Make no mistake about it, Celebrity Big Brother is brilliant. It’s like the exact opposite of normal Big Brother, in that one features everyday people with weird haircuts attempting to become famous, whilst this one features famous people attempting to convince the world that they are just like you and me.

Only they’re not. They’re nothing like you and me. For a start, we’re really nice. We have no reason to consume breakfast wearing shades. And we don’t look like we’ve spent eight or nine years going to the toilet in between paragraphs.

Anyway, it looks like becoming another fine year for the show, with Stephen Baldwin managing to steer every single conversation, no matter what the topic, around to his boring relationship with Jesus – who, by the way, he hasn’t even met. Heidi Fleiss has the look of a woman who might not wake up one morning. And Russian one and music man appear to be using some kind of skunk method to impress one another, using smells from their bottoms.

It’s exciting stuff. But will any of these beautiful maniacs ever be able to sit alongside the wonderful names listed below? That’s the question.

Vanessa Feltz, 2001

Before entering the BB house in 2001, no one was entirely sure who this woman was. She seemed a bit mumsy. Fast forward exactly four days, and she was the mental one on Big Brother. The one who stood menacingly in a pair of sunglasses writing words like “shit”, “I’m frightened”, and “oh bollocks” on a coffee table. Or something like that.

Les Dennis, 2002

Everyone loved Les Dennis, mainly because he was an outstanding impressionist. He could do anything from an Australian man to Frank Spencer. Seriously, he was that good. If you closed your eyes and asked Les to do some impersonations, he could honestly make you feel like you were in a room with about three or four other people. Not just Les. He spent his time in the house explaining his marital issues to chickens.

John McCririck, 2005

Only men with gambling problems who smoke stubby cigarettes through a thumb-and-forefinger pincer had ever heard of John McCririck before 2005. He was the horse racing guy who dressed like Sherlock Holmes in a rap video. Now we all know him, mainly as the man who wore big pants, ate his own snot, and casually degraded his wife whilst on live television.

Bez, 2005

Bez had never had it so good as when he won Celebrity Big Brother in 2005, beating off stiff competition from the one who rapped in that group, and the one who was an actor, or an actress or something. Before entering the house, he looked exactly like the kind of man who would ask you for a quid.

Pete Burns, 2006

Before Pete Burns, it’s fair to say that most men in the military/prison had never before looked at a man and become quite so sexually aroused. That’s because, for a man, Pete Burns was a beautiful beautiful woman. Those plump lips, those flowing locks, those small knickers housing a real-life gentleman’s penis. He made talking very slowly about how disgusting he found other human beings his trademark.

Chantelle Houghton, 2006

Hilariously, before 2006’s edition, the big throbbing brains behind CBB decided to throw in someone who wasn’t actually a celebrity to confuse the other celebrities! Sweet Baby Jane, you should have seen their faces when they found out! They were GOBSMACKED. And probably slightly hurt. Anyway, Chantelle lived every young girls dream by hooking up with a rock star. She went on to complete the dream by marrying him, then divorcing him, and she now has sex with footballers. Presumably.

Leo Sayer, 2007

Sadly, in 2007, Leo Sayer’s cameo on the show was rather overshadowed by everyone becoming really racist during an argument. Before that, he was mesmerising, particularly when he stormed out of the house and started pushing the bouncers around, because he’d just that minute run out of underpants and felt very livid about it.

Terry Christian, 2009

The last outing featured a few cracking ones. Particularly good was Verne Troyer – the man who hammered home the point that Hollywood stars really are shorter in real life. But the pick of the bunch was Terry Christian, who managed to morph from being the annoying presenter from The Word into something really quite wonderful.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment, and so say all of us

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Wow, we got so caught up in the excitement of Celebrity Big Brother‘s 20th interminable day yesterday that we totally forgot to mention the double eviction.

Well, there was a double eviction on Celebrity Big Brother, yesterday with LaToya Jackson and Tommy Sheridan getting the chop because nobody likes them. Or because nobody realised they existed, in Tommy Sheridan’s case. Either way, they’ve gone. Please let it affect your life accordingly.

So, with a clear run to Friday’s final, who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother? Here’s our take on the matter, for Terry Christian…

Terry Christian – Is it just us, or has Terry Christian physically aged since he entered the Celebrity Big Brother house. Three weeks ago he was impish and fun, and now he spends all his time wondering why winters aren’t as cold as they were when he was a lad. It’s something Terry needs to keep an eye on if he wants to win Celebrity Big Brother. The public don’t vote for bores, you see. Except for that boring woman who won Big Brother last year. And that ginger politician chap. And Anthony. And… oh, come to think of it, Terry Christian’s probably doing alright, actually.

Tomorrow: Celebrity Big Brother final day looks at Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer, who’s obviously going to win it anyway so we don’t know why we’re even bothering.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Today’s Celebrity Big Brother update: nothing happened. Nothing happened and, at this rate, nothing is going to happen. Ever.

But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!