OK, OK, yeahyeahyeah, it’s only going to happen in a movie, but sometimes life imitates art, right? Right? Right. We can but hope. Our fingers remain firmly crossed.

Borrell is to star in the new film by Antonia Bird and Irvine Welsh, named The Meat Trade, and will be killed by two grave robbers, played by Robert Carlyle and Colin Firth. Jonathan Edward told the Daily Star:

"It's going to be so much fun. I love horror and I'm a really big fan of Irvine Welsh's work. I loved Trainspotting."

Oh, it’s horror! There should be lots of blood then. Let’s hope Antonia and Irvine get twat number one, Bono, involved. And Keane. And The Feeling. Oh, please The Feeling. And why not stab Luke Pritchard of The Kooks in the mouth with a rusty screwdriver while you’re at it? Why not?

The film is about two body snatchers snatching bodies in Edinburgh and should be released sometime next year. Hecklerspray waits with baited breath. But how will Borrell die, Irvine?

Hecklerspray likes to think Carlyle and Firth will recruit sometime actor Bob Dylan to do this excellent deed. On the release of his band’s debut, Up All Night, Borrell spouted some awful shit out of his mouth-arsehole which decided it was better than Dylan’s first album proper. Get your own back, Bob. But do it for real like Brandon Lee. Come on. Be a sport.

Or, if Bob can’t be reached for some reason, why not contact Morrissey? Borrell did “feel sorry” for Moz when he somehow didn’t manage to draw as big a crowd at V Festival a few years back. People really are stupid.

You are now officially 87% stupider if you voluntarily listen to Johnny Borrell’s arsehole gibberings with feelings of enjoyment. Really. They’ve done tests and everything. We don’t know who “they” are but we’re sure these tests have been done. Kind of.

Too harsh? Not harsh enough we say.

Release Mark Chapman already.

Read more:

Johnny Borrell To Be Murdered In New Movie – AngryApe 

And why we shall never know. But, we do know that we can never forgive you. We will never look at you in the same way. For you are to direct the musical poo poo that is The Feeling in their next video. Say it ain’t so, Keef. Say it ain’t so. This is disgusting. We want to puke up our innards and then eat them just so we can puke them up again.

“Frontman Dan Gillespie-Sells revealed to The Sun that the 24 star is a fan of theirs, and gets where the band "are coming from". He added: "We make time for each other and whenever he comes to London we meet for a drink."

He gets where they’re coming from? What? London? Even if he told us to come and fill his little world right up with nonsense it couldn’t be possible to make more non-sense.

This really is frightening. Kiefer has joined the dark side, people. He is Darth Vader and The Feeling are the stormtroopers. Perhaps his father, Donald Sutherland, ironically the Luke Skywalker of this analogy, will come to our aid. He’s obviously been at the drugs again, D. Please sort him out. Bring him back to rational thought like some sort of fucked-up scene from Flatliners. Give him a nice hard slap and put Blonde on Blonde back on his iPod, for fuck’s sake.

Seriously, kids, adults tell you to stay away from drugs for a good fucking reason. You might end up agreeing to direct a no talent, annoying as fuck, idiot, no purpose for existing, twatty, moribund band like The Feeling. Please take heed. Please listen to FRANK.

We at hecklerspray have never prayed to Jesus before. But tonight we shall. Tonight we shall.

Read more:

Kiefer Sutherland To Direct Feeling Video? – Clickmusic