FACT, Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. FACT, the moon is made out of a creamy delicious cheese. FACT Britney Spears is the most important singer of our generation.

OK, we lie. Parts of the last statement might be slightly true. However, if watching a music video featuring a young girl poncing around in a schoolgirl outfit is your thing, then you’ve struck gold. Oil is temporarily unavailable due to the Americans bathing their sealife in it.

Now known for being a shaven-headed mentalist who occasional flashes her lady bits whilst threatening people with an umbrella, Britney Spears hasn’t quite gone from strength to strength. What’s that Britney? You’d like to turn down a song from Lady Gaga that’s now pretty much dementing the brains of everyone due to it never being off the radio? Great, that can totally be arranged.

Cue the sad trombone music as we yet again shake our heads in pity for poor old Britney Spears. During the recording sessions for her album Circus featuring such memorable tracks as That One and The One That Sounds Like This, it appears that a song was rejected from someone called Lady Gaga. This was then salvaged from the slightly mental Poke Ya Face singer and transformed in to the song we all want to play at our funerals, Telephone. A demo that Britney recorded has now been leaked and it sounds like this:

Some observations:

1) Despite being a different version, it’s still terrible.

2) This proves that anyone with basic studio knowledge can make anyone sound like a pathetic human robot.

3) You could probably give all of Britney Spears material to Lady Gaga and vice versa, and they’d both still sound identical.

4) Let’s be glad Britney Spears rejected it, because she’d go one step further than using beer cans as hair curlers. Dildos, car exhausts and batons would be substituted instead.

Now! Magazine reports that producer Rodney Jerkins has confirmed that it is her singing on the leaked version, but has denied that he was the one who posted it online. Jerkins maintains his innocence by adding:

“It was an early demo stage. It wasn’t even a mixed version. I would never leak something without Britney’s approval, without [her manager] Larry Rudolph, without Jive Records”.

Hmm, the plot thickens like a skin over custard. Call the music police and help us investigate. Or we can all just laugh at the song and add yet another notch to the long list of Britney Spears mishaps.

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Donny Osmond, the whitest guy who ever lived, is having a big old wail about Lady GaGa’s video for Telephone, which stars Beyonce Knowles and their respective sociable breasts. He’s got into a massive tizz about the whole thing, fretting and pacing up and down in his kitchen mainlining decaf coffee and wondering what the impact will be on the children of the world, 32% of those he sired himself. Possibly. This is clearly padding and lies in a tired attempt to hit a word count.

The promotion video/film (which you can see here, with stills of the ‘Best Bits’) has come in for a fair amount of criticism. India Arie,a dullard of a woman if ever there was one, wept that the reel was “socially irresponsible” and now, Donny and his amazingly white teeth are getting in on the condemning action.

And let’s be honest, they really are astonishingly white aren’t they? It’s like staring into an explosion.

Donny sez:

“I’m all for freedom of speech and against any form of censorship, but all I know is that I’m a parent and I’m upset about this.”

Boo hoo! Are you upset wickle Donny Wonny? Would you like Hecklerspray to wipe away that snot bubble?

“Unlike 20 years ago, in today’s modern, viral world in which content becomes instantaneously available irrespective of age, I wonder whether the music industry might need to rethink its marketing policies with regard to making an explicit music video containing profanity, sexual exploitation, nudity and graphic violence available to anyone with internet access.”

He added:

“I wouldn’t want my child to watch this. Would you? What do you think? Should these two extremely gifted female role models for millions of young girls maybe have given a little more thought to the effect it might have on their core audience?”

No. They shouldn’t.

They’re attention hungry pop-stars who, mercifully, haven’t used their platform to push some imagined God down everyone’s necks preferring to allow everyone to stare agog or, more likely, have a great big wank over the whole thing.

Maybe our Donny should revisit something he wrote on his website a while ago:

“We all determine for ourselves what is right and what is not right for our own lives and how we live God’s commandments. I am not a judge and I will never judge anyone for the decisions they make unless they are causing harm to another individual.”

Last time we checked, watching 10 minute pop videos and saying ‘motherfucker’ didn’t really cause any lasting harm to anyone.

No wonder Osmond is the butt of innumerable jokes and his image is hokier than a gingham barrel filled with pumpkin pie.

One professional publicist once (apparently) suggested that Osmond purposefully get arrested for drug possession in order to change his image from nerdy gitbox to something with a little edge. Too late. He’s sat in front of the television with MTV on… crying. GaGa meanwhile, one billion YouTube hits later…

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Lady Gaga has just released the long-awaited video to Telephone, her new single. But so bloody what, eh?

You won’t watch it. You won’t watch Lady Gaga and Beyonce singing about how much they like telephones, because the video is nine and a half minutes long. Nine and a bloody half poxy minutes long! You’re busy people – you couldn’t possibly sit in one place doing one thing for nine and a half minutes, even if that thing was watching a video of Lady Gaga and Beyonce banging on about a lovely telephone. Your life is far too short.

So here’s what we’ll do. We’ll watch the Lady Gaga and Beyonce Telephone video for you, and then show you the ten best bits from it after the jump. Honestly, the things we do for you people sometimes.

Just in case you do have nine and a half minutes spare – maybe because you’re unemployed or recently bereaved – we’ll show you the full Lady Gaga/ Beyonce Telephone video first. You don’t have to watch it – we can’t overemphasise that enough – but it’s here if you want it…

Wow! That was nine and a half minutes of awesomeness, wasn’t it? It’s OK, you don’t have to answer that – we know you’re too busy to spend almost ten minutes watching a woman with funny eyebrows goon about in her knickers. But, just in case you’re ever drawn into a conversation about it and you don’t want to look like a clueless idiot, allow us to present to you the ten best bits from the Lady Gaga/ Beyonce Telephone video…

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 1 – 1:29

Lady Gaga, there, sporting a pair of sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. She’s a zany one, that’s for sure!

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 2 – 1:56

Lady Gaga getting off with Christian Slater. Or a lesbian. Oh, it’s so hard to tell these days.

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 3 – 2:09

Wow! Hey kids, Lady Gaga uses VIRGIN MOBILE! Because if there’s one thing that Lady Gaga loves more than generating heaps of controversy, it’s GREAT mobile coverage at a LOW LOW PRICE! Honestly, there’s nothing GAGA about wanting a cost-effective mobile phone contract!!

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 4 – 3:34

That’s right Madonna, TWO THUMBS UP for Virgin Mobile’s outstanding value and wonderful quality of service to both new and existing customers! We agree!!

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 5 – 4:16

Alright Lady Gaga, give it a sodding rest already. We get it, you like Virgin Mobile. Jesus.

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 6 – 4:56

Here’s Beyonce, eating a sandwich in an angry way. She probably knows that Lady Gaga has overdone the Virgin Mobile product placement, and if she doesn’t do something to change the subject pretty quickly then Richard Branson will be on the phone, shouting and howling at them both like some kind of bearded Edmondsesque banshee. But what on Earth can Beyonce do to stop people thinking about Virgin Mobile?

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 7 – 5:59

Oh. Right. Should have seen that coming, really.

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 8 – 6:20

What’s that, Lady Gaga? Virgin Mobile’s network is so strong and reliable that it even allows you to take part in crystal clear conversations if you’ve only got a lettuce or, as demonstrated by the man on the far left, two nice baguettes? That’s amazing! Virgin Mobile really must have one of the world’s finest networks. Coupled with its competitive array of tariffs, that surely puts Virgin Mobile leaps and bounds ahead of all the other mobile networks!

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 9 – 7:31

Oops! Beyonce has remembered that this is supposed to be a music video and not just one big long heavy-handed advert for a specific mobile network. But don’t worry, if she and Lady Gaga both dress up in a couple of ludicrous outfits and dick around like a pair of 12-year-olds at a sleepover at the end of the video, then people will forget all about the shameless huckstering they’ve just witnessed and simply get on with their day.

LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 10 – 9:01

Job well done, girls. Job well done.

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If there's a new season of American Idol starting, it must be time to begin our annual 'Paula Abdul is a flipping loon' blowout.

But, no, actually perhaps things will be different this year. Perhaps Paula Abdul will be able to get through a season of American Idol sanely, sensibly and without drawing attention to her worst characteristics like she usually does.

What? Paula Abdul's gone and had a 10-minute emotional breakdown in an airport? And she started talking like a poltergeist? Lordy.

Maybe we should start acting mental all the time, you know. Look at Paula Abdul – hardly a day passes without her managing to claw through the walls of logic and do something genuinely stupefying, like punch herself in the nose with a chihuahua or scream about diarrhoea into a telephone, and all the American Idol contestants are like "Woooo! Ohmigaaaaaah! Paula Abdul, you totally mean so much to me!"

And, despite spending our entire lives trying to avoid public displays of wibbling emotion, what do we get? The occasional comment from people calling us biased pricks, that's what. Where's the justice?

Anyway, a new season of American Idol is set to start, and that means Paula Abdul will have to crank up her derange-o-scope if she wants to make the public worry about her mental wellbeing nearly as much as in previous years. Remember that last year Courtney Love almost replaced Paula as an American Idol judge? Courtney pissing Love! So it's fair to say that Paula Abdul has her work cut out for her if she wants to keep up that juddering level of instability this year.

So hats off to Paula Abdul, then, for announcing the start of American Idol 2008 by apparently having a bewildering emotional breakdown in an airport where she started wailing like a poltergeist in front of everyone. A source told Radaronline:

"She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn't care."

Perhaps, if this report is true, there's more to this than Paula Abdul just being Paula Abdul. Perhaps it's a thinly-veiled warning to Amy Winehouse to make sure she knows who the crazy airport behaviour patch belongs to.

And, just think, this is Paula Abdul right at the beginning of American Idol. Who knows what zany, slightly disturbing antics she'll have gotten up to by the time American Idol skids to an exhausted close in the middle of the year? We know it's improper of us to ask but, Paula, you'd make us the happiest people on earth if you could tailor one of your episodes around holding a turd like a biro and writing on the walls of your house.

Read more:

Paula Abdul's Airport Flip-Out – Radar Online