FACT, Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. FACT, the moon is made out of a creamy delicious cheese. FACT Britney Spears is the most important singer of our generation.
OK, we lie. Parts of the last statement might be slightly true. However, if watching a music video featuring a young girl poncing around in a schoolgirl outfit is your thing, then you’ve struck gold. Oil is temporarily unavailable due to the Americans bathing their sealife in it.
Now known for being a shaven-headed mentalist who occasional flashes her lady bits whilst threatening people with an umbrella, Britney Spears hasn’t quite gone from strength to strength. What’s that Britney? You’d like to turn down a song from Lady Gaga that’s now pretty much dementing the brains of everyone due to it never being off the radio? Great, that can totally be arranged.
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Donny Osmond, the whitest guy who ever lived, is having a big old wail about Lady GaGa’s video for Telephone, which stars Beyonce Knowles and their respective sociable breasts. He’s got into a massive tizz about the whole thing, fretting and pacing up and down in his kitchen mainlining decaf coffee and wondering what the impact will be on the children of the world, 32% of those he sired himself. Possibly. This is clearly padding and lies in a tired attempt to hit a word count.
The promotion video/film (which you can see here, with stills of the ‘Best Bits’) has come in for a fair amount of criticism. India Arie,a dullard of a woman if ever there was one, wept that the reel was “socially irresponsible” and now, Donny and his amazingly white teeth are getting in on the condemning action.
And let’s be honest, they really are astonishingly white aren’t they? It’s like staring into an explosion.
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Lady Gaga has just released the long-awaited video to Telephone, her new single. But so bloody what, eh?
You won’t watch it. You won’t watch Lady Gaga and Beyonce singing about how much they like telephones, because the video is nine and a half minutes long. Nine and a bloody half poxy minutes long! You’re busy people – you couldn’t possibly sit in one place doing one thing for nine and a half minutes, even if that thing was watching a video of Lady Gaga and Beyonce banging on about a lovely telephone. Your life is far too short.
So here’s what we’ll do. We’ll watch the Lady Gaga and Beyonce Telephone video for you, and then show you the ten best bits from it after the jump. Honestly, the things we do for you people sometimes.
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If there's a new season of American Idol starting, it must be time to begin our annual 'Paula Abdul is a flipping loon' blowout.
But, no, actually perhaps things will be different this year. Perhaps Paula Abdul will be able to get through a season of American Idol sanely, sensibly and without drawing attention to her worst characteristics like she usually does.
What? Paula Abdul's gone and had a 10-minute emotional breakdown in an airport? And she started talking like a poltergeist? Lordy.
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FACT, Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. FACT, the moon is made out of a creamy delicious cheese. FACT Britney Spears is the most important singer of our generation. 
