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The Dark Knight

Batman 3! It Exists! In 2012! Probably!

by Stuart Heritage on June 21, 2010 8 Comments

Batman 3 rumours are film’s vuvuzela – they’re so annoying that most people have stopped noticing them.

But forget rumours. This is something teetering dangerously towards fact. According to reports, Batman 3 – the follow-up to The Dark Knight that will definitely be directed by Christopher Nolan and will definitely star Cher as Catwoman and Johnny Depp AND Eddie Murphy as The Riddler (or something) – is set to be released on 20 July 2012.

That’s great news. Not only will Batman 3 be a nice warm-up for the Olympics, which begins a week later, but it also gives Christian Bale a good two years to practise losing his temper so that he can fulfil the historical tradition of looking like the universe’s most colossal bellend right before it gets released. Hooray!

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Oscars: Every Film Ever To Get Nominated For Best Picture Now

by Stuart Heritage on June 25, 2009 1 Comment

Oscars, Best Picture, Best Picture Nominees, Sean Penn, The Dark KnightSean Penn! Come back! We forgive you for everything! But come back! We need you now more than ever!

Sean Penn has literally picked the worst time ever to take a career break. You see, it’s just been announced that at next year’s Oscars, 10 movies will be nominated for best picture instead of five. That means Hollywood needs to make twice as many drearily highbrow movies about either civil rights, the horrors or war or mental illness to fill the nominations quota.

Otherwise, God help us, a film that people actually enjoy might be nominated. Sean Penn, we’re begging you.

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Oscar Nominations: The Dark Knight Gets Blanked

by Stuart Heritage on January 22, 2009 8 Comments

Remember all that talk about how The Dark Knight should be given an Oscar nomination for Best Picture?

Yeah, it didn’t happen. The Oscar nominations have just been announced and, while The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button has managed to rack up 13 nominations, The Dark Knight has been comprehensively snubbed.

Shut out of the Best Picture and Best Director categories, the only real hope that The Dark Knight has of winning an Oscar in a big category now is with Heath Ledger‘s Best Supporting Actor nomination. And even if he does win, his acceptance speech is bound to be crap.

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Is The Dark Knight Getting An Oscar Nomination Or What?

by Stuart Heritage on January 21, 2009 0 Comments

This week is just too exciting for our liking – first Barack Obama gets inaugurated and now the Oscar nominations?

We literally can’t control our bowels. Literally. And, if anything, the Oscar nominations are even more exciting than the new president. Because, when they happen tomorrow, we’ll find out if The Dark Knight will get a Best Picture nod or not. Oscar hype over The Dark Knight has been steadily building for months now, and the repercussions of a nomination would be huge.

But we’ll have to explain them in a minute, after we’ve changed our pants. We really did mean literally.

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Dark Knight Wins People’s Choice Awards, Becomes ‘That’ Film

by Stuart Heritage on January 8, 2009 3 Comments

If you’ve been waiting for the proper time to start the Dark Knight backlash, then we’ve got some good news for you.

Last night The Dark Knight swept the People’s Choice Awards – the most white-bread, gonkishly populist, helmet-wearing awards show in the world. In other words, The Dark Knight is the film that fans of Kid Rock, Kate Hudson and Two And A Half Men like best.

In essence, this makes The Dark Knight the new Pirates Of The Caribbean – good news for anyone who wanted Batman 3 to feature three hours of Christian Bale running around pulling self-consciously barmy faces all the time.

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The Dark Knight’s Score Is Oscar-Eligible Again! Yipee!

by Stuart Heritage on December 10, 2008 1 Comment

The Dark Knight‘s score is so catchy – we haven’t been able to stop whistling that abstract discordant screech for months.

So when we heard that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had banned the score to The Dark Knight from Oscar eligibility on a technicality, we were furious – it was easily the biggest Oscars outrage since Geri Halliwell‘s turn in The Fat Slags didn’t win Best Supporting Actress in 2004.

But the good news is that the Academy has reversed its decision – now The Dark Knight‘s score can lose to the Alvin & The Chipmunks OST like nature intended.

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Batman 3: Christoper Nolan Still Being A Chuffing Tease

by Stuart Heritage on December 9, 2008 2 Comments

The world is dying for Batman 3 – it wants murk, it wants thematic complexity, it wants a superhero with a crappy voice.

But most of all, the world wants Christopher Nolan. But since this is Christopher Nolan – a man who once made an entire film about Al Pacino being quite sleepy – he isn’t making the Batman 3 talk easy.

Promoting The Dark Knight‘s DVD release, Nolan reiterated that the pressure of following such a huge movie might cause him to foul the sequel up. Well, Christopher, that didn’t stop Sam Raimi from making Spider-Man 3, and that was… um, OK, let’s move on.

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The Dark Knight Probably Not Going To Win All The Oscars Now

by Stuart Heritage on November 14, 2008 19 Comments

The Dark Knight is a sensation – the second-biggest movie of all time and easily the best film about a gimp punching a clown ever.

So, come Oscar night, you’d expect that The Dark Knight would wipe the floor with the competition – especially since the competition seems to be a million underperforming films about gloomy people from 35 years ago – but you’re wrong.

It’s just been announced that The Dark Knight can’t win the Oscar for Best Score because it was composed by too many people. That’ll be disappointing for the crew of The Dark Knight, but they’ll get over it – not least because the 2009 Oscars will introduce categories for Best Irredeemably Bleak Summer Movie and Silliest And Most Indecipherable Voice Employed By A Lead Actor, which The Dark Knight is already a dead cert for.

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Coming Soon To Cinemas: The Dark Knight, Whatever That Is

by Stuart Heritage

Phew, the summer movie season is over – now we can enjoy the more thoughtful awards season movies instead, like, um, The Dark Knight.

You see, even though every single living organism on the face of the Earth has already been to see The Dark Knight about 17 times already, producers are scared that the Academy will forget about it come Oscar nomination time, which is why they’ve pencilled in another theatrical release of The Dark Knight for January.

Of course, by January The Dark Knight’s bloated special effects are going to look foolish up against the more intelligent, issue-led fare of awards season, which is why Christopher Nolan is currently busy re-editing the movie to make Batman look like the widower of mentally-disabled United Nations worker killed in Darfur by a missile built in Iraq but funded by the American government, who are obviously the real baddies in all of this.

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Christopher Nolan To Pull Out Of Batman 3?

by Stuart Heritage

The Dark Knight was such a raging success that nobody really knew how Christopher Nolan would ever top it – so it looks like he’s decided not to.

It’s common knowledge that Christopher Nolan hasn’t signed on to direct Batman 3 yet, but now we’re starting to hear whispers that he’s probably never going to make Batman 3, probably because he wants to make loads more weird little films about David Bowie inventing electricity or something.

This rumour that Batman 3 will be directed by someone other than Christopher Nolan is actually quite worrying – not only because his work on The Dark Knight took intelligent popcorn hits to a dramatic new level, but also because he apparently wanted Cher to play Catwoman, and who wouldn’t want to see a big-haired pensioner wriggling around in a skin-tight latex leotard, right? Right? Hello? Anyone?

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