Former actor, soon to be convict, Wesley Snipes has said that he’s pretty nervous about going to jail. Not surprising really. Prison is horrible. It is filled with people covered in tattoos who want to stove your head in and/or bum you something rotten. And Snipes is a hot piece of celebrity ass.

With legal challenges falling flat on their face, Snipes is looking for divine intervention.

That’s right – Snipes is hoping that Jesus Christ Our Lord will come and magic this all away, despite the fact that the Holy Ghost is probably making preparations for his birthday which is a matter of days away. No rest for the blessed.

Said Snipes to CNN:

“We still have prayers out there. We still believe in miracles. So don’t send me up the river yet.”

Is someone going to tell him that he’s asking a fictional character for help? Seriously. He may as well say ‘I’m hoping that Superman has heard my pleas and that he’s gonna come and bust me out of this situation with his laser eyes and junk.‘

The actor has some more praying to do before he reports to McKean Federal Correctional Institution in Lewis Run, Pennsylvania, Thursday where he’ll begin serving a three-year sentence for failing to file tax returns.

He’s also sensibly doing something about it legally because Jesus has clearly got other things to be getting on with (tax returns notoriously turn Jesus off). He’s still waiting on the results of his appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, which is probably going to fail.

“I think any man would be nervous if his liberty is at stake. I’m disappointed that the system seems not to be working for me in this situation.”

The system that is failing him currently is one that is angry about the fact someone may have earned $40 million since 1999 but not bothered to pay any taxes from it. Of course, Snipes disputes this, saying:

“This is another thing that has been misreported: It has been framed that I was a conspirator and that I was an architect in a scheme by an organization that has been characterized as tax protesters.”

“The press hasn’t reported that I was a client of people who I trusted [who] had knowledge and expertise in the areas of tax law that would protect my interests.”

Pardon? Some shadowy advisor told him that they weren’t gonna bother paying taxes and it would all work out just fine? Really?

“It’s been presented as though I’m worthy of this punishment. I’ve been a law-abiding citizen ever since I grew up in the Bronx, New York.”

Apart from paying your taxes since 1999. And some crimes against acting and film-making.

But we’ve got it all wrong.

“There have been some egregious and very malicious efforts to report the facts of this case.”

“They claimed that there was a certain number that was owed and that number has been all over that place. The press has escalated it and changed it a number of times. But we think we are fully complaint with what was owed.”

So he HAS paid his taxes then? So why is he asking Jesus to wash this all away? We’re confused and frankly, beginning to not care. We just want to make stupid jokes at someone’s expense without getting bogged down in all this legal bollocks.

We’ll close with this – Wesley Snipes is going to be someone’s bitch in prison and Jesus is just going to float around him doing nothing because he must be some kind of bearded, celestial pervert or something.

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Remember when Wesley Snipes was an actor? Remember ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ and the Blade trilogy? They were successful weren’t they? He probably made a lot of money off the back of those films.

Sadly, Snipes didn’t fancy paying all that nasty tax that people stick on your wages, leaving him with a really boring criminal record.

Worse still is that Snipes has been ordered to start his three-year sentence for his failure to cough-up his taxes. A not-so lovely stay at a federal prison in Pennsylvania is due to start next week and there’s probably gigantic men already stroking their members in preparation for the appearance of some famous ass in the showers.

The US Marshal’s Office issued a notice ordering Snipes to voluntarily surrender at the Federal Correctional Institution McKean in Lewis Run, Pennsylvania, by noon on December 9th.

Of course, Snipes isn’t just sat in bed smoking tabs and waiting the cops to turn up at his house. Nope, he’s been trying to stay a free bird on bail while appealing his conviction to the US Supreme Court.

The US Supreme Court have, presumably, got more important things to do.

According to documents obtained by TMZ, Snipes got an ominous warning from the U.S. Marshals Service:

“Failure to report at the designated place and time may result in additional criminal charges.”

Snipes can appeal all he wants – it really does look like this is it for him. So, if White Men Can’t Jump, it seems like Actors Can’t Avoid The Law Unless They’re Lindsay Lohan.

Hard cheese Wes. Perhaps you should flash your genitals at some photographers while you still have the chance.

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Now’s the time to start hoarding your special edition Passenger 57 DVDs, because you might not see Wesley Snipes again until 2011.

Now that he’s officially a convicted tax-dodger, Wesley Snipes is waiting to be told his fate, and prosecutors are urging the judge to hit him with the maximum three-year jail sentence, with a $5 million fine thrown in on top.

It sounds particularly harsh, but prosecutors want Wesley Snipes to serve the maximum punishment so it will deter any Wesley Snipes fans who think that not filing your tax returns is cool. Although we’re sure none of them think that – if Wesley Snipes has any fans at all, we’re not even sure they’d be able to spell their own names, let alone file any tax returns.

Celebrities, take this as a warning. If you ever want to get loaded up on drugs and drive your car into incoming motorway traffic, or threaten to kill a man while waving a gun in his face, that’s fine. At best you’ll serve a couple of days in prison. But don’t you dare think about not paying your taxes, or you’ll be thrown away for a three-stretch.

Just look at Wesley Snipes. His issues with taxes have been well-known ever since his 2006 arrest, but now he’s actually a convicted criminal because of it. You see, Wesley Snipes doesn’t believe that the IRS is a properly established government agency, and that he shouldn’t pay taxes because he was a ‘stateless person’.

And thanks to these beliefs, Wesley Snipes didn’t file a tax return in 1999, 2000 or 2001. To be fair, neither would we if it meant telling anyone that we earnt money from a movie called Liberty Stands Still.

Although Wesley Snipes was acquitted of the more serious charges of felony tax fraud and conspiracy – meaning that he escaped a possible 16-year sentence – he was still convicted on three misdemeanour charges of not filing tax returns.

The maximum penalty for that is three years in jail, so you’ll never guess what punishment the prosecutors are pushing the judge to give him. ABC reports:

In a sentencing memorandum filed at a federal court in Florida — on the April 15 tax return filing deadline — the U.S. Justice Department asked a federal judge to sentence the “Blade” actor to three years in prison and pay $5 million in fines. “The sentence for the criminal tax scofflaw must be commensurate with the gravity of the offense, and should act as a deterrent to other potential violators,” federal prosecutors wrote.

That’s all well and good – having seen the movies Demolition Man, Boiling Point and Drop Zone it seems clear that Wesley Snipes can handle himself in jail – but what about us, the Wesley Snipes fans who want nothing more than to see a Blade 4 released sometime before old age turns us blind?

Maybe there’s a workaround here – Wesley Snipes’ screentime in Blade was 43 minutes, his screentime in Blade II was 40 minutes and his screentime in Blade Trinity was 39 minutes. That means that at this rate, Wesley Snipes’ screentime in Blade 4 will be reduced to a three-second scene of him driving past the other actors in a car while whooping to himself. We’re sure that a day-release can be arranged for that sort of thing.

Read more:

Prosecutors Want Prison, Fines for Snipes – ABC

When hecklerspray thinks of PETA, we think of the time they rushed our house and 'rescued' a boa constrictor we were keeping in several shoe boxes we'd taped end-to-end-to-end until it passed our dear old grandmother.

Thanks for that PETA. We only hope you gave her poopy bones a decent burial. Also, we're pretty sure she was holding one of our Wii controllers when the snake done ate her, so if you could sift through that stuff…

Now when Aretha Franklin thinks of PETA, she has a different experience all together. 'Tax saviors' may be the term that first comes to her mind. That's because they've just promised to pay all her back house taxes on one condition… she must kill her only child! With a cheese grater! And meat spices!

That's not true, but wouldn't it be so dramatic? If it was true it probably would have been in the headline.

Think about it.

Aretha Franklin has recently allotted some of her scheduled time away from despising Beyonce, and focused it more on not paying her taxes. Such a lack of governmental interaction is a perk of being a celebrity – just ask that guy from Survivor. Or Marc Anthony. Or Wesley Snipes. Ask them all, actually.

Well Aretha Franklin's big fat fancy house is about to be lost forever because of her tax mishaps. We're sure PETA would rather see Franklin's wardrobe get confiscated by the man, but it won't be. No – it's her house hanging in the balance.

Luckily for Franklin though, PETA is an organisation that can see past her wardrobe sins. They've offered to pay off her back taxes – if Franklin trashes all her furs. Ingrid Newkirk, PETA's evil mastermind, wrote a letter to the hefty singer. Part of which said:

"We would like to help you out by paying the approximate $19,000 in back taxes that you owe – if you'll agree to save animals from hideous suffering and death by promising never to wear fur again and donating your old furs to PETA…Our offer is a win-win situation: You get to keep your home, and animals get to keep their lives. We are rooting for you to please give animals the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that they deserve by giving up fur."

We're pretty sure PETA's trying so desperately to help Franklin because in her old age she looks like a beluga, and if those things aren't endangered they should be. You hear that congress? Put belugas on that one special list you guys always add on to. They're such sweet animals! Do it now!

So demands hecklerspray!

Read More:

Aretha Franklin's PETA Payout – Monsters & Critics