Probably just the jail sentence, actually. Medals are quite expensive.
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The first rule of writing is ‘write what you know’, but try telling that to Lauren Conrad from The Hills.
How could Lauren Conrad write what she knows? She doesn’t know anything. Tell Lauren Conrad to write what she knows and she’ll end up handing you a Post-It note with ‘My doggy looks cute in a hat’ written in Crayola on one side and a drawing of what appears to be a thalidomide monkey with a plantpot on its head on the other.
Oh, we’re just jealous. Lauren Conrad has written a book, and now she’s going to turn it into a film. Possibly.
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Audrina Partridge loves animals – her surname is a type of animal, plus she stars in The Hills and some animals live on hills.
But Audrina Partidge does love animals. And, as a reality television star, Audrina Partridge is also the sort of person who’d probably massacre her family if it meant she’d get a headline from it. So combine the love of animals and the compulsive attention-seeking and what do you get? That’s right – a new PETA campaign where Audrina Partridge gets to strip.
Not strip naked, mind you. In that respect, Audrina Partridge thinks that animals can piss off.
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