“hecklersprayers, I’m getting a man. He’s got blondey-brown hair with a reddy tinge and he might wear glasses? Or shoes? His name begins with a D…no? An S? Still no-one? T? Ah yes. Is it Terry? Tommy you say. He says that he’s sorry and that he’s forgiven you.”

Which is the cue for the audience member to burst into tears and hail Sally Morgan as some modern day Jesus, except with a few more pounds in her bank account. He knows it’s not about the money, money, money. It’s all about the kick ass robes.

Which is what it’s been for years now. Sally Morgan has steadfastly made a name for herself as being an authentic psychic, even though there’s not really such a thing; Spreading messages from beyond the grave to bored housewives, people who should know better and professional vagina-heads Katie Price and Diana, Princess of Hearts (may she rest in peace… or, y’know, pestered by psychics in the afterlife).

But now there’s a bit of a psychic hoohah going on as footage of Sally Morgan removing an earpiece after a show has arisen on her own YouTube channel and some members of one of her audiences claim that they have heard someone in a back room of a Dublin theatre passing information onto Morgan via the medium of actual technology. Which is probably one of the most legal things to happen in a Dublin theatre back room, eh, [reference to X Factor judge removed].

On the face of it, it makes it look like Morgan has been entirely disingenuous about her claims to talk to spirits and various other mythical beasts*. Why does she need to have an earpiece in? Surely that just clashes with all those spirits queuing up to use her mouth as a portal to the realm of the living. Or using her eyes to look at those scandalous pictures of Scarlett Johansson. And unless she has a legion of psychics at her command, like a telepathic Justice League, there’s not really much need for her to have someone feeding information to her IF THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

To help Morgan out of this paranormal pickle, sceptical scientists have set up an experiment for her to prove that she has fancy medium powers, and isn’t a dirty rotten scoundrel. Fantastic right? Imagine how fantastic it would be to say that you are an accredited psychic. People would want to sit next to you on the bus if you were an accredited psychic. This whole experiment thing could only result a good thing, right?

So it probably won’t surprise you to hear that Morgan had no intention of turning up to the experiment, mainly because everyone suspects her career to be a jug of horsepiss, or, possibly because she has an “extremely rare” illness and her doctor has advised her not to travel by plane, train or automobile.

Her legal representative, Graham Atkins has emailed the wonderful writer Simon Singh saying these words:

“You well know that we all have far more important things to do than take part in this or any other ‘test’ at this point. She will not attend at Liverpool or at any other time.”

Sounds like a bit of a cock doesn’t he? Not because he’s making Sally Morgan look like a prize weapon, but because he’s totally cock blocking any attempt at debunking paranormal pranksters.

Looks like its just down to us and Derren Brown.

* Rumour has it Sally Morgan meets…The Kraken will be a hit of the Christmas TV line up.

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Britney Spears may look and act as mad as a big donkey, but don't ever doubt her resourcefulness.

It's only been a few days since Britney Spears' disturbing meltdown saw her lose all visitation rights to her children for a month, but already Britney Spears has decided that if she can't see her kids she'll just grow another one inside her.

That's right – Britney Spears might be pregnant again. Be afraid. 

If we had to pick one person in the entire world who we'd least like to be, it'd be little Sean Preston Federline. With Britney Spears and Kevin Federline as his parents, genetically he's probably been left with the intellectual potential of, say, a clod of mud, but that's not all. Presuming she eventually gets some form of visitation rights initiated before he's 18, Britney Spears is bound to start seeing Sean Preston as the moment everything started to go wrong.

Look at the facts – pre-baby Britney Spears was the virginal girl next door who all the young kids idolised. Post-baby and Britney Spears is the bald nutter with the escapologist vagina and nothing more. So Sean Preston is going to get it bad, and we really wouldn't like to be in his shoes when he does. 

However, a little thing like babies wrecking her life isn't going to stop Britney Spears from thumping them out of her body one after the other like a soggy mogwai. Just days after her courtroom no-show rubberstamped the loss of her children for a month, Britney Spears has been seen out and about browsing pregnancy tests. The Daily Dish reports:

Britney Spears has sparked reports she is pregnant with her third child, after the troubled star was spotted shopping for home pregnancy tests in Los Angeles recently. But Spears appears to be getting serious with her paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, after she was snapped browsing pregnancy tests at pharmacy store Rite Aid earlier this week.

Now, there are three possible explanations for Britney Spears browsing the pregnancy tests:

1 - Britney Spears could be pulling a clever joke on the public by deliberately courting pregnancy speculation even though she's not actually pregnant. If that's the case, we have to hand it to Britney the unwell-looking, suicide note-writing car-crash who has just been banned from seeing her own children. We really do look like quite the foolish ones here, don't we?

2 - Britney Spears actually is pregnant, in which case we should extend our warmest congratulations to Britney. After all, in getting knocked up by a man who recently tried to sell naked pictures of her, Britney's found the one person on Earth who makes Kevin Federline look like a catch, or

3 - Britney Spears was just looking for something small enough to shoplift.

But balls to the speculation, we just hope that Britney Spears is pregnant. Because that way, along with Jamie-Lynn Spears' pregnancy, we can all rest safe in the knowledge that the world will soon be overpopulated with little Spears babies, all running around clanging into things and eating bits of plastic and getting farted on by their mothers.

It's an investment for the future is what it is.

Read more:

Spears Shops For Paternity Tests – Daily Dish 

If you’re like us, you watched Tim Burton's Planet Of The Apes and thought to yourself afterwards “what a load of rubbish, there’s no way a chimp could outsmart me” or “that remake was shit”.  

But now it seems that this has become reality as a team of bored Japanese scientists got to pit man against beast to see who was cleverer. However we would like to point out that the chimps were only facing a group of college students. As we all know most students don’t really give a toss about their work/task unless the deadline is three days away. More than likely they were concentrating too much on what cheap nasty cider they were going to get wasted on later that day. 

The task was simple, after a few numbers appeared on a screen the volunteers had to press in where they thought they had appeared. So what was the point in this? Well, scientists were looking to see if chimps – our closest living ancestor – were as smart as us when it comes to memory. Lead researcher Tetsuro Matsuzawa said: 

"There are still many people, including many biologists, who believe that humans are superior to chimpanzees in all cognitive functions.” 

Two sets of chimps were tested against some students who took part to either get a bit of extra income or who wanted to play with a chimp for a day. The mother chimps and their offspring were tested separately to see if age was a factor in speediness and memory. We can only presume no father chimps were present due to football being on the TV. 

And what did they find? Basically, we are thick compared to a creature that we throw peanuts at in a zoo and laugh at when it shits all over the floor.

“They found that, in general, the young chimps performed better than their mothers and the adult humans. The university students were slower than all of the three young chimpanzees in their response.”

So they you have it. We are officially dumber than a chimp when it comes to memory. However we still have the upper hand when it comes to driving a car, being able to write and putting together some flat pack furniture from Ikea. Well to be fair, we can’t do that very well, but we’d like to see a chimp try and outsmart us there.

At the end of the experiment, we presume the chimps celebrated their win over us moronic human beings with a cup of PG Tips and a fat Cuban cigar. 

Read more: 

Chimps Beat Humans In Memory Test - BBC