You may not be able to put a face to the name Ryan O’Neal without looking at his picture, right. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read this article. That’s because O’Neal is a monumentally fucked-up man, and you love a bit of that, right? Scum.

See, Ryan was famously the partner of Farrah Fawcett… and well, he’s been addicted to meth and, according to his daughter, he keeps trying to have sex with his children.

That’s got your attention hasn’t it?

His daughter, Tatum has made various claims against her pa, saying in her autobiography, that Ryan abused her physically and emotionally as a kid – not surprising if he was strung out all the time. In Ryan O’Neal’s defence, he is on record as saying:

“It is a sad day when malicious lies are told in order to become a ‘best-seller’.”

One of the accusations is that Ryan took his daughter on holiday with her friend, Melanie Griffith. She caught him shagging her, which is nice. Still, that’s small-fry when you consider that he’s tried hitting on his own daughter too.

Ryan infamously tried to flirt with his Tatum O’Neal while at the funeral of his long-term partner Farrah Fawcett, which is in delightfully poor taste.

Tatum says:

“My father doesn’t really remember what I look like. He sees blond hair, a black dress, and to him, that’s just a chick. A girl. He didn’t know it was me, so he kind of swooped in, and I had to remind him he was 70, and I was his daughter. That’s the second time that’s happened to me with him, but you know, he lives in another world.”

Amazing.

Yet, despite all this, recovering smackhead Tatum (she doesn’t do things by half does she?) decided it might be a good idea to star in a reality show with her mental dad called ‘Ryan and Tatum: The O’Neals’.

“The term ‘reality show’ is really scary because there’s been some really bad programming. What we did was something very different. It’s deep. I sort of thought it would be fun to work with my dad again, in some weird way.

“He’s never yet said he’s the guy that I’ve portrayed him as in my book – first book or second book – so I thought perhaps he’d have that ‘aha moment’ and he’d be like, ‘You know what, I’m really sorry, Tatum. You didn’t have to have the life you had, and I’m here, and I take responsibility.’ That didn’t happen. But oh well. I think it’s interesting television.”

There’s going to be the world’s most awkward sex scene isn’t there? *pukes into hand*

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Farrah Fawcett’s death wasn’t just overshadowed by Michael Jackson’s death – it was comprehensively out-weirded.

And that’s almost impossible. Because even though Michael Jackson left behind a bunch of kids that weren’t really his, an ex-wife who doesn’t really want access to her own children and an abusive father who was deliberately cut out of his will, Farrah Fawcett left behind her boyfriend Ryan O’Neal. And that’s much better. Much much much better.

Because Ryan O’Neal has admitted, in print, in a widely-read magazine, that he spent some of Farrah Fawcett’s funeral attempting to hook up with his own daughter. Genius.

Of all the casualties claimed in the great celebrity cull of summer 2009, Farrah Fawcett was probably the saddest. She didn’t die of old age like Ed McMahon. She didn’t die of a ridiculous dose of a medical-grade anaesthetic to which she was hopelessly addicted like Michael Jackson. She died of a disease that she’d been bravely trying to keep at bay for three long years, and the fact that her death was brushed aside because someone more famous died a few hours later is nothing short of tragic.

But regardless of all that, so long as Farrah Fawcett was given a dignified funeral attended by people who loved her, none of that would matter. And, really, it’s not difficult to bring dignity to a funeral. All you need to do is keep quiet, look sad and, for the love of god, don’t fail to recognise your estranged daughter to the extent that you start chatting her up when she tries to reintroduce herself into your life. Not if she once won an Oscar for a film she starred in with you. Not at your own girlfriend’s funeral.

But there’s a chance that Ryan O’Neal didn’t get the memo for that last rule, given that that’s exactly what he did to his daughter Tatum O’Neal during Farrah Fawcett’s funeral. How do we know this? Because he’s quite openly admitted it to Vanity Fair, that’s why:

“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me… I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me–Tatum!’ I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so sick.” “That’s our relationship in a nutshell,” Tatum said. “He was always a ladies’ man.”

It’s a creepy story, yes, but remember that it took place during a funeral, so emotions were obviously running high at the time, and that may have clouded Ryan O’Neal’s judgement slightly. And it’s also sort of sweet – maybe Ryan O’Neal was just demonstrating a residual fondness for his estranged daughter in a way that momentarily made sense to his grief-stricken mind.

Oh what the hell, we’ll go with that. Yes, this is definitely the sweetest story we’ve ever heard about a man who once fired a gun at his own son trying to have sex with his crack addict daughter at the funeral of his girlfriend who’d just died of bum cancer.

Although if you know of any sweeter stories about that precise circumstance, we’d love to hear them.

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Indications that your family is effed, volume 12: When Tatum O’Neal looks like the wisest, most together member of your gene pool.

By that right, the O’Neal family don’t stand a chance. On Wednesday Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were both arrested for the possession of methamphetamine during a routine probation sweep of their house, and it’s taken Tatum O’Neal to bring some perspective to the matter.

Yes, Tatum O’Neal – the woman who’s kissed Michael Jackson with tongues, claims to have had an orgy with Melanie Griffith, lost custody of her kids because she was wasted on heroin all the time and was recently arrested for trying to buy crack in New York – has put the Ryan O’Neal drug arrest into perspective. In summary, that perspective is as follows: Yeesh.

On the basis that wisdom comes from experience, Tatum O’Neal must be one of the most insightful people on Earth. She won an Oscar when she was 11, had a drug-addict mother and an angry father who she apparently once caught with his bits stuck up Melanie Griffith. She claims to have been sexually abused as a child, had a volatile marriage to John McEnroe and was Michael Jackson’s first love. Tatum O’Neal isn’t just a woman – she’s the walking physical representation of The Jeremy Kyle Show.

So who’d be better placed to reflect upon this week’s drug arrest of Ryan O’Neal and his son than Ryan’s own daughter Tatum?

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that someone who wasn’t recently arrested for buying a big bag of crack would probably be better placed to discuss Ryan O’Neal’s arrest. But you’re wrong. It means that Tatum O’Neal doesn’t just share some genes with Ryan O’Neal, or a deep lingering bitterness about never managing to fulfill her professional potential, or questionable parenting skills, but also what might just be a fondness for illegal substances.

Honestly, Tatum O’Neal and Ryan O’Neal are so similar that talking to Tatum is just like talking to Ryan but without the constant feeling that you’re going to get a gun fired in your direction.

So, with that in mind, what’s Tatum O’Neal’s take on her dad and brother getting arrested on drug charges? People reports:

“I’m really worried about Redmond. I want them both to get better and get the help they need. [Addiction] runs in families. It’s a disease. I’m praying for both of them. I’m praying for my whole family. I hope Red will get treatment. That’s what he needs. There is hope for Redmond. He deserves to have the life a [young man] – going to school, hanging out with friends, getting a job. I wish the best for him.”

Actually, Tatum O’Neal is spot-on here. The last thing anyone needs is to see Redmond O’Neal destroy himself with drugs. Otherwise what are they going to do if Hollywood suddenly decides to make a sequel to The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars? Recast the role of Squirt, the eighth male lead? Please.

Anyway, we always try to look on the positive, and that’s no different now. Maybe Tatum O’Neal taking the time to speak out about Ryan and Redmond O’Neal will mend the fractured relationships between father, son and daughter and they can all start afresh.

It’ll be hard, but if they all work really hard and try to talk they can get there. And if they can’t, we hear methamphetamine is really good for increased talkativeness and stuff. Maybe they should give that a go.

When Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence.

She had millions of them – that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.

And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?

The E! network needs to stop pissing about with these halfhearted reality TV shows about the Lohans and get a camera crew down to the O'Neals' place as fast as possible. They sound like dynamite entertainment.

Would you watch a reality TV show about Lindsay Lohan's mother banging on about her youngest daughter's non-existent music career? No you wouldn't. But would you watch a reality TV show about a family who attack each other with guns and pokers because they keep tying each other to banisters like dogs? Of course you would. That'd be all you ever watched.

And,needless to say, the star of the show would be Tatum O'Neal. Why? Because she used to be married to John McEnroe until they divorced and her ginormous drug habit meant that she lost custody of her kids, for starters. But also because she can improvise like the best of them.

Last month, for example, Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack in a police sting operation. But, as quick as you like, Tatum O'Neal said that her dog died and that it reminded her of when her mother died from drug addiction and the depression from that made her want to take drugs again after a long period of abstinence and the police arrested her before she could get addicted again and, gosh, she was buying drugs? She really had no idea.

It was a virtuoso performance, but it was short-lived. Tatum O'Neal's conscience has finally kicked in and she's pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court. Still, that hasn't stopped the judge from absolutely throwing the book at her, as BBC News reports:

The Manhattan judge told the star her case would be dismissed providing she attends a drug treatment clinic. The actress will return to court on 4 September to prove that she has attended two half-day sessions.

Did we say book? We meant pamphlet. The judge threw the pamphlet at her. And 'threw' seems a bit strong, too. Let's just say that the judge passed Tatum O'Neal a pamphlet and be done with it, OK?

Still, we've always said that if anything can stop a recovering addict's constant longing for drugs, it's two half-day sessions at a drug treatment clinic. Somebody should probably tell Amy Winehouse.

Anyway, now that she's firmly on the straight and narrow once again, Tatum O'Neal can refocus on slowly rebuilding her place in the Hollywood elite. A few months of hard work and, who knows, perhaps she'll even reach the giddy heights of her one-off 2004 cameo appearance in a single episode of the soon-cancelled US sitcom 8 Simple Rules again. We can but dream.

We’ve been wondering for days if Tatum O’Neal really did love her dog. Well, praise Jeebus, we have an answer!

Tatum O’Neal’s dog groomer has come along to confirm that Tatum did, in fact, love her dog, and also to defend Tatum saying that her doggy’s death was the reason for her attempted cocaine buying escapades earlier this week.

This may seem like a bunch of stupid nonsense from one deluded twit about another deluded twit who used her dead dog as a deluded, twitty excuse to buy drugs, but it’s not.

We forget why, though…

Tatum O’Neal has made it abundantly clear that she has had problems with drugs and alcohol throughout her life. After winning an Oscar at the age of 10, her life has been tainted by being molested as a child, being neglected by her mother, surviving an emotionally abusive father and his bachelor ways, finding John McEnroe attractive… all sorts of travesties.

So, when Tatum O’Neal’s 16-year-old Scottish terrier, Lena, died recently, Tatum had an emotional breakdown – not to mention a complete lapse in the mental coherency that would lead pretty much every other human on the planet to not go buying illegal stuff because their pet died – she unsuccessfully tried to buy some crack.

But before you go off saying ‘A dead dog is your embarrassing excuse, Tatum?! Pah!’, let’s hear from the one true expert on the situation: Tatum’s dog groomer, Jorge Bendersky. He gave details to OK! about Tatum’s love for her ridiculously old pooch:

“She loved that dog. She would bring her here super-often. I have so many clients, I can see them going through stuff with their dog; it’s devastating. And somebody who has the inclination, or had a path with some trouble, it could push you over the edge, more when you are attached to the dog as you are.”

This is why people with substance abuse issues like Tatum should start out with a fern or a bush or something, so that when it died she’d only lose her marbles enough to try and score some pot or go sniff a jar of rubber cement glue.

As unfortunate as the situation is, it makes one wonder what she would have tried to buy if she’d lost an actual human being. Automatic weapons with armour-piercing bullets? A nuclear warhead? A box set of Drew Barrymore movies? Yes, we’re as terrified as you are. Let’s just all pray she’s better able to handle her grief should such a situation arrive.

If we’d just been arrested for buying a bunch of crack and powder cocaine, we’d be fairly grumpy about it – start the day without crack? We’re not animals!

However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.

What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.

Crack cocaine is no joke – it can cause convulsions, nausea, high blood pressure, anxiety, strokes and – in the case of Tatum O’Neal – the ability to dream up all manner of rapid-fire bullshit excuses at the drop of a hat. Or at least that’s what it looks like.

Yesterday we told you how Oscar-winning actress Tatum O’Neal had been arrested for buying crack during a sting operation in New York. That in itself isn’t exactly a grand surprise – not only did Tatum O’Neal once lose custody of her kids to John McEnroe because she was all spazzed out on heroin, but her family is such a gang of drug-mullered buttmunches that Sundays at theirs regularly involve gun fights, head injuries and boys tied to banisters like dogs.

So, now that she’s been arrested, the celebrity guidebook says that Tatum O’Neal should lie and cheat and plead not guilty and force a number of delays to proceedings in order to force a plea bargain out of the prosecutors and then snap it up as fast as she can.

But, since she’s technically not really a celebrity any more, Tatum O’Neal has tried a different tactic – she’s praising the police for catching her before she got to smoke any of that horrible crack and she didn’t even know it was crack anyway and boo hoo her dog’s dead and her mum’s dead too. Entertainment Weekly reports:

”I’m still sober! Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me. I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct.” The actress says the death of her 16-year-old dog sent her into the downward spiral that ended with her hitting Manhattan’s Lower East Side on Sunday night in search of drugs. ”It triggered that my mother passed away [from addiction] in ’98″… O’Neal told the Post that she didn’t even realize she was buying crack. ”It’s both?” she asked the Post reporter. ”I didn’t even know what I was buying!”

It’s certainly fortunate that police managed to arrest Tatum O’Neal at the exact moment that she was about to try cocaine for the first time in who knows how many years. What are the odds of that happening?

Still, at least this miraculous arrest means that our fears of Tatum O’Neal being a drug addict are completely unfounded. Had the police not arrested her at the exact moment that they did, then Tatum O’Neal would have a fully-fledged addiction again, but because they did she’s as clean as a whistle and as straight as an arrow.

Yup, Tatum O’Neal is definitely clean, and her story completely holds up because it’s not like she’s about to go to rehab for treatment is it? Is it, anonymous law enforcement source quoted by the New York Daily News?

“She’s going to go to her own, high-priced, out-of-the-spotlight rehab to get clean – again.”

Oh.

Think of Tatum O’Neal and you’ll probably think of the adorable 10-year-old who won an Oscar for singing Keep Your Sunny Side Up in Paper Moon.

Unless you’ve happened to hear the news about Tatum O’Neal getting arrested for allegedly buying crack and powder cocaine in an NYPD sting yesterday, of course, in which case you probably see Tatum O’Neal as a hellish cross between Amy Winehouse and, well, Ryan O’Neal. Don’t dwell on that for too long, by the way. It’ll scar you.

But, yes, Tatum O’Neal has been arrested for apparently buying crack. A former child star getting in trouble with drugs – honestly, wonders will never cease.

Thanks to their pan-generational successes and award-winning glory, the O’Neals are like Hollywood royalty. And it’s nice that they’re good at something because, seriously, they’re effing useless at everything else.

The O’Neals were responsible for perhaps our favourite-ever hecklerspray story, when Ryan O’Neal fired a gun at his son Griffin O’Neal because Griffin O’Neal was thrashing a metal fireplace poker around and hit his girlfriend in the head with it during a dispute that had something to do with Redmond O’Neal being chained to the staircase like a dog. That’s so impressive on so many different levels that it’s not even news any more – it’s art.

But it’s not quite perfect, because Tatum O’Neal didn’t have anything to do with it. You know, Tatum O’Neal – the youngest-ever Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner. The woman from one episode of Sex And The City and 28 episodes of that crappy Denis Leary show about the fireman. The woman who married John McEnroe, got addicted to heroin and lost custody of her children. Tatum O’Neal. You remember.

Anyway, Tatum O’Neal has been making up for lost time – because she’s just been arrested on suspicion of buying crack and powder cocaine from a New York dealer in a police sting operation. Reuters reports:

Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal was arrested in New York on Sunday for buying crack cocaine, CNN reported on Monday. O’Neal, 44, was arrested after she was seen making a purchase from a drug dealer, CNN reported on its Web site, citing New York police.

We should point out here that Tatum O’Neal hasn’t been charged with anything yet because, although she was seen buying something from a drug dealer and was then caught with what appeared to be crack in her possession, she might not have bought crack from the drug dealer. Perhaps it accidentally fell into her pocket as she was buying his services as a childrens’ entertainer, or maybe what he actually sold her was a bag of human teeth. Easily mistakable, don’t you know.

But if Tatum O’Neal was buying crack for herself, then the recovery from her addiction will be far more painful than this arrest, especially since the drug rehabilitation of choice in the O’Neal family involves a banister, a dog chain, a fireplace poker and a gun. But on the plus side, a public battle with crack addiction does have its benefits – Tatum’s chances of copping off with the dirty-looking pensioner from Babyshambles has like doubled or something.