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television shows

Pamela Anderson Gets Very Own Generic Reality Show

by Stuart Heritage

Pamela Anderson life is so crazy that it should be a sitcom – a really quite poor sitcom about a woman with underdeveloped emotional maturity and quite a lot of hepatitis.

However Pamela Anderson is too classy to turn her life into a sitcom. So that’s why she’s decided to turn it into a reality show for E! instead.

But don’t expect Pamela to be a tawdry tell-all delve into Pamela Anderson’s personal life – it’s apparently going to be a docu-style series that won’t feature either of Pamela Anderson’s children. It probably won’t feature any of her love interests either, because the near-constant meet/marry/pregnancy scare/divorce cycle Pamela Anderson pounds through on an almost monthly basis will just leave viewers disorientated and confused.

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VIDEO: New Kids On The Block On Today, Together & Zimmer-Free

by Stuart Heritage

You’ve been waiting for this day for years – well, probably more ‘dreading’ than ‘waiting’ but let’s not split hairs – New Kids On The Block are officially back!

Not too long ago the reformed New Kids On The Block made their first public appearance on the Today show. And the shock of realising that they all still have fully-working sets of eyes and limbs, we heard New Kids On The Block tell the world that “Music brought us back.”

We presume that’d be Music O’Kneesmash. the famed Boston debt collection agent, then. Anyway, video of the New Kids On The Block Today appearance after the jump.

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Heston Blumenthal To Bugger About With Little Chef

by Stuart Heritage

Hey you! Ever dreamt of a day when a tedious road journey could be broken up with a delicious steaming plate of Ballotine of Anjou Pigeon?

Of course you have, we all have. And soon maybe we will. Channel 4 has poached crazy food scientist Heston Blumenthal away from BBC2 and given him his own show. Heston’s first task? Turning around the fortunes of Little Chef.

It goes without saying that Heston Blumenthal has his work cut out, though – how is the revolutionary, three Michelin starred proprietor of one of the world’s best restaurants going to be able to improve on an Olympic Breakfast, for christ’s sake? It’s an impossible task!

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George Lucas On His Plans To Wring Even More Cash Out Of You

by Stuart Heritage

People love Star Wars and Indiana Jones so much that George Lucas never has to have another original thought for the rest of his life.

And it’s an offer he’s been keen to exploit. This year George Lucas has a new Indiana Jones movie coming out and a new Star Wars movie coming out, plus he’s got a 100-episode Star Wars TV show in the pipeline. And the time has come for George Lucas to spout off about all of this at once.

In a nutshell, then – George Lucas expects everyone to hate Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, doesn’t really seem too fussed with the new Star Wars movie and has compared the TV show to The Wire. Yay! Possibly.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Mother Gets Horrifying Reality TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever got the feeling that Dina Lohan’s sole aim in life was to live vicariously through Lindsay Lohan’s fame and notoriety, then think again.

Because now Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. Not a film star or a music star like Lindsay Lohan is, though, it’s even better than that – Dina Lohan is going to be become a reality TV star.

E! has finally announced the production of Dina Lohan reality TV show Living Lohan. It’s a wake-up call for all parents really – if you constantly push your young children into a life of showbiz until they eventually crack and become drug-addled, rehab-addicted global jokes, then maybe you can be like Dina Lohan and get a shitty reality TV show that hardly anyone’s going to watch anyway too. Live the dream, parents!

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American Idol Stripper Allowed To Rock Out With His Cock Out

by Stuart Heritage

On the surface there might not seem to be a lot of difference between appearing on American Idol and waggling your naked penis in a homosexual’s face for cash.

But that’s where you’re wrong, because… oh, actually, no. There really isn’t a lot of difference between going on American Idol and the naked penis thing.

In fact, they’re so similar that American Idol’s head honcho has decided to allow David Hernandez – the American Idol contestant with a murky male stripper past – to stay on the show even though it’s patently, patently wrong to do so. Surely American Idol contestants should start the slow depraved slide into humiliating public nudity after they’ve left the show, not before. Cosmic order like this should not be trifled with.

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Family Guy’s Cleveland Gets Own Show

by Shawn Lindseth

When Joanie loved Chachi it lasted exactly 17 episodes. When Frasier loved Niles it lasted even longer-ish.

When Skeletor remembered he had a mentor that had long ago been locked on another planet with He-Man’s sister, it was like a steel-toed boot to the nethers. But that’s just the risk of a spin off, now isn’t it? You think you’ve got a great product, but then Hordak shows up and kicks you in the jellies.

Unless the spin-off of which you speak belongs to Cleveland Brown of Family Guy fame. He, apparently, is on the threshold of carrying his own show.

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MTV To Cure Paris Hilton’s Friendless State

by Shawn Lindseth

Normally when Paris Hilton needs a new friend, she goes to a puppy mill and buys one that she can stuff in her hand bag.

Since the world-wide puppy shortage, however, that has become impossible. She’s tried filling that void with other animals, we heard, but the goldfish died in her mascara case and her squirrel kept trying to store nuts deep inside her. Picture yourself at a million-dollar luncheon, and acorns keep dropping out of your pant-suit. Untolerable.
Paris Hilton has given up her solo friend-search now, and is letting MTV find the yin to her yang, the Japan to her Germany, and the mindless cult to her Charles Manson. Via reality TV.

And if you don’t feel enticed enough to apply yet, keep in mind we’re pretty sure one of her eyes is a Johnny Depp piece of eight. Certainly that is worth your consideration.

Normally when Paris Hilton needs a new friend, she goes to a puppy mill and buys one that she can stuff in her hand bag. Since the world-wide puppy shortage, however, that has become impossible. She's tried filling that void with other animals, we heard, but the goldfish died in her mascara case and her squirrel kept trying to store nuts deep inside her. Picture yourself at a million-dollar luncheon, and acorns keep dropping out of your pant-suit. Untolerable. Paris Hilton has given up her solo friend-search now, and is letting MTV find the yin to her yang, the Japan to her Germany, and the mindless cult to her Charles Manson. Via reality TV. And if you don't feel enticed enough to apply yet, keep in mind we're pretty sure one of her eyes is a Johnny Depp piece of eight. Certainly that is worth your consideration.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter Wrestles His TV Show Back

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone deserves a second chance, even freakish-looking giants the colour of burning magma who are just a teensy bit racist.

And that’s why A&E has decided to start remaking new episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter, months after the show was pulled off air when Dog The Bounty Hunter started chucking the n-word around in a phone conversation like Christ knows what.

Nobody is exactly sure what convinced A&E to start bringing Dog The Bounty Hunter back, but one possible clue lies in the locked cupboard full of screaming naked A&E executives who couldn’t stop scratching at their burning eyes that was discovered last week. The fact that ‘Give me my show back, bra’ was also written on the cupboard wall in blood may be another indication.

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Jane Fonda A Bit Sorry For Swearing Like A Docker On TV

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a day now since Jane Fonda blurted out the C-word on live morning television and, astonishingly, the sky hasn’t fallen yet.

But still, Jane Fonda is mortified that she said ‘cunt’ live on the Today show, and she’s done nothing but sincerely apologise with all her heart for corrupting a planet’s moral sensibilities ever since.

OK, that’s not strictly true. Jane Fonda hasn’t apologised at all for saying ‘cunt’ on TV. But she has got her rep to apologise. Well, sort of apologise – the jist of the apology is that everyone should should shut up because Jane Fonda didn’t invent the word ‘cunt’ – but, until someone builds some sort of cunt rehab for Jane Fonda to attend, that’s probably as good as we’ll get.

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