Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick, The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.

The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.

So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).

Director Marc Webb (apt name! He definitely hasn’t heard that one before) says:

“I think there are a lot of things from the Spider-Man canon that haven’t yet been explored cinematically. This movie really starts off with Peter Parker and his parents, which is something we’ve never really seen before, and I think that was something we were all really interested in exploring as filmmakers.”

Yes, but are we popcorn munching dimwits going to be interested in exploring it as viewers, huh?

Meanwhile, Emma Stone (who will be playing Gwen Stacey – Peter Parker’s other love interest away from the irritating MJ) told fans in Rio de Janeiro that Gwen and Mary Jane Watson (remember, she was played by Kirsten Dunst in the previous films) are “polar opposites,” while Rhys Ifans said in London that his character, Dr. Curt Connors, who becomes the Lizard, has “a very complex and emotional” link to Parker.

The bad news about this film is that it features music from the Rolling Stones and Coldplay.

Anyway, you have a look at this teaser and make your own stupid minds up. We’re sick of constantly wiping your arses for you and telling you what to think.

Seriously. Grow up.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 3D – Official Trailer /… by Lyricis

Ever woke up in the morning and thought to yourself “Hey! You know what I’d like to see today? A fat Northerner stapling someone’s mouth to an anus while jerking himself off with sandpaper!” Have you?

Then chances are, you’re Tom Six, the director of The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), and barely anyone else.

See, the film has taken a hilarious £942 at the box office after opening in the UK last weekend. Basically, no-one wants to see it AND pay for it. We suspect that it has been streamed and downloaded online (uncut) more times than anyone settling down in a cheese smelling cinema has.

Of course, Tom Six will no doubt blame this dreadful showing on the fact that two minutes and 37 seconds removed from it so it could obtain an 18 certificate for release.

Fact is, like the first film, it was trying way too hard to show and people were pretty bored by the notion.

Six slammed censors the British Board of Film Classification’s (BBFC) when they rejected his movie in June.

He said:

“Apparently I made a horrific horror film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art.”

The first Human Centipede didn’t fare too well either, taking £6,145 in 2010. Basically, both films combined have made about enough profit to have a medium sized wedding.

How lovely.

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It’s time for the release of Human Centipede 2! Hurray! How we love a romantic comedy about a crazy copycat torturer and self-pleasuring yourself with stuff purloined from the tool box while being shouted at by your mum!

Is Hugh Grant in it?

Anyway, as the film is getting shown (States only thus far, but Limey won’t have long to wait, don’t fret) and such, so we thought we’d give you some teasers in the shape of some stills from the film (they’re very pleasant) and the promotional poster (tastefully minging) for you to gawp at. Ready?

*WARNING* This article contains spoilers. Of course, anyone watching this film for a gripping plot is a complete idiot, but we have to say these things just in case.

If you don’t know the set-up, Human Centipede 2 follows Martin. Martin, like everyone called Martin, is a mentally disturbed loner. He lives with his mother who, the press release refers to as “his harridan mother”, which is just brilliant.

The lousiness of life pushes this victim of sexual and psychological abuse over the edge into a jolly, child-friendly romp where he turns his rubbish job as a security guard into a vehicle to indulge his obsession with The Human Centipede. Y’know, the first film?

Oh, and he makes a scrapbook, lovingly filled with memorabilia from the film, including the mouth-to-anus surgery instructions made famous by Dr. Heiter, the mad scientist from Martin’s favorite film (Care Bears: The Movie, a close second).

Anyway, Martin – like anyone – filled with abuse and haunting mental voices, goes about emulating Heiter’s centipede by creating his own version. He fills a warehouse with idiots like a loud neighbour, two drunk nightclubbers… and best of all, one of the actresses from The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

How hilarious is that?

Then, he gets out the duct tape, staple gun and household tools. Wanna see some pictures from it? Well first, we’ll give you the promotional poster, which is regrettably tasteful. Well, as tasteful as a big gnarly insect on someone’s genitals can be.

Here’s the stills.

images via IFC FILMS

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Hey divs! Great news! The romantic comedy, The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence, has been given a British Board of Film Classification today! How amazing is that? That means… well… you’ll illegally download it anyway as you’ll want to see all the nasty (funny) bits they hacked out.

Tom Six’s film – which to be perfectly honest, looks hilarious. A horror film set in the North of England with lousy acting? SIGN US UP! – has been given an 18 certificate, which means it can now be legally sold in the UK.

Of course, the BBFC had previously rejected the film, stating: “it is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.’ The BBFC also considered that The Human Centipede 2 may have even been in breach of the Obscene Publications Act or similar legislation.”

Yeah, right.

Naturally, this classification lark has been one big soap opera.

Tom Six and his production company had a protest against the initial decision (nice publicity), which saw the BBFC relenting after making some harsh edits (publicity for those guys too).

The BBFC have made 32 cuts to the film, which tot up to 2.37 minutes of what are presumably the funniest bits. We say funny, we mean So Vile That You Have To Laugh At Just How Much A Film Wants To Gross You Out. We’re assuming the climactic scene where our main character sexually assaults the lady on the end of the human centipede with barbed wire around his member won’t be in the edited version.

Weird huh? You can’t show things like that, but Jack Whitehall is allowed on our televisions at any ol’ time of day.

BBFC Director David Cooke originally said:

“the Board considered whether its concerns could be dealt with through cuts. However, given that the unacceptable content runs throughout the work, cuts are not a viable option in this case and the work is therefore refused a classification”.

But now, it’s gone through and left the door wide open for the Daily Mail to kick off a huge campaign against it, thereby ensuring that absolutely anyone with any sense ends up watching it.

We look forward to Human Centipede 3, starring John Waters and Jennifer Aniston.

[Source: BBFC]

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How disappointing was The Human Centipede? Very, that’s what. It wasn’t even funny bad. It was just a marvellously disgusting idea executed badly. It was a veritable snoozefest that was watched by a million people illegally online just to see what the fuss was about.

At least Child’s Play managed to create some real life murderers.

And that’s the schtick for The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). And you can see the trailer for it over the jump. Again, it looks like it’ll make you puke, but we’ll reserve judgement ’til we’ve actually sat down and watched it.

The story of the new films follows a bug-eyed Northern Englishman (definitely from Yorkshire where the most psychotic, depraved lunatics hail from) who gets the horn (or, if you prefer, becomes sexually obsessed) with his DVD of the first Human Centipede film.

Loser.

Apparently, he uses sandpaper to pleasure himself whilst watching the film. Sounds like a laugh doesn’t it?

He then, of course, decides to create a human centipede of his own. However, he’s not mucking about as he wants to create one comprised of twelve victims as opposed to the first film’s lame-ass three.

You’ll be thrilled to learn that this gets him all excited and he takes great sexual pleasure in watching the victims of the centipede defecate in each other’s mouths.

Ticking all the OOOH, LET’S SHOCK EVERYONE! boxes, eh?

Oh, before we forget, there’s a cheery sign-off involving barbed wire, his member and… shall we say… something of an assault on the lady who is at the rear of the centipede.

Happy, happy… joy, joy.

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Yes, yes… it’s all very well being cynical and cool all the time because it means that you never have to go out on a limb and say you like something that someone else may point out is entirely gash… but sometimes you really have to.

And surely even the most cold-hearted gitwurst couldn’t fail to be thawed by the antics of the characters on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show?

As such, there’s a new film out which looks really good that will make everyone on Earth cry tears of emotional joy all down their face. Ladies and Non-Ladies, let us point you in the direction of the trailer for the splendid looking Being Elmo.

Now, because we’re being nice, we totally understand if you think this is some kind of paid-for advertorial. It really isn’t.

We just really like Jim Henson.

And this new flick looks at the guy who plays Elmo and… aw shucks… we’re already welling up just remembering the trailer we just watched.

Drop the sarcasm and leave the sneering and hooting at the door.

This. Looks. Ace.

Being Elmo Trailer

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Remember Britney Spears bending over whilst sporting nothing but a short nightie, showing her meat to a security guard? Remember? She also sent him naked pictures of herself? Honestly. A security guard who worked for her said it, so it must be true.

That’s because, as Kevin Costner showed us, security guards are just about the only people you can really trust on this awful planet.

Britney’s old guard is so trustworthy that he’s been telling us all about Dirty Spears. She’s a bad apple. She pestered him for sex when he was just trying to do an honest day’s work. And there she was, flashing her stinking undercarriage at him and reeking like an ashtray. You think we’re making this up? Read on for the undeniable proof.

See, this man, who it is fair to say we can trust implicitly, has spoken about Britney more.

New court papers filed by Fernando Flores claim that Britney has poor personal hygiene as well as repeatedly hitting on him. The poor thing.

He stated:

“The sexual advances were unwanted for a variety of reasons. Spears had obnoxious habits, such as chain-smoking – making her smell continually of stale tobacco.

“She broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane. She did not bathe for days, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks.”

The filthy git! Although, in fairness, this could be a description of just about any of you readers.

And while Flores, who is seeking £6m in damages, may well be utterly trustworthy, it does seem like he’s the wettest security guard in the universe.

If he’s ‘suffered from depression, insomnia and anxiety whilst working for the singer’, mainly because of some nasty teeth, the odd bogey and fart, then what is he going to do when faced with a mad gunman?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the battle we’ve all been waiting for! BO versus cowardice!

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The cool thing about Spiderman is that he’s a bit lame. Sure, the whole Spidey Sense thing is cool and so is the whole parkour thing he invented… but he’s still lame. He’s a complaining smart-ass who still lives with his elderly Aunt. We even saw him being a student in a bedsit.

And so, when recreating the comics, you really need to grab a hold of that lameditude and embrace it. The ’90s animated series pretty much nailed the nerd/hero axis, but sadly, the movie adaptations were too keen on making Peter Parker too nerdy, and his alter-ego too cool.

So the new The Amazing Spiderman film is going to sort all that out, right? It’ll retain some of the b-movie fun of the enjoyably crap ’70s films, as well as throwing some decent explosion at him, right? Ummmm…

Sadly, we’re entering an age where all superhero films are going all out to copy the Batman movies. All high-tech rubber suits and brooding orchestrations. Apart from the Green Lantern which is essentially Dude, Where’s My Superpower?

Spiderman should, of course, always have that ace b-movie quality. He’s not a classy, brooding superhero. He’s sulky, petulant and mildly irritating. He’s basically a teenager who hasn’t worked out whether to be a tit or a bollock.

Giant monsters, clunky dialogue, Stan Lee introductions aimed directly at the fans, a stupid lycra suit (which, after all, was handmade by Parker himself because he’s a gigantic milksop) and, most importantly, a soundtrack that sounds like…

But here we are, faced with another gloom filled serious-a-thon with this leaked trailer which should get a few geekpulses racing. After watching it, it might even turn out to be a good film (it can’t be any worse than Tobey Maguire’s efforts at webslinging).

Of course, as this is leaked, its all a bit blurry, but it does the trick (and will probably be taken offline real soon because the studios are massive spoilsports) and will keep us in SpideyWanks ’til summer 2012.

Here it is.

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You may think of Britney Spears as some kind of pop-star who made a handful of decent records (backed by astonishing, saccharine dross), but really, she’s a wedding machine. She’s in danger of being remembered like Liz Taylor – Mad as a hatter and a loft filled with wedding dresses.

That’s right! Ol’ Britters is getting married again, meaning that she possibly doesn’t take the whole wedding vows thing seriously at all (which should be applauded really – what a stupid, stupid institution marriage is) or, she really can’t get enough of the marzipan in wedding cake (it just doesn’t taste right on its own, obviously).

So now we approach wedding number three (and of course, imminent divorce number three), we can coo about her plans and try and figure out who it is she’s actually going with at the moment because we don’t recall anyone being mentioned outside of lawsuits and sexual harassment cases.

The last husband Spears had was the now very fat Kevin Federline who she had two children with called Sean Preston and Jayden James with.

However, that all went wrong and will be forever remembered by That Video which showcased a Britney quite clearly out of her box where she burped her way through a garbled missive about the possibility of time-travel and such…

…or alternatively, she was putting it on and the ‘leaked’ video did exactly what it was supposed to do and get Spears a lot of attention, cost-free.

Anyway, Britney is now engaged to someone called Jason Trawick who proposed to the singer by writing the pop star a romantic poem.

After filling the ground floor of the couple’s mansion with roses and candles, Jason reportedly presented Britney with a flower-shaped diamond ring, and said:

“There once was a singer called Spears

Who dances like a newborn steer

She showed her holes

To security proles

But I’d still like to marry you, dear”

So thrilled was Britney that she said yes, probably cried, then asked her family if she was allowed to get married because no-one trusts her to look after herself anymore, and promptly went about asking Jason to impregnate her as soon as possible.

A source says:

‘Britney is desperate to settle down again and have more children. But she is very traditional and didn’t want to start a family with Jason until they’d tie the knot.’

We can only hope that, for the sake of our collective amusement, this wedding lasts about as long as Britney’s first marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander, which lasted an impressive 55 hours after a Vegas ceremony in 2004.

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Britney Spears has been called a lot of things in her time. Oh yes, insults ranging from ‘tuneless’ and ‘ fruiter’ to ‘baldy’ have been hurled in her direction over the years and no-one really cared to set the record straight as they were all probably pretty spot on.

However, one recent slur, cruelly branding Britney a ‘corporate puppet’ has outraged songwriter Savan Kotecha so much he opened his mouth and said something which sounded exactly like this:

“No.  I think these big artists don’t get where they are unless them and their team are running the show. Simple as that”. Is it? IS IT???

We don’t think so and to be honest we don’t trust anyone who’s written hits for Geri Halliwell and Westlife that didn’t include subliminal messages to make them mysteriously vanish off the face of the earth.

An insider from, presumably, ‘the inside’ said:

“From what I saw, she does nothing more than lend her name as celebrity to the production.  That’s all she seems either willing or able to contribute…Britney’s job is basically to follow other people’s instructions.”

“When Britney gets home, she does not appear to have much interest in music. The whole time I was with her, she would spend most of her free time doing nothing but watching  TV and smoking cigarettes. “

So she’d fit in tremendously well at the hecklerspray bedsit then.

We’re positive that anyone made from Uncle Walt’s  jam at a Disney factory, then ‘convinced’ to dance around as a schoolgirl in front of millions of one handed viewers, before kissing Madonna, shaving her head and going effing mental with a baseball bat is completely in control of their own destiny.

Probably.

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Britney Spears is a prisoner in her own home. Haven’t you heard? The enormous mansions she owns in California and Louisiana are basically ‘prisons’. Really large prisons where the chairs still have padding.

While we go and pick the neighbourhood locks in hopes of being thrown into A Britney Spears Prison of Awesome, you may like to know the latest on the singer. She’s being controlled by the people around her, according to the latest reports out of America.

She’s watched, monitored, followed, and still has to ask to spend her own money. Her calls are screened and she probably has to ask before she wees too. In Touch Magazine in the U.S. alleges that Britney is under a literal lock-down. She has to ask before spending time with other adults. And she basically interacts with no one outside her team.

The magazine alleges that conditions for Britney have worsened, since the 2006 meltdown where she spent the year alternating between coffee breaks and squatting for excitable paparazzi (yes, that pretty much happened).

The singer is under conservatorship, with little-to-no chance of it being lifted in the near future. In fact, it’s alleged she’s un-insurable without being under the thumb of her management – the same team working her until she’s dead behind the eyes and lethargically wheezing around stage.

Because it’s more important to milk the cash cow than give it a tea break, Britney’s going to be asking her father for pocket money right into her 40s at this rate.

InTouch Weekly print edition reports (via Celebitchy)

Three years after the meltdown that landed her in a mental health facility, Britney lives like a prisoner in her own home, with virtually every aspect of her life under the control of her father/conservator, Jamie Spears.

“She isn’t allowed to have a cell phone, and she’s not allowed to take incoming calls to her home unless security screens them first,” reveals an insider. “If she wants to make outgoing calls, security has to dial the numbers for her. She still has an allowance, and if she wants extra cash, she must submit a formal request…

Allowed contact with few people other than Jamie, her sons Jayden, 4, and Sean, 5, and her boyfriend, talent agent Jason Trawick – with whom she frequently fights – the onetime party girl is “incredibly lonely,” says the insider.

She has no privacy and yet at the same time, she has no time to herself. “Most people don’t know this, but Britney has a sober companion who is with her constantly, whenever Jason isn’t,” shares another close source. “The companion follows her everywhere she goes – even to the bathroom in restaurants or other public places – to ensure there’s no way anyone can slip her drugs.”

We’re done picking those locks, but the police are nowhere to be found. Slackers. While we pinch sweets from the local Tesco, would someone mind dialing 999 so we can bloody get thrown in one of these giant, luxury prisons already?

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

The world today is filled with Britney Spears fans who are very pleased with themselves. They’ve finished watching her ‘Till the World Ends’ video for the hundredth time and have finally tucked away their genitals, thrilled that Britney hasn’t let them down. Now it is time for them to scour the internet to pick a fight.

That’s because Britney’s fans are as devoted/mental as Michael Jackson fans and the vaguest hint of criticism sees them leaping to their feet and shouting angrily at the sky, unable to compute why anyone would say bad things about their idol.

So they’ll be made-up that there are allegations floating around, saying that Spears didn’t do the dance in the latest promotional video and that, it was actually undertaken by a stunt double called Tiana Brown who doesn’t move around like an aged canine waiting for God to take them and end this awful pain of ‘moving around a bit’.

Pictures have been shared online which shows someone in Britney’s outfit, busting moves and conveniently seeing their hair whipped across their face so no-one can see who it really is.

These shots certainly suggest that the woman doing the routine is not Britney. There’s no word from Camp Britney yet, and there isn’t likely to be either.

Of course, it makes sense to get someone else to do her routines for her because lately, Spears has looked about as agile as a horse trying to balance atop some step ladders. Still, at least she’s really good at product placement, eh?

Critics have also slated Britney for her “lazy” routines when performing her songs and Billboard’s Keith Caulfield said of her woeful routines:

“You expect her to dance ferociously. Because one can say, well you’re lip syncing and when you’re lip syncing, we expect you to dance.”

Quite. Britney’s crown is clearly slipping.

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While Britney Spears’ image has taken a hammering over the years, at least she’s still been able to knock out some half decent pop records right? And her next one, ‘Till The World Ends’ looks destined to be a dancefloor winner.

However, we’ve got a video to endure before then, which means we’ll have to watch her awkwardly stumble around like she’s punchdrunk amongst arm-snapping, hip-popping dancers who only serve to make Britney look like she’s suffering from Parkinson’s.

The poor love. And there’s a 30 second teaser of her new track which is all dystopian and that, like she’s been watching Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ video.

Right on cue, grotty looking future plebs gyrate amongst dingy crap while Britney coos her little baps off in a tune that looks to challenge Kelis’ ‘Acapella’ for Most Immediately Gratifying Dance Pop Record Of The Last 10 Years.

This will be the second single from her new album Femme Fatale, which again, is being hyped up as a ‘comeback’.

The 30-second teaser comes ahead of the world premiere of the video tomorrow.

Sadly, this song, despite being rather good, was written for Britney by Kesha, which means that simply by being, we’re reminded of one of the most irritatingly pop stars in history.

Anyway, enough chat. Here’s the teaser.

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There’s something strange… in the neighbourhood…. who y’gonna call? TRANSFORMERS! Yes indeed, there’s a new Transformers film coming out (next July apparently) and once again, it is set to have a load of explosions and girls with billowing hair… and we’ve got some sneaky peaks at the action, behind-the-scenes style!

Of course, it is still early days, so don’t be expecting anything to look like the finished article… but there is a lot of things blowing up and customised cars to look at. You like things like that don’t you? You’re like Tim Westwood or something.

Anyway, as ever, get your rubbish human, non-Transforming arse over the jump to take a look at a pair of videos which look behind the scenes at the new Transformers 3 movie. As ever with Michael Bay, it all looks like a war zone.

BLAMMO!

VROOM!

KAPOW!

Transformers 3: Michigan Ave, Chicago (7D) from Steven Bogda on Vimeo.

AND MORE BLAMMO!

RATATATATA!

SKREEEEEE-BOOM!

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Avatar, the new James Cameron sci-fi movie, is currently being spoken about as if it’s already a masterpiece.

This isn’t down to Avatar‘s game-changing adoption of brand new 3D technology, though, or the fact it’s been a decade in the making because most cinemas just haven’t been equipped to screen it until now. No, Avatar is supposed to be a masterpiece because it’s a Michelle Rodriguez film that doesn’t make people want to deliberately hurt themselves.

And now we can see the very first fruits of James Cameron’s Avatar – the Avatar teaser trailer has just been premiered on the internet.

So what does this teaster trailer teach us about Avatar? Well, it’s early days but we think we’re correct in assuming that James Cameron + bleeding edge computer animated motion capture technology + a rumoured production budget of close to $300 million = a MTV2 alternative rock video from 1993. With something that sounds worryingly like a Robson and Jerome soundtrack. This film is going to rule.

UPDATE – OK, there goes our credibility. Turns out this is a fake trailer after all. But the real one had better feature hundreds of library clips of clocks and plants, too, or else we’re going to get punchy.