THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it’s time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.

It’s fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ‘street’ to keep his pupils interested?

But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.

Mr. Bulcock is currently in court for sending a series of threatening texts to the 53 year old DJ. A man Bulcock claims he, “admires.”

We can’t really blame Bulcock for sending abusive texts to Westwood, if any of us were forced to listen to a man over half a century old telling us how ‘fly’ that latest ‘snoop joint’ was then we’d probably just start sending torrents of abuse to him too.

However, this isn’t exactly the worst thing Westwood has had to put up with in his life. There was the time he got shot and the time he had to host Pimp My Ride UK, both of which were equally painful. Admittedly though, the latter was only painful to everyone else besides Westwood.

Whilst the Big Dog continues to occupy the house it doesn’t appear as if he’ll be dominating the court (the actual court, not the basketball court) with his mad lyrical skillz anytime soon. However, Bulcock will be back in the courthouse next month to be sentenced.

With Bulcock safely under lock and key we can all rest assured that Tim Westwood will live to offend our ears another day.

It’d be nice if, just once, the big dog would actually just stay in the house.

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The world may not care that much about Britney Spears as a singer any more, but so long as she's got ovaries constantly on the brink of inflating up another redneck infant and expelling it from her body, she'll never be without attention.

For example, the entire planet is currently frothing around like billyo over speculation that Britney Spears is pregnant with yet another child. But, as we all know, Britney Spears has emphatically refuted these claims as "B.S." So now the magazine that broke the Pregnant Britney Spears story in the first place has gone public with the text messages it claims are from the alleged father, admitting that the pregnancy is real. So what's the truth? Either Britney Spears is pregnant, Britney Spears isn't pregnant or there's a murky, alley-dwelling unlicensed abortionist knocking around somewhere who's sitting on an effing goldmine.

There's no doubt in the world that Britney Spears enjoys being pregnant. If the statue of Britney Spears giving birth isn't a pretty good signal of this, then the way that Britney Spears posed naked for a magazine when she was pregnant with Jayden James should prove it. And if you're still not convinced, count the times that Britney Spears has displayed her vagina in public, as if to say "this is the place where all my little men come from."

However, as much as Britney Spears loves being pregnant, she obviously hasn't got used to the bit that comes afterwards yet, as the bad driving and the claims of abuse and the skull fractures and the losing custody to Kevin Federline – Kevin Federline! – go to show. So just because Britney Spears likes pregnancy, it's probably not something she should do very often. 

And that's why there's so much fuss being made about the state of Britney Spears womb at the moment. Earlier this week In Touch Weekly magazine claimed that Britney Spears was pregnant again, with a baby fathered by music producer JR Rotem. However, Britney Spears said that she wasn't pregnant and called the whole thing "B.S" – which is confusing because that could be an abbreviation for either "bullshit," "Britney Spears," "Baby? Sure" or "Boom Shack-A-Lack," an ultimately irrelevant reference to the 1993 Apache Indian number five hit.

But In Touch Weekly is determined to go down swinging, and it has released the text messages that it claims are from JR Rotem confirming the pregnancy. Along with an "it's true" message, In Touch also apparently received one from Rotem that answers a question about whether or not Britney Spears will keep the baby with:

"No clue on what she will do. She is unpredictable." 

So it looks like Britney Spears is pregnant after all. But, no, wait, JR Rotem has also gone to People magazine to say that Britney Spears isn't actually pregnant at all, saying that:

"There is absolutely no truth to this." 

You know who we feel sorry for if Britney Spears really is pregnant with her third child? Britney Spears' fourth child, that's who. Look at the pattern of Britney's decreasing pregnancy enthusiasm – when Britney was pregnant with baby number it was all smiles and happiness. Then Britney got pregnant with baby number two and called it a giant mistake. Now that Britney could be pregnant with baby number three, she's so embarrassed by it that she's denying it even exists, spawning all kinds of dark abortion talk. So on this basis, when Britney Spears gets pregnant with baby number four she'll probably end up stabbing herself in the womb with a carving knife on live TV or something.

Which, admittedly, would still pale against Britney's MTV VMA performance in terms of uncomfortable television moments.

Read more:

In Touch Gets Text Punk'D? – E! Online