So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?

Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.

OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.

For the briefest of moments this week, The Early Show looked like a hero. Thanks to Adam Lambert’s decision to use the American Music Awards as an excuse to kiss one man and try to take out someone’s eye with his groin, it looked as if he’d ruined his chances of ever appearing on television again. Good Morning America cancelled a scheduled Adam Lambert performance, on the off-chance that he’d turn up in ball gag and wipe sperm everywhere, and that threatened to be the case everywhere else, too.

But then The Early Show stepped in. It offered Adam Lambert a spot where nobody else would – a spot where Adam could be as creative and flamboyant and every other euphemism for homosexual as he liked. So long as he didn’t kiss any men, though. Because that’s a bit gross.

You see, while discussing the Adam Lambert controversy, The Early Show played a clip of his American Music Awards kiss. The thing is, the kiss itself was deliberately blurred out. To make matters worse, The Early Show then played a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears in 2003 and left it completely unblurred, allowing everyone at home to see Madonna’s aged old tongue flopping about inside Britney’s mouth like a bird trying to feed a partially-digested earthworm to its baby.

And guess what? Now The Early Show is the bad guy, too. But it’s not going down without a fight, as EW reports:

An Early Show rep sent EW this statement: “We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”

You know what? It’s Kris Allen who we feel most sorry for here. After all, he beat Adam Lambert to the American Idol title, so it should be him getting all this publicity. It’s not too late for him, though – he’s lined up to appear at the People’s Choice Awards in January, so maybe he can claw some limelight back by wanking off a horse or something.

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Now that Jessica Simpson is clinically obese, she’s going to see a whole lot of benefits – it’ll round out that troublesome jaw, for starters.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Jessica Simpson isn’t clinically obese – she just wore a bad pair of trousers once and hasn’t stopped acting offended because some people said it made her bum look big. Now Jessica Simpson has described the furore, saying that she’s OK because she “prays out loud”.

Incidentally, Pray Out Loud is the name of Jessica Simpson’s new single. Lucky it wasn’t called Cry And Eat Crisps A Lot, eh? That would have been really embarrassing.

Suddenly ballooning up like a redneck Violet Beauregarde has been the best thing to happen to Jessica Simpson for years. We’re being serious here. Her movie career was sinking fast, her career as a country singer wasn’t winning anyone over and – worst of all – she was being eclipsed in the celebrity stakes by her Skekis of a little sister.

But a few months of what we presume to be pity-bingeing on melon-sized clumps of unprocessed suet later, and Jessica Simpson is back where she belongs – being seriously discussed by lonely people who emotionally invest in the lives of strangers to try and ward off an inevitable existential meltdown.

And Jessica Simpson is loving it. Just because she got a bit fat and then tried to wear a pair of jeans that made her bottom look like a sun-blistered dinghy, Jessica Simpson can’t stay out of the news. Celebrities are defending her, between-song concert banter is misconstrued as heartfelt thanks from Jessica Simpson to all the fans who don’t care that she’s got 12 chins and arteries like fibreglass, and people even care when she messes up songs and starts crying again – we thought that people got bored of that old trick long ago.

But one thing that Jessica Simpson hasn’t done is directly address her weight gain. That all changed on CBS’s The Early Show this morning, though, when Jessica Simpson said this:

“Honestly, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I am so happy. Right now I’m on tour with Rascal Flatts, having a blast. We’re at Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Everybody’s just been so warm and welcoming. Lots of hugs, I like that… Texas style. Everything’s really great. It’s all about keeping the faith. That’s why I pray out loud.”

You see, Jessica Simpson is entirely comfortable with… hey, wait a minute! Jessica Simpson didn’t address her weight gain at all! All she actually did was promote her tour and forthcoming single in the style of a woman dictating a wartime telegram. Does that count? We don’t even think that actually counts.

Oh well, it’ll fall to someone else to secure Jessica Simpson’s first directly explicit statement about all the fuss over her weight gain, then. It’ll be a race against time, though – wait too long and Jessica Simpson runs the very real risk of swallowing the entire planet, Katamari-style.

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