tech - HecklerSpray

iPad 3 Imminent; Missing A Home Button Like A Big Wimp?

February 29th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Amazing isn't it? How a company can get people so worked up about a product which probably won't be that much different from what came before, but still make it seem that this is the best thing to be clad in plastic and metal since the original Terminator.

It's an astonishing thing to see Apple stores on launch days because between sweaty adults clamouring over an overly priced object like it was the last loaf of bread in 1920s Germany, there is the bitter taste of getting yourself in what feels like an exclusive club of Apple product users, even though they now rank into the millions.

So expect fervent panic and, frankly, rude pushing on March 16th when the iPad 3 is rumoured to be released. In typical Apple behaviour, there's nothing concrete to go on but hundreds of Apple rumours sites that seem sure that what they’re writing about is entirely correct and should not be doubted even though they are sure the back of the new iPhone will be made from unicorn hide.

Apple: Hating Those Other Pauper Devices

August 7th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Thanks to the rise of telecommunications, the humble apple and blackberry are no longer seen as delicious pieces of fruit. ?Apple? in particular isn't seen as something to make cider with, but as a massive technology company.

Steve Jobs was the bloke who modified the clunky Apple desktop computers that were once seen as inferior to Microsoft?s PC?s and transformed them into sleek and sexy devices. They?re so trendy that anyone seen in a Starbucks without a white coloured laptop will be scorned at; all whilst their double filtered extra frothy latt? with polar bear milk gets sabotaged.

So what have Apple done exactly? They?ve made the MP3 market their own with the iPod took the geekiness out of computing. Now, they're tackling the tablet market and have already launched various iPads. But Apple products are expensive right? Course they are, but that shouldn?t matter according to Apple?s Tim Cook. He says that cheaper tablets ruin it for everyone.

Gary Glitter Is On His Computer Again, Causing Trouble And Upsetting Everyone

January 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when they hung Gary Glitter on Channel 4? That was nice wasn’t it? Alas, for you pitchfork wielders, it was a work of fiction and Glitter is actually alive and well and causing trouble on twitter.

Apparently, the twitter account (not yet verified, so invariably a hoax) says that the disgraced glamster will be making a comeback on the road in 2012. That’s if people don’t storm the building and tear him limb-from-limb.

They’d want to do that after he was convicted of possessing child pornography (sentenced to four months) and then, after release, arrested in Vietnam for committing obscene acts with children (three years in the clink). However, all that’s behind him now.

Justin Timberlake Reveals What He’s Doing To MySpace (Remember That?)

January 10th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember MySpace? Remember how much fun you had mucking around with the layout and design for it? Remember writing on people’s walls and being friends with the mysterious Tom? Remember when Rupert Murdoch bought it and the entire world stopped using it overnight.

Fun times.

Well, Justin Timberlake – who was in a film about Facebook – bought loads of shares in the flagging service and now wants to tell us all how amazing it is now going to be. It isn’t, is it?

African Bullfrog Plays Ant Crusher, With Splendid Results!

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine you have access to an African Bullfrog. Once you’d finished singing The Beatles’ ‘Hey Bulldog’ at it, there’s very little you can do with it away from feeding it and mopping up the mess it makes.

Right?

Wrong. See, one bright bulb decided to get his frog and make it play Ant Crusher (that’s a game you get on phones, y’dozy widge! What have you been doing for the past year?). Of course, what unfurls is asking for trouble. As the kidz say, FAIL.

Hugh Jackman’s Wife Is Not Married To A Gay Man

December 2nd, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about?celebrities?or their sexual preferences. ?The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.

But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.

WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE ?WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!

Brian May Thinks You Like Queen Because You’re Common

November 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Queen are a terrible band aren’t they? Overblown, pompous, noodly bollocks for people who can’t bring themselves to dance or listen to anything with a trace of funk. They’re so white they’re borderline Aryan.

Still, there’s obviously a huge market of Stock Broker Rock and Queen have hardly struggled throughout their career.

But what is it that people like about them? Well, if you ask Brian May, it’s because they “speak for common people”.

Steve Jobs: Mocking The Handicapped, Then Dying

October 28th, 2011 By hecklerspray staff

When Steve Jobs died (most likely as a direct result of the shoddy piece of iCrap that his company launched just 24 hours earlier), tearful simpletons across the globe gathered around his grave to pay homage to the genius who Changed The World?, one recycled idea at a time.

When the prophesied iJobs resurrection failed to materialise three days later, a handful of maverick thinkers finally dared to suggest that maybe Stevie J wasn’t Jesus incarnate after all, and perhaps all the gushing, glassy-eyed dogma spewing across the Internet might have been a teensy, weensy bit overblown.

Various stories began to bubble to the surface about Jobs being generally a bit of a git-about-town, and the leaked preview of a suspiciously well-timed “definitive biography” revealed he was in fact a dirty, smelly, LSD-addled hippy with a bitter, venomous hatred towards anything that looked remotely like fair competition in the marketplace. And that’s not even mentioning his various attempts to abandon his first daughter.

Soulja Boy Tells Fans He’s Totally Innocent Of Drugs And Weapons Charges – Definitely Guilty Of Terrible Music Though

October 20th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.

See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.

Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?

Hugh Jackman Frightened By People With The Same Name As Him

October 12th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

It must be rotten being Hugh Jackman. Everyone thinks you’ve got metal claws coming out of your knuckles and you have a face like a leper’s sandal. Still, at least he’s obscenely wealthy eh? What could possibly worry him?

Well, for your information, Hugh is very worried, actually.

By what? you don’t ask? We’ll tell you anyway. He’s frightened of online imposters. Not sharks. Not being stabbed through the rib cage with a pitchfork. He’s frightened of people playing make believe.