Samy Naceri? Who in shit’s name is he? Well, he’s an actor who was in Taxi and Days of Glory? Okay? Just that justify him being on these pages? It shouldn’t matter really as he’s got arrested for flashing, which is hilarious.

That’s right, while dealing with autograph hunters, Samy decided to bare his arse while in Cannes, France. He was taken into custody on suspicion of “displaying an intimate part of his anatomy” in public.

Great! And this mad coot has previous! And it is way worse than dropping your trousers in public!

Before he decided to strum his naked self, Naceri was convicted of a knife attack in France. A mad stabby, mooning champ! HUZZAH!

Wait! There’s more!

He was also charged for substance abuse and sentenced to eight months’ imprisonment! And, get this, he was also penalized with a €5,000 fine for a road rage incident in which he smashed-up a car and assaulted one of its occupants.

WAIT! WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

In a swank Paris restaurant, Naceri was waiting for a chum. They were late. So, Samy did what anyone would do and attacked someone with an ashtray!

He then racially abused police officers.

He was also accused of attempted murder after stabbing a security guard. Oh, he also assaulted two guards at a medical centre where they were trying to get him through an overdose.

Charlie Sheen. The ball is in your court.

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We’re worried about Robert Pattinson – no, genuinely – we are worried about the vampire-man from the Twilight films.

After all, being relentlessly pursued all your life (for the last year) by a bunch of shrieking, cloying tweens and spinsters is hard enough. Throw in those devastating floods of urine and it’s sure to annoy anyone.

Even a plank of wood with a face drawn on it, which is exactly what Pattinson seems to be.

And it would seem we’re not alone, as Twilight co-acting person Michael Welch has expressed his discomfort at the attention lavished on young Planky.

After the shocking news the other week where the astonishingly idiotic fans of Robert “Rob” Pattinson nearly killed him by ruthlessly pushing him under the wheels of a speeding juggernaut as if fuelled by the combination of burning lust and ferocious jealousy…

Wait… what?

Oh, sorry – we meant to say: “nearly killed him by attempting to rape him in the street, which caused him to get clipped by a taxi as he fled for his life/sanity”.

Anyway, after that news we weren’t the only ones to hope that the frightening hordes out there clawing for “Rob”‘s skin as a trophy would calm down. Michael Welch said some words to MTV News:

“I don’t see how this is sustainable – is this gonna keep going for the rest of his life? I understand it, it’s Edward Cullen, I get it. But he’s still Rob Pattinson first – he’s still his own guy. Is it time to start getting concerned here? It’s tough, man. I don’t know where his life is really headed.”

To be honest, it was probably time to start getting concerned when hecklerspray posted a couple of innocuous, clever and downright witty slights on the character of Robert Pattinson, only to be deluged with threats of genuine violence* on our persons. His fans are, shall we say, “a bit obsessive”.

But would Welch trade in his semi-obscurity for the fear of being pursued down every street he ever walks on, just because he did a bit of half-arsed acting based on a book written by an adjective-loving Mormon? Yes. Yes he would.

“I don’t wish I had Rob’s life at all. I’m glad he’s okay. And as long as people don’t start ripping at him and breaking him in two, I think we’ll be okay… I wish him the best, and hope he’s going to be all right.”

Oh wait – that’s a no. Got those mixed up there.

*May be an exaggeration**

**As in, no violence was threatened***

***But hecklerspray was saddened when it was insulted, as was its beautiful, thin, smart and funny Twilight-reading girlfriend, who was also insulted****

****You people should be ashamed*****

*****Robert Pattinson has a flat face and cannot act very well.

After failing to whip up a frenzy in Hell’s Kitchen, Lee Ryan – our favourite expletive-uttering former boyband member – has since picked up the pieces and moved on.

Sadly, Lee Ryan hasn’t been over in Asia protecting the elephants from dying. Instead, he’s been busy allegedly slapping taxi drivers around and consequently being charged for it. The singer will appear before magistrates in Redhill on February 29.

We will be there in full support for Lee with a host of banners including 'We Luv U Lee 4ever', 'U R Propa Fit' and 'Kan Aye Ave A Refund Plz?' To any of Lee’s 12-year-old fans, 'Common Assault' means that he hurt someone for no reason.

So presumably all those songs he wailed about love and harmony were a bit of a lie. We await the trial for news on the best bruv in the world. 

Read more:

Former Boy Band Star Charged With Assault – NME