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television shows

Lily Allen TV Show Is Big Old Flop

by C J Davies

New BBC 3 show Lily Allen And Friends is in trouble. And not just due to the rubbish title – although surely a more accurate name would be Lily Allen And A Bunch Of Z-List Hangers-On Who’ll Vanish As Soon As Her Fame Begins To Dwindle, Therefore Leaving Her With Nothing Better To Do Than Record An Embarrassing Christmas 2009 Novelty Record With Her Father.

The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates.

Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn’t so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And – after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out – Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.

New BBC 3 show Lily Allen And Friends is in trouble. And not just due to the rubbish title - although surely a more accurate name would be Lily Allen And A Bunch Of Z-List Hangers-On Who'll Vanish As Soon As Her Fame Begins To Dwindle, Therefore Leaving Her With Nothing Better To Do Than Record An Embarrassing Christmas 2009 Novelty Record With Her Father. The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates. Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn't so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And - after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out - Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.
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VIDEO: Jane Fonda Says The C-Word On The Telly

by Stuart Heritage

Remember a few weeks ago when Diane Keaton said the f-word on live TV? Well screw that because Jane Fonda has just gone one better.

Cunt. Jane Fonda just said ‘cunt’ on live TV.

Jane Fonda, lord bless her, was on the Today show this morning talking about The Vagina Monologues. And instead of saying ‘fanny’ or ‘minge’ or ‘vagina’ or ‘tumpsy’, Jane Fonda went right out and said ‘cunt’. And nobody even noticed for a while.

Video? Of course we’ve got video.

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Denise Richards Reality TV Show A Horrifying, Um, Reality

by Stuart Heritage

Ever wondered what it’s like being Denise Richards?

No, us neither. Not at all. In fact, sometimes entire calendar months pass when we don’t even think of Denise Richards, let alone wonder what it’d be like to actually be her. We’ve got plenty of more important things to wonder about than that.

But tough shit, because Denise Richards has formally announced that she’s making a reality TV show about herself with the express intention of showing everyone what it’s like to be Denise Richards. The show won’t be broadcast until the summer, but we can already guess what it’s like to be Denise Richards – pretty much like being any other idiot, but with better tits.

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Kevin Federline Puts Reality Show On Hold, Humanity To Rejoice

by hecklerspray staff

So, we’re thinking we may have reached a point where we’re desensitised to the antics of crazy Britney Spears. In fact, we’re downright bored.

But you know who has been a shining beacon of stability throughout all of this? Britney’s ex-husband Kevin Federline, that’s who. In fact, he’s been so committed to parenting that he’s apparently postponed the reality show he was maybe going to do about his life as a single dad. We didn’t know he was planning a reality show to begin with, because we can’t afford to buy another TV after we put a fist through the last one when Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premiered.

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Tom Petty Plays The Super Bowl, Delights All Six Tom Petty Fans

by Stuart Heritage

The Super Bowl Halftime show is a chance for the biggest names in music to either perform a bulletproof collection of world-conquering hits or whap a big wobbly booby out and make everyone choke on their tea.

Which one happened at yesterday’s Super Bowl? Well, none. Tom Petty performed you see.

Tom Petty. You know. From Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Oh, come on, you know who Tom Petty is – he did that song that was on for about 20 seconds during that one episode of Scrubs once. At least we think that was Tom Petty.

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Montel Quits Show To Explode Teenagers Full-Time

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone with personal issues that can only be solved by a level-headed pop-psych Vulcan who looks uncannily like Ben Kingsley will be a little bit upset with this.

Montel Williams is quitting his talk show.

Montel has announced that The Montel Williams Show will come to an end this season, leaving the world’s troubled in the capable hands of Dr Phil. Well, capable insomuch that’s he’s basically just a big shouting bear with alopecia. But you get the idea.

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Crash Gets Turned Into Dull, Worthy Racism-Based TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

Guess what – the movie Crash is about to get turned into a TV series.

No, not Crash the David Cronenberg movie about James Spader having it off with people inside a smashed-up car – that would be too much like fun – we mean Crash the dreary Oscar-winning movie about racism and whatnot. That’s the Crash that’s being turned into a TV series.

We know. We can’t wait either.

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People Don’t Hate The Terminator TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a long time coming, but Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles finally kicks off in America this weekend.

Set between Terminator 2 and Terminator 3, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is the long-promised show that brings the Terminator story to a television audience, only without Arnold Schwarzenegger, the gigantic budget or the rubbishy Guns ‘N Roses soundtrack.

And, slightly miraculously, people don’t think seem to think that Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is crap.

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Britney Spears’ Family Narked Off With Dr Phil

by Stuart Heritage

Dr Phil never says so on his show, but the best way to solve a problem is to sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never existed.

Everyone knows that – it’s the reason why all the hecklerspray staff are such well-rounded, perfectly normal individuals. It’s also the reason why the family of Britney Spears have all got the hump with Dr Phil for speaking out publicly about Britney’s recent psychological snafu. Dr Phil, they say, have broken the Spears’ circle of trust.

And circles of trust are a lot like hymens – once broken they can only be repaired by complicated, expensive and largely unnecessary surgical procedures. We think.

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Dr Phil Ditches That Whole Britney Spears Episode Idea

by Stuart Heritage

This morning we woke up in an unusually delicious mood knowing that, by bedtime, Dr Phil would have single-handedly solved all of Britney Spears' crazy problems on his downhome self-help TV show. It was an exciting thought – that maybe by the time we tucked ourselves up in our one big communal hecklerspray bed (head-to-toe, [...]

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