terrorists - HecklerSpray

Robbie Williams Carelessly Murdered By Misguided Dream Assassins

January 5th, 2012 By Michael Park

Take That’s Prodigal Son and Stoke’s most irritating son Robbie Williams has been waking up in the night covered in a liquid that isn’t his own urine according to The Daily Star. In an interview with Britain’s least believable paper, Williams?prophesied?that he might be a target for terrorists because he’s so completely important.

The egotist, who recently returned to the warming, Northern embrace of his former Take That, has been ?having trouble sleeping recently and instead of taking a Night Nurse and keeping his massive flapping trap shut, he decided to give an “exclusive” to a woeful Red Top.

Luckily, he’s been having dreams that even Joseph & His Technicolour Fraud Coat wouldn’t have any trouble analysing.

David Letterman To Be Assassinated By Al Qaeda (It Will Make Excellent Television In Fairness)

August 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

David Letterman is good at his job… his job being that he’s supposed to be vaguely sarcastic yet warm and mock the affair he had behind his wife’s back. He’s a pretty good egg all in all. However, he’s about to die.

See, ol’ Letterman likes making jokes about terrorists. And quite right too! They’re a hilarious bunch (although, their punchlines could do with some work. We haven’t quite worked out how to laugh at a video of someone having their head hacked off… yet).

Of course, if you mock terrorists, they get angry. All they want is to be taken seriously. They are no laughing matter. They have nailbombs and virgins awaiting them. And so, cross these chaps and they’ll kill you. And they’ve decided they will assassinate David Letterman.

Nobody Blows Paul McCartney Up In Israel, Not Even Once

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Ha! Eat that, terrorists! It’s 2-0 to Paul McCartney – first for that godawful Freedom song he did and secondly for not getting blown up last night.

Despite the all the threats against his life, Paul McCartney and his 5,000 bodyguards finally played their long-awaited peace concert in Israel last night, with no disruption whatsoever from fanatical snipers or would-be suicide bombers or whatnot. Paul McCartney lives to fight another day!

Of course, Paul McCartney’s masterstroke was to address both sides of the Middle East conflict in their own language right at the start of the concert. First McCartney opened with “Shalom, Tel Aviv, shana tova, ahlan!” giving the crowd the traditional Hebrew greeting ahead of Monday’s Rosh Hashanah celebrations. Then he added “Ramadan kareem” which, as we all know, is Arabic for “Not the face! Not the face!”

Paul McCartney Tells Islam To Stick Its Death Threats Up Its Bum

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Paul McCartney’s concert in Israel next week could be his last – and not because he’ll soil himself getting to the high note in Hey Jude and retire out of shame.

No, instead, the concert in Israel could be Paul McCartney’s last because a gang of Islamic extremists are running around telling everyone that they’re going to kill him if he follows through with his plan to play there.

However, Paul McCartney has shown admirable strength of character by refusing to bow to these religious fanatics. In fact, if anything this death threat has just strengthened Paul McCartney’s resolve – not only will he play the concert in Israel, but he’s even going to turn it into a live album, entitled Paul McCartney Live Behind Six Inches Of Reinforced Plexiglass Inside A Sealed Lead Box Surrounded By Several Bodyguards And At Least A Couple Of Tanks.