Cher Lloyd, you remember her don’t you? She’s that one what didn’t win the X Factor and is still famous for some reason despite not having actually done anything to earn it.

Well, she’s back in the news this week after accusing new X Factor judge Tulisa off of the N-Dubz of secretly being a hermaphrodite.

Lloyd was quoted as saying that Contos… Contstav… Tulisa has, “got balls,” a revelation that is sure to send the N-Dubz star nuts.

The N-Dubz and X Factor management teams had, until now, done a remarkable job keeping Tulisa’s alleged acorns under wraps and, with the death of the News of the World, may have thought that said balls would never have seen the light of day.

One possible reason for the slip could be that Cher Lloyd has just released her debut single, the bizarrely titled Swagger Jagger, and needed to stir up a bit of controversy so that people remember who she is.

But why pick on poor, sweet Tulisa, what has she ever done eh? Apart from steal (Lloyd’s X Factor mentor) Cheryl Cole’s job and singlehandedly destroy her life, forcing our Chezza to reconcile with former hubby and renowned love rat/careless pellet gun owner, Ashley.

Tulisa has yet to react to Lloyd’s allegation, which is a shame, as we here at hecklerspray do love it when Tulisa goes off on one of her, allegedly testosterone fuelled, rants.

We’ll all just have to wait and see whether or not Tulisa’s N-Dublets ever get revealed to the world, but we can’t help but think that if they do get some airtime on the X-Factor we’ll immediately be asked which one we want to vote off, resulting in the most awkward and yet oddly compelling sing off in the history of TV talent shows.

Wait, we’ve got the wrong end of the stick here, haven’t we?

Balls.

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As a newly-resurgent box office force, Mickey Rourke can now use his fame to raise awareness of anything he likes.

So he has. And what good cause has Mickey Rourke chosen to promote? Why, the unnecessary proliferation of dog testicles. Mickey Rourke has taken part in a PETA campaign to urge dog owners to neuter their pets.

Mickey says this is to stop the murder of millions of unwanted puppies each year, but we think differently – we think Mickey Rourke uses mashed-up dog testicles as a facial filler to mask his weird plastic surgery and that he’s on a stockpile drive.

Mickey Rourke, make no mistake, is the greatest Christmas gift we’ve ever received. Sure, we’ve seen plenty of written-off actors make spectacular comebacks in our time – like when Sylvester Stallone made Rocky Balboa or when Steven Seagal decided to set Under Siege 3 in space – but Mickey Rourke blows them all out of the water. This is for four primary reasons:

1) Mickey Rourke has won unbelievable critical acclaim for his role in The Wrestler.

2) Mickey Rourke has become one of the world’s most highly sought-after actors because of his role in The Wrestler.

3) Mickey Rourke has a face that looks like a water bomb that’s been filled with Ardennes pate and dropped down an abandoned lift shaft.

4) Now that he’s famous, Mickey Rourke won’t bloody shut up about his dogs.

This was apparent on Sunday, when Mickey Rourke essentially dedicated his Golden Globe win to all of his dead pets. But just in case that wasn’t enough, he’s now also decided to take part in a PETA campaign to encourage dog owners to castrate their pets. People reports:

Cradling his Chihuahua, Jaws, in PETA’s new ad, the actor urges people to “have the cojones to fix your dog. When dogs get knocked up, puppies get put down because there aren’t enough homes for them… The most important thing about having a dog and loving a dog is keeping the dog its whole natural life,” says Rourke, who adds that “you have a responsibility to communicate with your animal how much he means to you.”

And there was us thinking that PETA stood for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. How wrong we were – turns out it’s actually an acronym for Please Eliminate Testicles Agonisingly. We’ll remember that.

However, just because it doesn’t seem to count canine genital mutilation as cruelty, we shouldn’t write off PETA’s campaign straight away. If Mickey Rourke says that keeping the bollocks on your dog will end up with the death of some unwanted puppies, then maybe it’s our responsibility to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Also, if we do it now then PETA won’t have to resort to its plan B – Mickey Rourke’s ‘I’d Rather Go Naked Than Not Neuter My Pet’ billboard campaign. Nobody deserves to see that.

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