So who’ll be the unlucky housemates who’ll face the next Celebrity Big Brother? Well, Coolio. Obviously Coolio. What do we look like, idiots? Of course it’ll be Coolio. And probably one of the others who, we’re sad to admit, have all blended into one disgusting entity, a bit like the floating BBC Zardoz head that freaked everyone a couple of years ago.

Anyway, here’s part two of this week’s look at the Celebrity Big Brother housemates – for Terry Christian, Tina Malone, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – Bollocks. We knew this would happen – Terry Christian has emerged as the down-to-earth voice of normality in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. And there we were hoping that he’d be the same old obnoxious bellend who goaded all those idiots into drinking their own vomit back in the early 1990s. Oh well. There’s not much else to say about Terry Christian, really, other than that he’d probably be the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate we’d be happy to go to the pub with. Well, apart from Coolio, but that’s only because he’d probably get beaten up after about two minutes in a normal British pub.

Tina Malone – It’s fair to say that Tina Malone is basically four dreadlocks and about six stone shy of being Collio’s identical twin, but the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates have yet to pick up on it. Both are frighteningly self-obsessed, both have voices that sound like the screeching aftermath of a motorway accident and both have, on occasion, flirted uncomfortably with Ulrika Jonsson. But the rest of the house seems totally obvious to this. Nobody’s even commented that Tina looks like the albino lovechild of Mo Mowlam and Gary Coleman yet. And that’s obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Tommy Sheridan – If there was a Celebrity Big Brother god, we’d rush out into the streets and do a little celebratory dance to him for gifting us with Tommy Sheridan this year. Hands down, Tommy Sheridan is the find of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – and the fact he’s agreed to do it while clearly in the deranged throes of a midlife crisis just makes it even sweeter. So far, as well as consistently failing to fool anyone into thinking that he’s not going bald, Tommy has convinced himself that Big Brother was engineering a romance between him and Michelle Heaton, dressed up as a pepperpot and failed to do a rudimentary dance to a Salt N Pepa song on ice with Michael Jackson’s sister and consistently adopted a toe-curling take on Ebonics whenever he’s had to talk to Coolio. Tommy Sheridan is obviously a genius, and we want him to win Celebrity Big Brother. And then, ideally, fall down a crack in the Earth and never be heard of again.

Ulrika Jonsson – Good. You didn’t evict Ulrika Jonsson from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Whether that was because the show was edited to make her look more favourable, or because she suddenly decided to tell endless sympathy stories about herself in the closing days of last week, or because you find her relatable on a human level or because – unlike Lucy Pinder – she may have had an original thought at some point in her life, it doesn’t matter. Because, by keeping Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother, you may have just started off one of television’s greatest emotional breakdowns. Pats on the back all round, everyone.

Verne Troyer – By the look of it, Verne Troyer’s already got Celebrity Big Brother all sewn up. He’s disabled, but he doesn’t use his disability as an excuse to act like a nobstand like blind Mikey or mad Pete. He speaks movingly about his dead friends. He seems almost cripplingly shy at times. He sings Lionel Richie songs like a bored goat calling for help from the bottom of a well. There’s literally nothing bad to say about Verne Troyer. And that’s why we can’t stand him.

Later this week: Celebrity Big Brother eviction shenanigans. Unless we die of boredom first, which is very possible.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.

So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

One of these drivers, Mungo, 32, from Bexhill-on-Sea, was so enraged that he choked to death on his own foam. Mungo was later found resurrected and fictitious.

When Terry finished his meal he no doubt had a poo, before returning to find a £60 fine left under the wiper-blade of his car by one of Britain's heroic traffic wardens. He didn't even have the common decency to feign a limp or an epi on the way.

According to reports, Terry dropped his trousers and pants, placed his penis into the palm of his hand and pissed £60 pound into it. He then wheel-span away with the most evil laugh he could muster and flipped the bird at a nearby Scope.

You see, Terry makes a reported £135,000 a week. That's £135,000-a-week. The man is a walking advert for the moral decline inevitable in a capitalist society. Stalin would never had let this happen, that's all we're saying.

Last night an aide said Terry was sorry and pledged never to do it again. Tell it to Mungo, Terry. Tell it to Mungo's grieving family.

Read more: Footie Ace Parks In Disabled Bay – The Sun