Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.

And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.

Wait what?

We’ll have her know our collective grandmothers are entirely as c**ty as they want to be, thank you very much. Moreover, being a pauper’s the best thing since sliced bread because you have an excuse for living in your pyjama bottoms and existing on a diet of pizza and fizzy pop. It’s like, economics or something. We’re pretty sure that thing in that book about economics mentions pizza and Jeremy Kyle. Yeah, it’s on that page where Mof doodled in the margin.

Back to the point, Gwyneth gave an interview with the U.S.’s Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler and spoke about what an annoying bunch of a**holes her extended family were. Or something. Or she could have just been trying to one-up also-German Chelsea with her name-calling.

Appearing on “Chelsea Lately” Monday night, Paltrow spoke about the tough time she had relating to her mutti. Both Handler and Paltrow reminisced about their German grandmoms, and when Handler called hers a “b**ch,” Paltrow one-upped her. “My grandmother was a real c**t,” Paltrow laughed. “She basically hated my guts. She tried to poison my mother against me, but it didn’t work because I have a great mother. She was just tough, just tough. You look back and you think she must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was mean as hell.”

As a side note, screaming ‘Take backsies!’ and running like the wind is a totally valid substitute for divorce. Right? If not, um, if any one calls the hecklerspray hovel, we’re in the loo. Together. Where it’s safe.There are about a dozen jilted wives and husbands out there somewhere and we’ll be damned if they’re getting half the beer, the hovel, and the commenters in the divorces.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse and she’s the biggest c*nt going.

If you’re a fan of smug, unfunny comedy but you go to bed quite early, Jay Leno’s new 10pm NBC show must feel like a godsend.

A whole hour of Jay Leno telling reheated 12-year-old Bill Clinton jokes at a time that even allows the elderly to be somewhat nonplussed by it? Brilliant! But what’s the show going to be like?

Well, according to Jay Leno himself, it’ll be just like his old show but with more ‘stunts’. And stunt number one? Seeing how quickly he can send Conan O’Brien into the depths of gibbering impotent psychosis. We imagine.

Depending on who you ask, NBC’s decision to give Jay Leno a new show at 10pm every weekday is either genius or utter madness. The naysayers are claiming that NBC broadcasting three near-solid hours of talkshow each night is too much, that it shows the network is turning its back on quality primetime television and that if Jay Leno wasn’t even funny at midnight when most Americans are drifting of into a pharmaceutically-assisted sleep, then he’ll be even less funny at 10, when most Americans are getting drunk and beating their wives.

But these people are wrong. The new Jay Leno show is going to be a success. A horrible, horrible success. Even if it fails it’ll still be a success. Compared to a big drama series like, say, Law And Order, an hour of Jay Leno babbling about cars and holding up pictures of unfunny news stories will be so cheap that it’ll still be more profitable even if nobody watches it.

What’s more, with its winning talkshow line-up of Leno, Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon, NBC will be able to offer its viewers three different takes on the day’s news – the gentle mainstream one from Jay, the smarter, more sophisticated one from Conan and one jittery, pretend-nervous one that isn’t remotely funny and gets delivered by a person that most people would like to punch in the mouth.

But, aside from being cheap – and the source of Conan O’Brien’s lingering resentment for many years to come – what’s the new Jay Leno show even going to be like? Luckily Jay Leno himself has been on hand to tell TV Week:

“‘The Tonight Show’ belongs to Conan O’Brien now. So the desk, the format … it will be a little bit different. It’s really based on what do people like and not like. I’ve been keeping notes for 17 years. I’m not going to suddenly start doing modern interpretive dance. I like to stand up and tell jokes.”

You hear that? Jay Leno’s new show will be completely different to The Tonight Show – yes, there’ll be a monologue and some celebrity guests and stunts and topical jokes and whatnot, but it’ll be called The Tonite Show instead of The Tonight Show which, as any fool can see, is completely different.

But still, are we the only ones who see a flaw in this plan? Jay Leno says the show is going to be ‘based on what do people like and not like’ – but, since it’s a show that’s got Jay Leno in it, our guess is that it’s going to veer more heavily to the ‘not like’ side.

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In May, Jay Leno was due to retire from TV and spend his days droning witlessly about cars and getting chin massages.

But that was never actually going to be the case. There’s such a dearth of middle-aged male millionaires who aren’t as funny as they think they are on TV right now that Jay Leno was never going to stay retired for long.

And now we know what Jay Leno’s next show will be – it’s his old show, basically – on the same network, in the same studio and broadcast 90 minutes earlier so even more people can get contaminated by watch it.

It’s fair to say that there are two types of people in the world – the type that finds Jay Leno funny and the type that’s medically allowed to operate heavy machinery.

However, you can’t deny Jay Leno’s popularity – whether it’s because he’s been the voice that lulls America to sleep with slightly rubbish jokes and interviews so bland that they may as well be conducted by a knitted frog in a hat for 15 years, or whether it’s because people love watching middle-aged men make blusteringly inappropriate gay jokes to minor actors, Jay Leno is inexplicably beloved by millions of weirdos.

And that causes a problem for NBC. Years ago Jay Leno decided that he was going to retire from The Tonight Show in 2009, so NBC quickly moved in and made sure that they signed up Conan O’Brien to take his place. But then as 2009 got closer, Jay Leno got ants in his pants and decided that maybe he wanted to stay, but he couldn’t stay, and all the other TV networks were like “Hey, come join us!” and Jay Leno started spinning around in a daze and took out six storefront windows with his giant chin because he was so disorientated. Figuratively.

But now the problem has finally been solved. Jay Leno has announced his new show, and it’ll come as good news to anyone who liked his old show. Because, well, it is his old show. But here’s the thing – it’s going to be broadcast at 10pm instead of 11:35pm. The New York Times reports:

The new show, which will begin next fall, is expected to be set in Mr. Leno’s longtime studio in Burbank, Calif. Mr. Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his “Tonight Show,” including his monologue and bits like “Headlines” and “Jay Walking.” One “Tonight Show” staff member said the new program would not be a variety show.

Theoretically this could be a winner for NBC. Jay Leno is a much-loved performer who’ll be exposed to an earlier timeslot – and therefore a much bigger audience – with his new show. This could mean he’d get the jump on all the big-name guests, leaving the late-night talkshows to blunder through interviews with reality TV stars and authors of books about amusing rock formations.

There are downsides to this gamble too, though – by putting his show on at 10pm five times a week, Jay Leno’s competition stops being David Letterman and starts being CSI and Without A Trace and other wildly popular police dramas that he’ll have trouble keeping up with.

Plus, putting Jay Leno on at 10pm means that NBC is giving over three hours of every day to three different versions of the exact same formula. Not only is 15 hours a week of chat massive overkill, but it’s going to make people resent poor Jimmy Fallon more than they already do, if that’s even possible.

Finally, though – and this is the biggest downside of all – how long will it be before America discovers that it only found Jay Leno funny when it was drowsy and on the verge of sleep? We’re going to hazard a guess here – it’ll be about 12 seconds.

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When hecklerspray was just 42 years old the song Electric Youth descended upon us from a gas station sound-system.

It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see,  about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.

But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.

Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.

Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.

Miley Cyrus is totally into older men, which is nice because older men are totally into her too. It’s convenient when things work out like that. The older guy we’re talking about this time isn’t her underpants-loving boyfriend – its Stephen Baldwin. The only evidence we have of this is in the form of a Hannah Montana tattoo the actor recently got because Cyrus herself apparently dared him to.

Now, to make the dare-pact complete, Miley’s gotta get baptised by a hardcore southern baptist, possibly dance with poisonous snakes, and talk way too much about how good Stevie was in The Usual Suspects.

Again, our evidence for all this is pretty weak. Here is every piece of info the Huffington Post has on the slightly-obsessed tattoo thing:

“Stephen Baldwin has branded himself with Hannah Montana’s initials, all because Miley Cyrus dared him to…the 15-year-old dared Baldwin to get Hannah Montana’s initials [tattooed] and in return she would let him appear on her Disney TV show since his daughters are huge fans of the series.”

The whole tatt-thing might sound stupid to some, but remember this – it’s for love. Miley Cyrus may be young, but In some North American countries 15 is the age of consent, and should the two decide to move there they could live out her 15-year-old legally adult life together. This is convenient for both of them because as we hear it her body is already ripe with women-fruit. Its literally swimming with babies that are just aching to get out right now.

We can’t divulge our source on this babies-part yet because he’s fictional and we haven’t made up a name for him yet. Claude sounds good though. Our source’s name is Claude, and he swears to us that Miley Cyrus currently has so many microscopic babies in her body that they keep bumping into each other.

Claude also tells us he once saw a bare-handed Madonna rip the beating heart out of a zoo-gorilla.

More on that story tomorrow.

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Smallville undoubtedly rules the roost when it comes to confusing, myth-raping young superhero TV shows that you barely even remember exist – but not for long.

No, because the producers of Smallville have struck upon another idea for a confusing, myth-raping TV show about a young superhero. Robin. Yes, Robin from Batman and Robin. But set before he met Batman. So basically a TV show about an annoyingly earnest little boy without any superpowers, then.

Still, that’s not going to stop the show from being made. It’s even got a name already – The Graysons. So, to correct our earlier mistake, this Robin programme will be a TV show about an annoyingly earnest little boy without any superpowers that sounds like it’s a bad 1970s sitcom. Can’t wait.

The Dark Knight has been such a barnstorming success that it’s already started a wave of frenzied speculation about who’ll appear in Batman 3. Some people want Johnny Depp as The Riddler, some people want Cher as Catwoman – but nobody, nobody at all, has even entertained the idea, even for a second, that Robin will be in Batman 3.

And it’s sort of easy to see why. As Batman’s overenthusiastic glass-half-full little helper, Robin is essentially Batman’s Scrappy Doo, except he does gymnastics, is considerably gayer and would be marginally more difficult to drown in a binbag. Robin is rubbish. Robin is so rubbish that the last lot of Batman movies went toxic the second that Robin was even mentioned.

However, Smallville is coming to an end soon – which is good, because it was starting to run the risk of being an allegory for puberty about a 40-year-old man who still lives with his parents – and CW needs something to replace it with. And people liked Smallville, right? And Batman. People like Batman. And Robin’s part of the Batman mythology, isn’t he? So why not make a Smallville-style TV show about the early years of Robin?

Why not? Because it sounds crap, that’s why not. But a little thing like common sense isn’t going to stop a gold-plated idea like this, as MSNBC reports:

The producers of CW’s “Smallville,” along with “Supernatural” exec producer McG, have a pilot in the works based on the Batman’s sidekick Robin, called “The Graysons,” Variety reports. “The Graysons” will reportedly chronicle the life of a young Dick “DJ” Grayson before he suited up to fight crime with the Dark Knight as Robin.

Do you see what they’ve done there? They’ve decided to call Robin DJ, because naming him after a cool job will easily make up for the fact that he’s a rubbish underdeveloped moon-faced infant gymnast who may as well be played by the little girl from the Narnia movies in a TV show set long before he developed a secret identity and became even halfway interesting.

But maybe The Graysons won’t be as bad as we’re making out. Maybe The Graysons will be just what television audiences need – a Littlest Hobo-style TV show about a family of nomadic gymnasts who travel from town to town, always managing to defeat local criminals by utilising their gymnastic skills.

It’s an excellent idea, and we can’t wait for episode one, where Robin goes after a gang of handbag-snatching hoodlums armed with only his eternally sunny mindset and a long satin ribbon attached to an industry regulation glassfibre rhythmic gymnastic stick.

Remember a while ago when Paris Hilton decided to become a singer and released that album and it sold 500 million copies and made Paris Hilton a megastar?

Yeah, us too. That was great. We especially liked it when the government of Uganda became so obsessed with the Paris Hilton album that it scrapped its own national anthem in favour of Stars Are Blind, Nothing In This World and Screwed played all the way through six times each.

Oh, wait, no, none of that happened, did it? That’s because the Paris Hilton album was an abject failure that turned Paris into an international laughing stock. Still, at least Paris Hilton managed to scrape together her remaining credibility afterwards, never to return to that debac… what? Paris Hilton is releasing another song? And she’s named it after her new TV show? Oh. Good.

It’s easy to forget what an extraordinary businesswoman Paris Hilton really is. Look at her accomplishments – the way that Paris Hilton managed to get born into a family where her father’s a millionaire real estate developer, her grandfather’s the billionaire co-chairman of an international hotel chain and her great-grandfather was one of the world’s richest men is a shining example to today’s young up-and-comers.

And Paris Hilton’s head for business can be seen in all of her work. Who else but Paris Hilton could build up a product portfolio ingenious enough to include crap fizzy wine sold in cans, a chain of nightclubs built in association with someone who really doesn’t like her and some straggly bits of hair?

Now it’s time for Paris Hilton to put the next piece of her business masterplan into action. Paris Hilton’s new TV show is called My New BFF. Now, while we were under the impression that BFF was an onomatopoeic word to describe the noise Paris Hilton’s clodge makes every time she squeezes out a queef, apparently it stands for Best Friend Forever.

But because just about every two-bit microcelebrity around has their own elimination-based reality TV popularity contest these days, Paris Hilton has a USP for her BFF – she’s releasing a song about the show to coincide with the first episode. Reuters reports:

The show — a search for a new “best friend forever” who is hot, loyal and has the energy to keep up with Hilton’s hectic lifestyle — inspired the techno song Hilton said she co-wrote with her boyfriend Benji Madden. “Could you be the one I want? Could you be the one I need?” the socialite croons. “All of my life, don’t you know I’ve been waiting … for my best friend.” The tune will become the show’s theme song.

Look, we know what you’re thinking. You can remember the last time that Paris Hilton tried her hand at music. She sang a song that sounded a bit like UB40, she released an album that nobody bought and then she edged away quietly because even she realised how utterly without merit she was at everything.

But Paris Hilton only failed as a pop star before because she’d missed out one important fact – none of her songs were about stuff she’d done. My BFF will succeed because everyone will see Paris Hilton on TV and make the cognitive connection between visual and song. It’ll be a hit.

It’s a brilliant manoeuvre and, best of all, it’s not too late for Paris Hilton to start retroactively recording songs about stuff she’s already done. That works out for us too, because we just happen to have demos for two songs called Boo Hoo I Got Drunk And Now I’m In Jail and What? Put Your Cock In My Mouth? Yummy!

Call our people, Paris. We can make this happen.

The Super Bowl halftime show is always a big draw, not least because there’s a fleeting chance you’ll see partial boob.

And next year’s Super Bowl will be even more special than most, because if you see anyone’s accidentally-exposed barely-covered breast at all, it’ll be Bruce Springsteen‘s. Bruce Springsteen is playing the Super Bowl! Finally! Some good old-fashioned, all-American heartfelt stadium rock is coming to the Super Bowl at last!

At least that’s what the Super Bowl organisers must be hoping. There’s still every chance that Bruce Springsteen will want to play some of his newer songs at the Super Bowl, in which case 148 million Americans are in for six minutes of an old man mumbling about putting his penis up an old prostitute’s bum. Either way – woo.

Playing the Super Bowl halftime show is the most impressive way to let the world that you’ve made it. Actually, that’s a lie. Playing the Super Bowl halftime show is the most impressive way to tell the world that you made it a couple of decades ago, then took a few unfortunate career choices and lost your appeal but have since decided to put out a Greatest Hits album reminding people of your glory days.

Which, we think, sums Bruce Spingsteen up perfectly. It must do, because he’s playing next year’s Super Bowl halftime show, as E! Online reports:

New Jersey is going to the Super Bowl. The Garden State’s own Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band has been announced as the entertainment during the Super Bowl XLIII Halftime at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. The big game will air Feb. 1 on NBC.

Bruce Springsteen playing the Super Bowl is bound to be an improvement on some of the more recent halftime acts, like the perfunctory set that Tom Petty spunked out this year, or the Tim Burton stop-motion animation that passes for a Rolling Stones live appearance these days.

That’s so long as Bruce Springsteen sticks to the plan and plays Born To Run, Born In The USA, Dancing In The Dark and nothing else. He might not, though – give him a chance and Bruce Springsteen might do the one about taking a whore up the arse and the one about how AIDS makes him sad and the second half of the match will be played out in silent introverted despondency. Which actually, we’re secretly hoping he does.

Still, Bruce Springsteen isn’t an idiot – he knows what a Super Bowl halftime show requires. A couple of the hits, a bit of a punchy song and dance and then go off and get upstaged by Kevin Federline. Any idiot could do it.

OK, any idiot except for Janet Jackson…

It’s natural for rappers to want to diversify – Jay-Z has his sports bar, 50 Cent has his terrible films and Kanye West, well, Kanye West has puppets.

According to reports, Kanye West is developing a sort of ‘hip-hop Muppet Show‘ with Comedy Central and the makers of Crank Yankers. Kanye West hosted the pilot of the show, which could possibly be broadcast next year, plus he’ll do the music and executive produce.

It’s not know what specific tasks Kanye West will adopt as executive producer of this puppet show, but on a hunch we’d guess they involve standing in offices screaming “Make it more about me! More about me!” and then, when his changes have been implemented, standing in the same office screaming “Why’s it all about me? How DARE you insult me like this?” and then smashing up a camera under his foot.

Kanye West’s raging egotism is sort of endearing at times, isn’t it? It just infuriates him so much when people don’t see that he’s as much of a genius as he says he is. We’ve seen it flare up time and time again – at awards shows when he doesn’t win, at festivals when people get angry at him being eight hours late, at airports when people sort of look at him funny. The list goes on.

But the flipside to Kanye West’s egotism is that he always wants everyone to know everything about him. That’s why Kanye’s lyrics tend to be more introspective than the normal hip-hop fare, because he honestly seems to believe that every one of his tiny ambient thoughts that pass through his mind are of earth-shattering importance, when really we’re just lucky if any of them actually rhyme.

It’s also why Kanye West is itching to get into television. Not so long ago there was talk of Kanye West making a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style sitcom about how hilarious it is to be a millionaire megastar, but without any of CYE‘s cynicism or storytelling or jokes. But sadly that idea died pretty sharpish, so Kanye West has moved on to Plan B. Puppets. The Hollywood Reporter reports:

Comedy Central has teamed with Kanye West for a project described as hip-hop meets the Muppets. A half-hour pilot has been shot for the project, tentatively titled “Alligator Boots.” It’s from Jackhole Prods., the production company founded by Jimmy Kimmel, Daniel Kellison and Adam Carolla that also was behind Comedy Central’s puppet-centric “Crank Yankers.”

Actually, for the most part we can see a glimmer of potential in this one. Ever since The Chappelle Show finished, there’s been a need for a show that combines hip-hop and comedy. And, judging by his videos, Kanye West seems to have a strong visual flair as well. So it’ll look good and have nice music. It’ll be as funny as fishing used tampons out of a river of shit with your mouth, but at least it’ll look good and have nice music.

However, we are still somewhat troubled by this whole ‘hip-hop meets the Muppets’ notion? Doesn’t Kanye West remember the puppet gang wars of the 1990s? We lost a lot of good men back then. Did Aloysius Snuffleupagus get a testicle blown off in a drive-by for nothing? Did he?

The world is split into three: one group hates Denise Richards, one group likes Denise Richards and the other group doesn’t care if Denise Richards lives or dies.

Sadly, none of these groups watch Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. The group that likes her won’t watch it because they don’t like how she’s portrayed in it, the group that hates her won’t watch it because they hate her and the group that doesn’t care won’t watch it because ultimately they’re quite sensible. And that’s why Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is getting cancelled.

Personally we blame the title. Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is both vague and untrue. Denise Richards Exceeds The Most Negative Aspects Of Her Reputation While Simultaneously Doing Her Best To Prove The Opposite would have got the viewers flooding in. But, no, nobody ever listens to us.

If someone told you to go and make a TV show about Denise Richards’ life, there’s an overwhelming chance that you’d have picked one of the following options:

1) Woo Hoo! It’s The Denise Richards Bikini Trampoline Hour!

2) Laptop/Old Lady Discus Eventing With Denise Richards.

3) Denise Richards Apologises For That James Bond Film Directly Into Camera For Up To Six Hours At A Time.

What you wouldn’t make is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, a reality TV platform for Denise Richards to endlessly bleat about how the media twists everything she says and occasionally sit down with her nephew and have awkward conversations about whether or not he’s ever cracked one off to her threesome scene from Wild Things.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated came whirling in on a cloud of mad eyed spite-hype and promised to rip the lid of the pointlessly bitter feud that’s raging on between Denise Richards and her ex-husband Charlie Sheen, only for E! viewers to realise that even they didn’t care about Denise Richards to sit through hour after hour of utter tedium to get there.

So Denise Richards: It’s Complicated has been cancelled. Probably. Here’s OK! magazine with more:

“The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode,” a source told The Insider yesterday. “But the audience has dropped off… Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language,” the source adds.

That this news comes at the exact same time that Charlie Sheen has impregnated his new wife and got a massive payrise must be a kick in the teeth for Denise Richards. All she wanted to do was raise her children in the uncomfortable spotlight of the media and now even that unalienable right has been taken away from her.

Who knows what Denise Richards will do next (porn)? She’s a working mother with bills to pay (do porn please) and with her acting career drying up there can’t be many more avenues for her to explore (porn, do porn, for the love of all that’s holy Denise Richards do porn porn porn porn porn).

Anyway, we can survive the loss of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated so long as nobody buggers around with Living Lohan. We don’t know what we’d do if both our favourite reality TV shows about a famous woman with questionable parenting skills that we’ve never watched more than 15 seconds of were cancelled, you see.

Why can’t Britney Spears just decide whether or not she’s actually getting better?

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star‘s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

Today hecklerspray woke up and said to itself: “Self, find a way to return blood-flow to your arm or you’ll lose it forever.” But we were feeling too lazy, so now only type at half speed.

You know the feeling – surely you do. We’re having one of those days where the only food we eat are the fish crackers we accidentally spilled under our pillow the night before. We’re only moving to avoid bed-sores, and the various shoes our step-dad keeps throwing at us for the sake of motivation. Seriously, when is he gonna realize that we’re 38, and we’ll get up when we want to?

As such, we tried to think of different ways we could post something without taking the 4 – 5 hours a typical solitary hecklerspray article usually consumes.

And then it hit us: It’s common knowledge by now that ol’ Stu Heritage is off for a month or something writing up funny bits for real a tv show. Up until five minutes ago we’d been under the impression it was Dr. Who.

Well it’s not and it never has been. It’s called Tonightly – and we have a clip for you by way of a fancy video.

So if you need a Heritage fix, have at it. We can’t say for sure that he wrote this exact piece, but we can say he was in the room when it was filmed. That counts for something, right?

As Gene Simmons’ old band Kiss once sang “I wanna rock and roll all night/ and judge creatively suspect reality TV shows every day!”

Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that’s now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn’t a joke – this show really is going to exist quite soon.

OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show’s called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What’s That In The Toilet? Oh, It’s Gene Simmons’ Career.

As we all know, Gene Simmons is a business mastermind. He can slap the Kiss logo on anything he wants and he’ll make a buck out of it. He can spot world-changing music talents like Lil’ Chris a bloody mile off and he’s so sexy that women want to sleep with him even when he’s all gross and inert and on film and stuff.

And now that Kiss have properly broken up forever, Gene Simmons can go back to his first love – shamelessly narcissistic self-promotion. And what better way to do that than by judging a reality TV show based on the creative process of writing advertising jingles? Huh?

Oh wait. Every single way you could possibly ever think of in a million lifetimes is better than that. Never mind, Gene Simmons has already signed up for the bastard, so there’s not a lot he can do about it. Reuters reports:

CBS has tapped Simmons to judge the reality show “Jingles,” the latest TV series from Mark Burnett. The show, slated to premiere later this year, will feature contestants writing and performing jingles for a variety of subjects, ranging from food products to sports teams.

Read that again. Read it slowly. There’s going to be a reality TV show about jingle-writing, and Gene Simmons is going to judge it. A reality TV show about jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Genegles. We think we’ve just had a stroke.

We genuinely can’t imagine how terrible Jingles is going to be. There’ll be five minutes at the start where someone will say to the contestants “Write me a jingle about biscuits,” then 45 minutes of the contestants looking into the distance with a notepad on their knee, then five minutes of the contestants hitting the ‘Samba’ button on their Casio keyboard and singing “Biscuits biscuits yum yum yum/ I can stick them up my bum,” and another five minutes of Gene Simmons telling them it’s rubbish. End of show.

We’re starting to get the impression that Mark Burnett picks his reality TV show subjects by jabbing a pin into a copy of the Yellow Pages, you know. That theory will no doubt be proved next year when he premieres his new show about carpet and rug manufacturing. Judged by the bassist out of Def Leppard.

Several years ago hecklerspray was gifted a beautiful video camera from a nice Japanese tourist that was afraid to chase us into a hazardous construction zone.

It was a nice camera too. It had an on and off button, a lens cap attached by a string, and as of 15 minutes after we got it – cement dried and smeared down the side. That was from the construction zone.

Our first project with the new toy was to film a typical day in the life of our grandmother. She cooked eggs, sewed a blanket, bathed with a wash cloth using stagnant water from the kitchen sink, and choked a neighbour with a hammock while accusing them of newspaper-theft.

She took to that camera pretty well. Nanners was photogenic too – and she more than convinced us the media had her all wrong. Yup – she’s a real Denise Richards. Don’t tell Richards’ neighbours that, though. If they find out there’s another one their heads might explode.

They’re quite sick of her you know.

Denise Richards couldn’t be more unwelcome in her own home if she was living in a gated community stuffed full of Charlie Sheens. It’s all those reality TV people filming her all the time. There are literally thousands of them – and all willing to stand on the neighbour’s children if it means filming from a more aesthetic angle. This is particularly bad as reality TV crews are renowned for always wearing big, heavy boots.

To put it bluntly, an angry neighbor of Richards has recently said:

“This is a gated community, not a zoo.”

Not a zoo? Explain then why there are signs posted all over Richards’ yard warning not to feed her popcorn, cotton candy or chewing gum.

Sounds like a zoo to us.

Be warned though, neighbours – don’t confront this woman. If you do you’re likely to get physically hit with an entire computer while Pamela Anderson looks on, embroiled in a nasty, nasty child-filled divorce, and possibly get called a word that rhymes with chigger by an ex-husband even though you’re neither black nor participating in a Dave Chappelle comedy skit.

The neighbours are also apparently upset by the quantity of dogs Richards keeps on site. As Star puts it:

“The former Playmate has also run afoul of the L.A. County Department of Animal Care & Control after featuring her 14 dogs on It’s Complicated. Another insider says that she received a letter warning her that if she’s living with more than three dogs, she has to obtain a kennel license.”

Sounds like your neighbours don’t mind if you’re training for the iditarod, Richards, so long as you do so within the parameters of what the local code allows.

Let’s just keep that in mind.

Ashley Dupré doesn’t just get to have tawdry, regret-filled sex with every ugly old man that offers her cash any more, as if that wasn’t enough.

No, now Ashley Dupré gets to be on TV because of it as well, the lucky cow. Although up until now she was most famous for being the high-end prostitute who had sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer until he had to resign because of it, Ashley Dupré is apparently in talks to star in her own reality TV show.

Honestly, she is. As yet nobody seems to know if Ashley Dupré will star in a Simple Life-style fly-on-the-wall reality TV show or a Tila Tequila-style dating show, but at the moment the latter seems to be out in front. Quite right too, because that’s the only way that they’ll ever get to use the title Ashley Dupré: Who Wants Me To Kiss Them With The Same Mouth I Recently Had Wrapped Around A Bald Old Man’s Penis For Cash?

Kids, if you’re reading this then there’s something you should know. You’ll never accomplish anything by working hard. Maybe you’ll wind up with an anonymous middle-management job in a generic strip-lit office, but you’ll never really accomplish anything. For that you’d probably be better off becoming a whore.

That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and things are working out just dandy for her. Because, thanks to her gainful employment spent charging thousands of dollars for a series of businesslike, slightly depressing bunk-ups, Ashley Dupré is a megastar.

After news of the Spitzer scandal broke and she was outed as a hooker, Ashley Dupré has been busy fending off professional advances from Donald Trump while trying to keep a video of her whapping out her underage boobies from being released. She’s not a whore, you know. OK, technically she is a whore, but… look… oh, we’ve lost our point. She’s a whore. We think that was it.

More than that, though, Ashley Dupré is a whore with a reality TV show in the pipeline. What a lucky whore. The New York Daily News reports:

Ashley Dupré, 23, has been negotiating with Los Angeles-based Handprint Entertainment on a reality show, possibly one focusing on her dating men for free, E! News Online reported. The program would require Dupré to move to the West Coast, E! News claimed. “They’re talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila,” a source told E!

We honestly hope this reality TV show thing pans out for Ashley Dupré, because it would make our day to see her in a dating show. Just think of the demographic it’d attract – the exact venn diagram overlap of grubby blokes who don’t mind going on TV to publicly compete for the affections of a woman who lets men dick her for money and grubby blokes who want to sleep with prostitutes but can’t afford to. Genius.

And if Ashley Dupré can salvage her reputation with a reality TV show, then maybe Eliot Spitzer can do the same. Best of all, he’d probably do it for scraps of food at the moment.

Long have we wondered what Michael Jackson’s next career move would be.

Will he make another album? Will he start a charity to help the big-nosed poor? Will he be another ride at Disney Land? Perhaps one where he puts roller-skates on his hands and feet and rolls about the room in a crab-walk type style with a saddle on his belly, and your height has to be below Mickey’s hand to climb on board?

Well we can tell you – he’s gonna be a Vegas attraction. It’s been rumored before, but this time it’s different. This time he could be working directly for the mortgage company that just bought the $23 million dollar loan for his Neverland Ranch.

It’s perfect timing too, really, since Celine Dion just left Vegas and they are the exact same proportions, he could just use her costumes.

Now that’s economic efficiency!

There are several things that always must be mentioned when speaking of Michael Jackson. One of those things is the giraffes standing in their own coagulated blood pools back at his abandoned homestead. Another thing un-skipable is how he was the R Kelly of 2005.

Another thing that absolutely has to come up is how, even though Thriller is still the biggest selling album of all time, and the Taj Mahal’s entire south wing is built out of copies of it, Jackson is still destitute or something. He almost lost his house a bit ago – it was spared at the last second by the financial intervention of his pet tigers or something.

Well, his $23 million loan for the place was picked up by a company called Colony Capital, which conveniently owns thousands of Las Vegas casinos. A Jackson-led Vegas show has been talked about for years. The New York Times will make this one a little less fuzzy for you:

“Mr. Jackson, who has had a seemingly endless series of financial troubles over the past few years, including a recent threat of foreclosure at his Neverland Ranch in California, is considering a long term Las Vegas engagement as part of a plan to repay a $23 million debt to Colony Capital, the private equity group that recently bought the loan on Neverland, Reuters reported. Colony owns the Las Vegas Hilton, and is a major shareholder in the Station Casinos chain. There is no deal yet and the possible Las Vegas engagement is one of several repayment options Mr. Jackson and Colony are considering.”

Other repayment options under consideration, reportedly, are earning millions by teaching the US military how to turn its soldiers into spaceships and repeatedly launching Norm from Cheers through the stratosphere in a brown recliner.

We’re really not sure how money would come about from that last bit. Maybe put it on Pay-Per-View or something.