It’s Thanksgiving! That means two things – nothing has happened today, and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TODAY.

Actually, that’s a lie. One thing has happened today. One scorching hot piece of news that’s likely to make you fall off your seat in utter astonishment. It’s easily the biggest piece of celebrity news this year, and possibly even this decade. Ready? Are you ready to have your senses fried and your brain melted by this unstoppable, world-changing piece of unquestionably seminal information? Are you? OK, here goes…

Lindsay Lohan‘s mum says that Lindsay Lohan makes quite nice mashed potatoes. That’s right, consider your mind BLOWN.

Thanksgiving is great. Actually, that probably needs a qualifier. Thanksgiving is great if you’re American. It’s the day when all Americans get to sit around and eat too much – which we’re told is different to the other 364 days of the year, although we still need to be convinced of that.

But if you’re not American and, say, you write for an entertainment website that’s largely skewed towards American celebrities, Thanksgiving is rubbish. Nothing will happen today and – just as a heads up for anyone planning to come back tomorrow – nothing’s going to happen then, either. Because tomorrow is Black Friday, so called for being the day when all Americans spend a full 24 hours squeezing painfully-large ink-coloured turds out of their bottoms as a result of eating five times their own body weight in poultry the day before.

But it’s not all bad news. If it wasn’t for Thanksgiving, for instance, we wouldn’t know that Lindsay Lohan can make mashed potatoes quite well. Because she can, you know, and she’s going to show off her potato-making skills for her family later today. Dina Lohan said so. And thank Christ she did. People reports:

“Lindsay is making the garlic mashed potatoes. They are amazing!” Dina Lohan told PEOPLE. As for how her daughter her is doing, Dina says, “Lindsay is doing great right now. She’s happy and very busy working. She works a lot and so we’re excited to have her home for Thanksgiving… Ali is doing the stuffing and I’m doing the turkey and making sure nothing burns,” says Dina.

There’s something about that last paragraph that doesn’t quite ring true, isn’t there? Are Lindsay Lohan’s garlic mashed potatoes really amazing? Are they? Because we can’t help feeling that if Lindsay Lohan’s garlic mashed potatoes were really that amazing, Dina Lohan would have found a way to give herself all the credit for their success and then star in a reality TV show that constantly alluded to them by now.

Still, we’d love to know what Lindsay Lohan’s potato-making secret is. We hear it’s shouting “Do you know who I am?” at the potatoes until they lose their structural integrity. Or forming them into the shape of a mannish-looking woman and then having sex with them until they’re ready. Or cocaine. Oh, we don’t know. Frankly we’re astounded that you’re still reading this.

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Madonna doesn’t do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open.

And because of this, Madonna won’t be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it’s because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier.

But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who’s bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That’s got to sting a bit.

This Thanksgiving will be the first one in ages that Madonna and Guy Ritchie won’t spend as a married couple. The knock-on effects of that are huge. It means that Guy Ritchie won’t have to eat a gigantic turkey dinner, and can settle for the 14 giant turkey dinners that he usually has at every mealtime regardless of the day, the greedy cockney fool.

And as for Madonna? Well, she’s free to spend her Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, the man rumoured to have played some part in the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie split. You’ll remember, of course, that Alex Rodriguez is the man who apparently ran out on the birth of his second child to meet Madonna because Madonna brainwashed him into thinking that she was his ‘fucking soulmate’. He’s obviously a highly intelligent gentleman.

Well, now that her divorce saga is finally over, Madonna can make this Thanksgiving a celebration of her new-found freedom and the love that she apparently has for Alex Rodriguez. They can cook a huge Thanksgiving meal together that Rodriguez can eat and Madonna can lick a molecule of before whining to her personal trainer about it and then doing tantric sit-ups for nine hours to burn off the calories.

Except, despite what’s been reported, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together at all. People reports:

“He always had every intention of spending the holiday with Cynthia, the family, and his two daughters. There was never any intention of him flying back. The allegations regarding this trip to New York [to be with Madonna] couldn’t be anything farther from the truth”. A-Rod is planning on having dinner with Cynthia and their two children Tuesday night.

So, in short, something you didn’t know was happening isn’t happening. You may let this news affect your life in whichever manner you see fit.

But still, at least you know that however you are or aren’t spending Thanksgiving, at least you know yours will be better than Alex Rodriguez’s. Unless you happen to be spending it sitting around a table in icy silence with a woman who clearly hates every fibre of your body and some children who want to know why daddy doesn’t love them any more, in which case your Thanksgiving will be identical to Alex Rodriguez’s.

But don’t think that Madonna will be upset about this Thanksgiving shun because, as she so clearly stated, she works too hard to be upset about anything. And if she doesn’t happen to be working over Thanksgiving? When then she’ll be too busy, um, being a bit lonely to be upset. Does that work?

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Harry Potter has a lot to answer for – now he’s magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back.

Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick – the one with the funny name – back.

Alright, so it’s only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still – come on. Give us a break here.

The reason for the move was given as a simple one: ‘we want more money’. Technically not what they actually said, but ‘moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market’ is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.

While we do wish we could live in a world where money wasn’t such a driving factor, where advertising wasn’t so rampantly killing off the reputations of entertainers and where focus groups didn’t decide what we could watch and when… well, we don’t. Which means you have to wait an extra week to see Quantum of Solace in the US.

We don’t, mind, as we’re in Britain. We still get the thing on October 31st, which makes us a great deal better than you, our wonderful trans-Atlantic chums. In your face! It also shows that the film isn’t being pushed back because of any kind of curse that may be going around, which is nice.

Speaking to Variety, the Sony chairman of something and something else blah distribution world said:

“We believe Nov. 14 is a great date that allows us to play straight through Thanksgiving and right into Christmas. We believe this decision will give the public a wider opportunity to see the film over the holiday.”

Like we said – it’s pretty transparent in the reasoning, but they still try and hide the fact that the decision was made for more delicious, life-giving money. Instead, it’s put as being for your benefit. Bless them – they really do care about you*.

Nevertheless, the wait for Jimmy Bond’s latest outing is sure to be worth it, with the trailer making it out to be one long fight. We’re not complaining – two hours of brawling is something hecklerspray would pay good money to see, along with paying $250 for other activities.

To make the wait that little bit easier, check out the official song to Quantum of Solace – far better than this poorly-thought-out effort by two relative unknowns – as provided by the world-renowned composer Joe Cornish**:

It certainly works better than the original teaser.

*They don’t care about you.

** This is all a lie. It is not the official song. He is a British comedian.

Hecklerspray is so poor it can't even afford paper plates. That's why this week, in its New York, Los Angeles and Rigby, Idaho offices, everyone's gonna try to somehow wrap their keyboards with enough paper towels and Saran Wrap to be able to use them as food platters. Believe it or not this works pretty good except for soup.

We did the keyboard thing last year too, but it was our first time and it didn't work so well. A pickle got wedged next to our exclamation point key, and we only got it out a month ago. That was like 11 months of apparent rage – we really weren't half as impassioned as we came across. Honest.

Someone who is that impassioned, apparently, is Miley Cyrus. She sees Britney Spears flailing all about publicly and whatnot, and she's gonna fix it. With turkey gravy. Because Britney Spears is going to Miley's for Thanksgiving dinner. Sounds like a fine idea until Hannah Montana's dad walks in and sees his daughter tricked into licking Cranberry sauce off an attention-starved Spears' squishy abs.

Brit'll be on her own this Christmas. Yup.

According to TMZ:

Popwreck Britney Spears was at Petco yesterday, when a reporter asked her if she will be dining at Miley Cyrus' house for Thanksgiving, and Britney said yes. For the love of Hannah Montana!

Apparently is was Cyrus senior – the Billy one – who did the inviting, in his exact words:

We love her. We would love to be there for you and we care about you.

That sounds nice. We love her too, you know. Well, not quite as much as that sissy in the blanket-fort , but a touch more than K-Fed ever did. That's why if dinner at Miley's turns totally lame, like if they make her wear underpants or try to obtain a court ordered urine sample, she is welcome to celebrate the holiday with hecklerspray.

Keep in mind Brits, TG-dinner with the h-spray isn't traditional by any stretch of the imagination. Sure you still have stuffing, bird and taters – but we also have Bruce. He's from the mail room and last year he dressed like a giant roast turkey – oh Bruce! Barb, the lush from marketing, actually took three chunks out of him before she figured out it was a costume. Squirting blood has never been so funny.

The crying though, well that was a touch depressing.