The star of the Blade trilogy, as well as Money Train – we’re not forgetting that one, Wesley – has had some… ‘troubles’, should we say, over the last couple of years. Troubles involving taxes. And how he didn’t bother to pay them between 1999 and 2001, apparently. Maybe he assumed his valuable contribution to movies was payment enough?

Regardless, the vampire-hunting, trash-talking basketballer who likes trains with money on them has been ordered by a federal judge to pay back $217,000 to the government, to cover the legal costs incurred in prosecuting him earlier this year.

Hopefully Wes can pull something like The Marksman 2: The Marksman in Space out of the bag to cover those bills. And use the tagline ‘Wesley. Snipes’. If it hasn’t already been done. And if it hasn’t, hecklerspray gets the copyright on that badboy.

Wesley is currently appealing against the decision to imprison him for three years after he misplaced his tax pen, or whatever his incredible defence for not reporting $11 million of income was, but it looks like this charge is set to stick. While it isn’t the hugest fine in the history of the world, it’s certainly another in the line of examples that the once-Simon Phoenix is being used to set. It would also seem that judges hate him.

When you take into account the fact that Wesley’s crime involved money, and how he didn’t pay it to the government when they say he should then – well, you start to understand why they’re being so harsh.

As we all know, money is the most important thing in the world, more so than a roof over our heads, a hot meal or even the air we breathe. Clearly they’re well within their rights to go overboard on all the charges, even forcing Wesley Snipes to pay for the prosecution that worked against him.

Ah well – it’s one of life’s lessons and one that Willie Mays Hayes is sure to have learned his lesson from, even if it does mean he won’t be able to bankroll Passenger 57 2: Passenger 57 in Space. Which is a crying shame.

To make matters worse for the 46-year-old, he could still end up going to jail for three years when the result of his appeal is decided. On the plus side, Snipes does have a lot of experience at fighting and doing excellent roundhouse kicks, so at least he’ll be able to handle his own in the joint, possibly making something of a name for himself.

Another positive of jail could be the gangland chums he’s sure to make on the inside – all of whom would add a great deal of authenticity when playing ‘Generic Baddie 3′ in Demolition Man 2: Demolition Man in Space.

Never let it be said that hecklerspray don’t try and help – we’re looking for positives, trying to cheer the guy up. It’s not like his real friends are much use.

And because of this, Wesley Snipes was supposed to hand himself over to federal officials next month so he could start his three-year jail sentence for whatever that thing was about taxes that he apparently did. But not so fast – Wesley Snipes isn’t going down without a fight! He’s been granted bail pending an appeal of his conviction.

This could mean that Wesley Snipes might avoid jail completely, although this really is his last pitch for freedom so he needs to give the appeal his absolute all. And you know what that means, Wesley? No more getting rambling boneheaded character witness statements from Woody Harrelson? OK, Wesley? Not even one. Promise us, it’s important.

Wesley Snipes is obviously an intelligent man – after all, he saw the potential in notorious career-hobbling flop Money Train when everyone around him was saying that it was an awful piece of shit – and this is a theory he proved time and time again during his recent tax-dodge trial.

Accused of not filing any tax returns between 1999 and 2001 – apparently gypping the American government out of enough money to buy a really very massive bomb or something in the process – Wesley Snipes always remained calm, rational and able to convince Denzel Washington to compare him to a tree in print whenever he wanted to.

Not that it worked, though – last month Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for his crimes, and everyone packed away their Passenger 57 Original Soundtrack cassettes and hunkered down in the knowledge that the earliest we’d ever see White Men Can’t Jump 2: Nope, Still Not Great With The Jumping Thing would be some time after the year 2011. Wesley Snipes, it seemed, was done for.

Except actually he wasn’t – because once again Wesley Snipes is a free man. For a while. Until he gets an appeal, at least. Reuters reports:

Snipes’ lawyers and court officials in Ocala, Florida, said a judge had granted a request by the star of the “Blade” movie series to remain free on bond while he tries to overturn his federal tax convictions. U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges wrote that he was “dubious” of Snipes appeal arguments. In arguments for bail, his lawyers wrote that Snipes was “actively engaged in resolving his liabilities with the IRS civilly” and a meeting with the agency was scheduled for next week.

It would seem, then, that Wesley Snipes’ appeal will involve him throwing wads of money at the IRS and screaming “Jesus, I’m sorry, OK? I’m SORRY! Sheesh!”

Which, you have to admit, is more constructive than anything Wesley Snipes did during his main trial – where his arguments ranged from how he wasn’t actually a citizen of America but he just happened to live there and used its stuff all the time to how the IRS doesn’t actually exist like everyone says it does. And he got convicted for that. We know. Crazy.

Good luck, Wesley Snipes – the wishes of all rubbishy direct-to-DVD movie fans are with you.

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets bail pending appeal in tax case – Reuters

No really, thanks. All Wesley Snipes wanted to you to do was write a heartfelt character reference to stop a judge from sending him to jail for three years on a tax evasion charge, and you ended up jabbering on about how close together your birthdays are. You really are a great big dipshit.

In fact, it’s probably all your fault that Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail yesterday. But you’ve only hurt yourself, you know – now that Wesley Snipes is in jail, you can kiss goodbye to any notion you had about making Money Train 2: Money Train In Space before 2011.

Let this be a lesson to all potential tax-dodgers – not filing your taxes is officially 192,292 times more serious than driving into oncoming traffic blasted off your mind on drugs. Because when Nicole Richie did the latter she spent 82 minutes in jail, but now that Wesley Snipes has been convicted of the former he’s been sentenced to three years in jail.

That’s not a total surprise – we learnt that Wesley Snipes could face a three-year jail sentence earlier this month – but in a justice system that usually goes light on celebrities whether they’ve illegally bought some guns or allegedly shot a woman in the face, it’s quite rare for a star to get lumbered with a maximum sentence for anything.

But that’s what happened yesterday – after being found guilty of not filing tax returns for three consecutive years, Wesley Snipes was handed the greatest punishment available to the judge. Nothing – not claiming that the IRS doesn’t properly exist, not begging that his children will go to sleep crying if he went to jail – could stop it. And, as the New York Daily News reports, Wesley Snipes knows exactly why he’s going to jail:

The actor read a statement, apologizing for his “costly mistakes,” but never mentioned taxes. “I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance,” Snipes said.

Hard to disagree with that – statistically, the 1994 Wesley Snipes skydiving crime caper Drop Zone is the most spiritually-motivated movie in the history of cinema.

But, really, if anyone is to blame for Wesley Snipes’ incarceration then it’s Woody bloody Harrelson. Just the other day Wesley Snipes asked Woody to write a character reference to convince the judge to keep him out of jail, and Woody Harrelson ended up scribbling down some half-baked anecdote about how his birthday is quite close to Wesley Snipes’ birthday and the time they both met Goldie Hawn once.

It didn’t work – of course it didn’t work. It was just about the most boneheaded thing that he could have possibly written. But, although he’s a hopeless stoner idiot, Woody Harrelson is a good-natured hopeless stoner idiot and we’re sure he’ll try and make it up to Wesley Snipes somehow. Maybe he’ll just maintain a comforting correspondence throughout Wesley’s sentence – after all, trying to decipher a regular series of formless rambles about absolutely nothing at all will be just the thing to stop Wesley Snipes from losing his mind in jail. Right?

Read more:

Wesley Snipes gets 3 years for tax convictions – New York Daily News