Hands up who thinks Elisabeth Hasselbeck is full of crap. Well, she is. No, literally, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is full of crap.

She’s got celiac disease, which essentially means that if she eats any gluten she’ll end up uncontrollably pooing all over the place like some sort of awful dirty bomb. We know this because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has written a celiac disease cookbook – a cookbook that another writer claims she copied from her, and she’s suing Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Which is plainly ridiculous. Of course Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t plagiarise anyone else’s work – we’re not even convinced that the woman can even read.

Even God, in all his infinite wisdom, sometimes makes mistakes. Look at Elisabeth Hasselbeck, for example – God happened to make her very pretty. This must have been a mistake, because he seems to have gone out of his way to compensate for it ever since. First he gave her a voice like rape alarm going off in a tumble-dryer, but people still found her attractive. So then he filled her head with a lot of dumbly patriotic nonsense about how brilliant war is. In a final act of desperation he even made her support Sarah Palin, but that didn’t work either.

So he gave her the shits. Mission accomplished, God. Mission accomplished.

Of course, Elisabeth Hasselbeck knows that God didn’t give her celiac disease. The dirty foreigners did, ten years ago during a trip abroad. But that’s by the by. Because Elisabeth Hasselbeck has suffered with celiac disease for a decade, and that’s not a particularly nice thing to happen to anybody.

On the plus side, though, Elisabeth Hasselbeck has been able to pile an entire decade’s worth of experience into her new book The G-Free Diet: A Gluten-Free Survival Guide, which details her struggle to come to terms with the illness and offers dietary advice to other sufferers. Which sounds a little too similar to a book entitled Living with Celiac Disease for Susan Hassett‘s liking, because Susan Hassett wrote Living With Celiac Disease, sent Elisabeth Hasselbeck a copy of the book last year and is now suing Elisabeth Hasselbeck for plagiarism. The New York Daily News reports:

Hassett says that she sent the talk show host a copy of her self-published book as well as a homemade cooking video, newspaper article, business card and personal note. [Publisher] Center Street issued a statement: “There is no basis for the allegations in the Complaint… Ms. Hasselbeck worked diligently and tirelessly on her book and is disappointed in this attempt to discredit her work and her ability to bring this important message to the public.”

So is Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s The G-Free Diet: A Gluten-Free Survival Guide illegally similar to Susan Hassett’s Living With Celiac Disease? That’s absolutely not for us to say. But we would like to point out that the cover of The G-Free Diet: A Gluten-Free Survival Guide shows Elisabeth Hasselbeck standing next to a pile of bread with a face that’s all like “Nuh-UH you yeasty skank!” whereas the cover of Living With Celiac Disease has some rubbish clipart of a stick figure pointing at a star.

What’s our point? Christ knows. Please don’t make us side with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, though. The thought of it freaks us out.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!