Odious slit-eyed dolt Matt Cardle has decided to further distance himself from the leagues of likeability this week by joining the ranks of Charlie Sheen, Lee Ryan, David Shayler et al by making dubious comments regarding the circumstances surrounding 9/11.

Whilst dodging his destined career as a Wetherspoons deputy-manager, the unflattering-hat enthusiast has stated that:

“The whole 9/11 thing… something’s not quite right there.”

Reports are unclear, but we understand the relatives of the 2,998 people who died as a result of the attacks are framing pictures of Matt ‘bloody’ Cardle as we speak, delighted as they are to have a small-town stubbly talent-show-nobody cast doubt upon the circumstances of the appalling death of their beloved kinfolk.

The entirely fictitious Mrs.Houndslow of Wisconsin, whose son Jack perished in a cloud of dusty red bone and flesh in the bowels of the South Tower is quoted as saying, in a completely imaginary interview with us:

“Thank God and Jesus that the United Kingdom’s X-Factor winner of whatever year it was Matthew Cardle and his hat/cap are on the case. NOW we may finally get some answers. Other than the current answers we have that make perfect sense.”

Matthew “Matt” Cardle’s “something’s not quite right” allegation may yet see the FBI re-opening their investigation, and also lead to him suffering several disingenuous interviews with Jon Ronson.

Mis-hearing the news that he was “in the X-Factor” for “in the X-files” the human embodiment of the word ‘smug’ Cardle further gifted the world by stating:

“It’s just not what they say it is. Other conspiracies might be true and the one I believe might also be bulls**t. But all I do know is what they’re saying is bulls**t.

“From the things I’ve seen… I don’t care what anyone says. To not question it is silly, I think.”

The alleged singer-songwriter, unaware of the fact that he had just broken all the rules not only of grammar but of logic and of the English language in general, seemed blissfully unaware that hundreds of still-mourning families may not welcome his admittedly insightful “bulls**t” hypothesis.

Reports that his silly bloody hats are lined with tin-foil are unconfirmed at time of publication.

Paul McCartney has often fanned the flames of hatred in the Middle East – after all, what is Silly Love Songs if not a vitriolic tirade against Islam?

And because of this, Paul McCartney’s concert tonight in Israel is shrouded with danger. Islamic extremists are apparently so determined to kill Paul McCartney tonight that nobody is taking any chances – which is why 5,000 bodyguards have been hired to surround Paul McCartney at all times during his visit. That’s even more that George Bush needed.

The message of this is clear – although he takes the death threats incredibly seriously, Paul McCartney will not deprive the Israeli people of his music. The other message, of course, is that Paul McCartney’s got so many bouncers around him at the moment that there won’t be anyone working the door of your local nightclub tonight, so you could probably get away with jeans and trainers if you wanted.

Paul McCartney has played some important concerts in his life – Shea Stadium, The Super Bowl, Red Square – but none have been quite as important as tonight’s concert in Tel Aviv. That’s because religious extremists didn’t decide to promote any of the other concerts by promising that Paul McCartney would get blown up by the middle of the second half.

Islamic fanatics have threatened to kill Paul McCartney if his concert tonight in Israel goes ahead. You see, to them Paul McCartney is the ultimate icon of western opulence and his death would be as heavily symbolic to the world as the events of 911. Also, they’re totally pissed off that Paul McCartney never responded to their letter asking if they could use Wonderful Christmastime as their theme tune.

But Paul McCartney has refused to cancel tonight’s concert, believing that not singing C Moon to a load of middle-aged Jewish people would literally be as bad as dying anyway. So McCartney’s decided to do the next best thing instead – he’s hired 5,000 bodyguards. The Mirror reports:

The vast security for Sir Paul McCartney’s Tel Aviv concert tonight even dwarfs the protection given to President Bush when he visited Israel. A 5,000-strong security team will ensure Macca, 66, is watched around the clock in the wake of death threats from Islamic fanatics. A massive security army guarding Macca includes 20 agents from Israel’s elite Mossad intelligence organisation as well as officers from Britain’s MI6.

He’s just playing it safe, of course – Paul McCartney doesn’t need all that security. He has his own ways of stopping the terrorists, like launching into a 20-minute version of Hey Jude so utterly tedious that it’ll knock any religious extremist into a deep slumber for up to a week. He could achieve a similar effect by playing any song from his last three albums, but the risk is just too high – these fanatics aren’t people you’d want to anger, remember.

And anyway, we’re only assuming that Paul McCartney will be playing the concert tonight. For all we know he could be sending on a stand-in in his place. For all we know that could be your nan up on stage tonight. Don’t pretend you could tell the difference.