It must be bittersweet to be Jade Goody at the moment – true, she’s been diagnosed with cervical cancer, but at least she’s back on magazine covers again.

And that seems to have triggered something weird in Jade Goody’s brain. Since getting cancer has made her famous and liked again, Jade has taken it on herself to keep the momentum going by recounting awful periods of her life to various publications while photographers take pictures of her crying.

Following yesterday’s revelation that she once smoked crack in front of her mother, Jade Goody has now revealed that she was once kidnapped by a fake taxi driver. God knows what Jade will admit to tomorrow – maybe she once got sexually abused by some cattle or bought a pair of shoes made of tumours or something – but at least we know that this isn’t the most depressing Jade Goody news that we could hear. No, that’d be that they’re letting her back on the telly.

You wouldn’t want to be Jade Goody at the moment. OK, to be fair you wouldn’t want to be Jade Goody ever. In fact, most right-minded people would rather deliberately suffocate themselves in horse diarrhea than be anything like Jade Goody. But you especially wouldn’t want to be her now.

The reasons are too numerous to mention, but since Jade Goody is perhaps one of the only cancer sufferers in the country to also have a one-armed lesbian mother, an incarcerated boyfriend and a public reputation as a bit of a hateful racist, she just doesn’t seem like someone you’d want to particularly swap with, does she?

But, by a tragic coincidence, exactly one week after Jade Goody was seen sobbing her heart out on the cover of a million magazines because she’s got cancer, Jade Goody can now be seen sobbing her heart out on the cover of a million magazines because she’s got an autobiography coming out and promoting that seems to require her to dredge up every last gruesome event that’s ever occurred to her in public while a photographer snaps away at her miserable face.

Yesterday, of course, was ‘Jade Smoked Crack’ day, where Jade Goody admitted to smoking crack to make her mum stop smoking crack, even though that sounds like admitting to sitting in front of Weightwatchers eating a KFC Bargain Bucket to stop the lardies from eating so much.

And today? Well today Jade Goody has decided to inexplicably tell the world that a bloke kidnapped her once by pretending to be a taxi driver. Now reports:

The reality star, 27, and her then boyfriend climbed into his car thinking it was a cab. But when the driver dumped Jack Tweed, 21, in the middle on nowhere, Jade panicked.  She managed to overpower him and get out of the vehicle.  ‘I didn’t know what to do, then instinct kicked in,’ she writes in new book Jade: Catch A Falling Star. ‘It was to grab the driver’s head and begin hitting him as hard as I could.

It’s terrible, isn’t it? Why would anyone want to kidnap Jade Goody? All you’d end up with is a dumpy woman tied up in the corner of your house and a migraine from all her nasally bellowing. Jade Goody, hand on heart, would be one of the last people we’d kidnap.

Worse still, Jade Goody’s got a new perfume coming out soon as well, called Controversial. If she’s going through all this emotional anguish for a book, imagine what she’ll do for something that she doesn’t even have to read. Honestly, it’s going to be like the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream, except a bit more council.

Hecklerspray is sad to announce that our number one celebrity fan, elephant lover and all round user of expletives has been found guilty of a heinous crime against a man of the people.

Lee Ryan was yesterday found guilty of punching taxi driver Naeem Ibrahim in the head. In a rare show of kindness, we empathise with our bruv.

Taxi drivers aren’t the best people in the world; they have their own highway code and ignore everyone else. But lamping one is a slightly wrong. At best, tip some garlic mayo from your kebab on the seat and run off after paying your fare. That’s what we’d do. We’re not the violent types. All our arguments are settled over a game of chess and glass of port.   

Sadly the judge didn’t listen to Lee’s pleas and fined him £500 after a spot of road rage turned into fisticuffs. To us, the working class scumbag, £500 may be a bit hefty. But as Lee nicely mentioned in one of his dyslexic rants to us, he has "more more money then [we] can imagine”. The judge said: 

“I do regard this a situation where you over-reacted to a position you were put in. Although this was in essence an attack upon a vulnerable person that serves the public, I do take into account the injury was minor and appears to have come about as a result of what you did rather than the actual assault itself.” 

The elephant man said: 

"I get a lot of people wanting to fight me but I am not like that. But the judge has made his decision and there's not a lot I can do about that."

Never mind, at least our Lee hasn’t had to go off to prison to spend time with Big Fred and One Legged Dave. The experience may have toughened him up and produced a more 'real', urban, street sound. We guess he’ll continue to knock out the ballads. 

At this point, we’d say Lee could go back to his mansion and cook up a gourmet dinner, except he got booted off Hell's Kitchen that time. So he’s probably looking on MySpace at more naked pictures of his fans and picking out which ones to impregnate.

Lee, we still accept your offer of an interview. We’ll give you your chance to say what really happened. Think of us as Martin Bashir and you as Princess Diana or Michael Jackson – depending on your preference.

If there’s one thing we hate it’s taxi drivers. Idiots, the lot of them, with their stupid job and their, um, shoes. And stuff.

OK, we don’t hate taxi drivers. Only a fool could bring himself to hate taxi drivers. And only a giant fool would be able to hate taxi drivers to the point of violence. A big stupid fool, probably with a rubbish face and BO and a dirty bumhole and fleas.

Lee Ryan from Blue was in court yesterday for allegedly punching a taxi driver in the side of the head three times. We don’t see how this alters our original point.

Hecklerspray has had its ups and downs with Lee Ryan in the past, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that he’s easily our fifth-favourite former member of Blue, after Duncan, Simon, Zeppo and Digby The Biggest Dog In The World.

We love Lee Ryan because he speaks his mind. Whether he’s angrily reminding people about elephants following the September 11 attacks, getting thrown off a reality TV show during an argument about pikeys or just appearing to shout abuse at strangers in the street, Lee Ryan’s compulsion to bring the truth is admirable to say the least. Also, we quite fancy his Mum.

But every now and again Lee Ryan hits a stumbling block, like when he has to write his thoughts down or when taxi drivers infuriate him so much that he can only express himself by punching them in the side of the head three times.

That’s what apparently happened on New Year’s Eve when it’s been claimed that Lee Ryan punched taxi driver Naeem Ibrahim in the head after his fiancee drove into his taxi, then punched him a further three times after Ibrahim pushed him away. And, charged with common assault, Lee Ryan went to court yesterday.

Although he denies the attack, Lee Ryan faces six months in prison if found guilty. Which he probably won’t, because it’s just Lee’s word against the taxi driver’s. And the passenger who claims to have seen Lee Ryan punching the taxi driver quite clearly. Anyway, don’t get excited just yet, because Lee’s actual trial has been pushed back a bit, as BBC News reports:

The 25-year-old denies the attack and had been due to stand trial. However, the case was delayed because Mr Ibrahim was in India and could not attend Redhill Magistrates Court. Raymond Lewis, defending Mr Ryan, told the court his client punched Mr Ibrahim once in self-defence. When details of his arrest were made public, Mr Ryan was sacked from a “prime-time” ITV Saturday night show in which he was due to appear in six episodes, Mr Lewis told the court.

A prime time Saturday night TV show? What could it have been? Not Britain’s Got Talent, surely, because we’ve seen Lee Ryan’s tapdancing ventriloquist act and frankly it needs a lot of work. Kids Do The Funniest Things? Hardly – it’s called Kids Do The Funniest Things, not Kids Repeatedly Outwit An Angry And Confused Former Boyband Member. We do notice that this Saturday night ITV is showing The Big Fight, though, and that’s not outside the realms of possibility, is it?

Anyway, the point is that Lee Ryan got sacked from the show right after he was arrested for common assault. So here’s what we propose. Next time Lee Ryan’s due to go on TV, we all paint targets on the side of our heads and walk around singing Army Of Lovers in a sarcastic way on the off-chance that Lee Ryan sees it, lashes out and gets the sack again. Sure, it’ll sting a bit, but it’s your moral duty as a human being to keep Lee from being on the telly as much as you can.

Read more:

Former Blue star ‘punched driver’ - BBC