Say what you want about the Star Wars prequels, it’s still an unparalleled cinematic experience when the lights go down and the familiar John Williams fanfare kicks in with the logo and text crawl.

So it’s a feeling of impending cinematic doom when this new prequel/middle/sequel gets this simplest of iconic moments wrong!

Straight away you feel that your heading downhill with The Clone Wars as it replaces the text crawl with a voiceover narration that feels as jarring as it does patronising. As we get plumped straight into the action we have to get used to the new aesthetic style that matches a wooden finish with that of the prequel trilogy acting. It also dumps the classic musical themes of the saga, instead opting for, among other things, rock-style electric guitar. It’s as bad as it sounds, literally!

The plot concerns Jabba the Hutt‘s son being kidnapped, with the Jedis being sent on a rescue mission led by Anakin Skywalker and his new Padawan Ahsoka Tano. Ahsoka is destined to be the next saga character to get speared by the hardcore fanbase. Her entrance in which she nicknames Skywalker ‘Skyguy’ is as cheesy as it is annoying and she continues using this nickname along with other inventive quips throughout the film. Jar Jar, we miss you!

The director has decided to keep talking to a minimal luckily, as the film zooms by from action scene to action scene. Unfortunately none of them are as spectacular as they aspire to be, comparing poorly to that of the prequel trilogy, of which was hardly the pinnacle of excellence with their overreliance on CGI. In fact the film relies too much on action to keep the audience entertained, avoiding focus on its paper-thin plot and ends up making the space battles and lightsabre fights tiresome.

All of the prequel characters are chucked into the mix even if not needed, such as a strange diversion involving Padme and Jabba’s gay uncle from Kentucky, Ziro. Ziro is surprisingly enjoyable, only in a ‘so bad its funny’ kind of way, as he lords it up in his fluorescent gay bar. The characters remain faithful to their origins apart from Anakin whose dark edge is all but missing (because the film’s for kids don’t ya know), and it’s strange that he is given a Padawan not just because he was made a Jedi Knight reluctantly but also because Yoda contradicts himself somewhat.

The film isn’t worth these quibbles, as it will be lost in the deep dark Lucasfilm vault under ‘mistakes’ along with the Star Wars Holiday Special and aliens in Indy 4. If you’re a Star Wars fan that doesn’t want to see their precious saga tainted (can’t be many of you left) – then do not go within a 100 yard radius of this film. For everyone else – avoid like you would a Wookie who has just lost a game of chess!

[story by David Scarborough]

We're going to need two helpers – one to tape up George Lucas while we hold him down, and another one to force a snooker ball into his mouth.

We're not violent people, but it looks like this might be the only way to stop George Lucas from making Star Wars movies. Three years after he promised that Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith would be the last Star Wars film, George Lucas has announced that an animated movie called Star Wars: The Clone Wars will be released in August.

Rubbish, we know – but at least Star Wars: The Clone Wars won't have Ewan McGregor in it, so you won't feel the urge to stand up, run down the aisle of the cinema and start smacking at the screens with your fists this time. Oh, who are we kidding, yes you will.

2008 promises to be a big year for George Lucas, because between now and Christmas he looks set to run more of his good ideas into the dirt than ever before.

First comes Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, a kind of follow-up to the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles subtitled the Really Really Stupidly Sodding Old Indiana Jones Chronicles. And now George Lucas has announced the imminent arrival of another Star Wars movie, too. If he gets a wriggle on, Lucas might also be able to churn out a Willow sequel starring a trio of rapping carrots just to get the hat-trick.

But anyway, back to Star Wars – the scab that George Lucas can't stop clawing at. Even though the last three Star Wars prequels served no real purpose other than to destroy people's happy memories of the original Star Wars movies, explain the trade issues of a made-up planet in excruciating detail and introduce the word "Nooooooo!" into people's vocabulary, George Lucas is back for more.

Yes, more. George Lucas has looked at Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of The Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, The Star Wars Holiday Special, Caravan Of Courage: An Ewok Adventure, Ewoks: Battle For Endor, Droids, Ewoks, the Clone Wars cartoon, the 219 Star Wars novels, the 96 Star Wars videogames and the Darth Tater Star Wars Mr Potato Head and inexplicably decided that he'd somehow missed a bit.  

Even though George Lucas quit the movie game in 2006 and Lucasfilms last year officially announced that there'd never be another Star Wars movie made, it turns out those were great big fibs – according to the Los Angeles Times, George Lucas has the Star Wars: The Clone Wars movie ready for theatrical release in August:

"Star Wars: The Clone Wars," a new stylized, computer-animated feature film, will open Aug. 15 in theaters… The film and series will center on the wartime tales of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi and feature Padme Amidala, Mace Windu, Count Dooku and the other characters introduced in the second trilogy of live-action "Star Wars" films that began in 1999. "I felt like there were a lot more 'Star Wars' stories left to tell," Lucas said in a Tuesday press release. "I was eager to start telling some of them through animation and, at the same time, push the art of the animation forward."

Add to this the fact that George Lucas still seems weirdly determined to make that Star Wars TV show and we can draw a couple of conclusions here – either George Lucas has decided that he hasn't quite managed to wring enough cash out of Star Wars yet or he's realised that the only way to make The Phantom Menace look like the masterpiece he wanted it to be is by making stuff that's even worse in comparison.

So what's Star Wars: The Clone Wars going to be like? Apparently it'll differ from the previous Clone Wars cartoon visually – we're promised that it'll have photo-realistic graphics and characters that look like puppets.

So identical to Revenge Of The Sith, then.

Read more:

'Star Wars: The Clone Wars' due Aug. 15 – LA Times