Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
OH JOY! It’s time for some Soap Spoilers as we know you lot would freak out if we didn’t do this week after week. ?We love writing these however and none of us?secretly?wonder what our lives would have been like had we gone to university or taken Hugh Hefner up on that offer of marriage last year.
Nope. We’re good.
Ready to find out stuff about fake people??Excellent.
Hello pea-brains! We missed you! That’s a lie but we like to make you feel wanted, even if it is for a split second.
It seems that despite awful, factual things happening in the world right now, some of you still care about those fictional people in Soapland who earn great big wads of cash for pretending their life is much grimmer that yours. That’s highly unlikely isn’t it?
So let’s take a look at all the depressing nonsense which awaits you this week.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.
And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.
Wait what?
If you’re a fan of smug, unfunny comedy but you go to bed quite early, Jay Leno’s new 10pm NBC show must feel like a godsend.
A whole hour of Jay Leno telling reheated 12-year-old Bill Clinton jokes at a time that even allows the elderly to be somewhat nonplussed by it? Brilliant! But what’s the show going to be like?
Well, according to Jay Leno himself, it’ll be just like his old show but with more ‘stunts’. And stunt number one? Seeing how quickly he can send Conan O’Brien into the depths of gibbering impotent psychosis. We imagine.
In May, Jay Leno was due to retire from TV and spend his days droning witlessly about cars and getting chin massages.
But that was never actually going to be the case. There’s such a dearth of middle-aged male millionaires who aren’t as funny as they think they are on TV right now that Jay Leno was never going to stay retired for long.
And now we know what Jay Leno’s next show will be – it’s his old show, basically – on the same network, in the same studio and broadcast 90 minutes earlier so even more people can get contaminated by watch it.
When hecklerspray was just 42 years old the song Electric Youth descended upon us from a gas station sound-system.
It was 1989, and to this day we believe that sweet vocal delivery was sent from heaven on high. You see, about two hours previously the cashier working inside had informed us the strawberry slurpee-maker was on the fritz, and we were thinking about ending it all as soon as some passing customer dropped a loaded shotgun, a woodman’s axe, or perhaps maybe a small bear or something. Yes, a bear would have done nicely.
But then Debbie Gibson buoyed our spirits the way only a teen icon can when she’s singing in a button-covered jean jacket with it’s collar fully extended. We got up, convinced the 7-11 clerk to just sell us a cup full of pure strawberry slurpee syrup instead, and went off into the night to face whatever challenges may come.
Debs saved our life that night. And to commemorate the love we can’t imagine she doesn’t probably have for us, we recently allowed Stephen Baldwin to get a tattoo of her placed anywhere on his body he wanted to.
Oh wait – that wasn’t a Debbie Gibson tattoo he just got – it was a Hannah Montana tattoo. Literally. Stephen Baldwin literally got a Hannah Montana tattoo inked permanently onto his skin somewhere. Now we’re going to put the word ‘literally’ in italics again just so you get how strange we think this all is – Literally.
Smallville undoubtedly rules the roost when it comes to confusing, myth-raping young superhero TV shows that you barely even remember exist – but not for long.
No, because the producers of Smallville have struck upon another idea for a confusing, myth-raping TV show about a young superhero. Robin. Yes, Robin from Batman and Robin. But set before he met Batman. So basically a TV show about an annoyingly earnest little boy without any superpowers, then.
Still, that’s not going to stop the show from being made. It’s even got a name already – The Graysons. So, to correct our earlier mistake, this Robin programme will be a TV show about an annoyingly earnest little boy without any superpowers that sounds like it’s a bad 1970s sitcom. Can’t wait.
Remember a while ago when Paris Hilton decided to become a singer and released that album and it sold 500 million copies and made Paris Hilton a megastar?
Yeah, us too. That was great. We especially liked it when the government of Uganda became so obsessed with the Paris Hilton album that it scrapped its own national anthem in favour of Stars Are Blind, Nothing In This World and Screwed played all the way through six times each.
Oh, wait, no, none of that happened, did it? That’s because the Paris Hilton album was an abject failure that turned Paris into an international laughing stock. Still, at least Paris Hilton managed to scrape together her remaining credibility afterwards, never to return to that debac… what? Paris Hilton is releasing another song? And she’s named it after her new TV show? Oh. Good.
The Super Bowl halftime show is always a big draw, not least because there’s a fleeting chance you’ll see partial boob.
And next year’s Super Bowl will be even more special than most, because if you see anyone’s accidentally-exposed barely-covered breast at all, it’ll be Bruce Springsteen‘s. Bruce Springsteen is playing the Super Bowl! Finally! Some good old-fashioned, all-American heartfelt stadium rock is coming to the Super Bowl at last!
At least that’s what the Super Bowl organisers must be hoping. There’s still every chance that Bruce Springsteen will want to play some of his newer songs at the Super Bowl, in which case 148 million Americans are in for six minutes of an old man mumbling about putting his penis up an old prostitute’s bum. Either way – woo.
It’s natural for rappers to want to diversify – Jay-Z has his sports bar, 50 Cent has his terrible films and Kanye West, well, Kanye West has puppets.
According to reports, Kanye West is developing a sort of ‘hip-hop Muppet Show‘ with Comedy Central and the makers of Crank Yankers. Kanye West hosted the pilot of the show, which could possibly be broadcast next year, plus he’ll do the music and executive produce.
It’s not know what specific tasks Kanye West will adopt as executive producer of this puppet show, but on a hunch we’d guess they involve standing in offices screaming “Make it more about me! More about me!” and then, when his changes have been implemented, standing in the same office screaming “Why’s it all about me? How DARE you insult me like this?” and then smashing up a camera under his foot.
