Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
You may not be able to put a face to the name Ryan O’Neal without looking at his picture, right. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read this article. That’s because O’Neal is a monumentally fucked-up man, and you love a bit of that, right? Scum.
See, Ryan was famously the partner of Farrah Fawcett… and well, he’s been addicted to meth and, according to his daughter, he keeps trying to have sex with his children.
That’s got your attention hasn’t it?
Farrah Fawcett’s death wasn’t just overshadowed by Michael Jackson’s death – it was comprehensively out-weirded.
And that’s almost impossible. Because even though Michael Jackson left behind a bunch of kids that weren’t really his, an ex-wife who doesn’t really want access to her own children and an abusive father who was deliberately cut out of his will, Farrah Fawcett left behind her boyfriend Ryan O’Neal. And that’s much better. Much much much better.
Because Ryan O’Neal has admitted, in print, in a widely-read magazine, that he spent some of Farrah Fawcett’s funeral attempting to hook up with his own daughter. Genius.
Indications that your family is effed, volume 12: When Tatum O’Neal looks like the wisest, most together member of your gene pool.
By that right, the O’Neal family don’t stand a chance. On Wednesday Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were both arrested for the possession of methamphetamine during a routine probation sweep of their house, and it’s taken Tatum O’Neal to bring some perspective to the matter.
Yes, Tatum O’Neal – the woman who’s kissed Michael Jackson with tongues, claims to have had an orgy with Melanie Griffith, lost custody of her kids because she was wasted on heroin all the time and was recently arrested for trying to buy crack in New York – has put the Ryan O’Neal drug arrest into perspective. In summary, that perspective is as follows: Yeesh.
When Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence.
She had millions of them – that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.
And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?
We’ve been wondering for days if Tatum O’Neal really did love her dog. Well, praise Jeebus, we have an answer!
Tatum O’Neal’s dog groomer has come along to confirm that Tatum did, in fact, love her dog, and also to defend Tatum saying that her doggy’s death was the reason for her attempted cocaine buying escapades earlier this week.
This may seem like a bunch of stupid nonsense from one deluded twit about another deluded twit who used her dead dog as a deluded, twitty excuse to buy drugs, but it’s not.
We forget why, though…
If we’d just been arrested for buying a bunch of crack and powder cocaine, we’d be fairly grumpy about it – start the day without crack? We’re not animals!
However, Tatum O’Neal is positively thrilled that the police caught her buying crack in a sting operation. According to her it was apparently the first time she’d bought herself any crack after years of sobriety, and the arrest was like a rough, humiliating intervention from Jesus Christ himself.
What’s more, Tatum O’Neal says that she only turned to crack because her dog died. Seriously. Maybe this is where Amy Winehouse went so wrong – she’d have been an angelic little choirgirl if her guinea pig hadn’t got the sniffles when she was six and a half.
Think of Tatum O’Neal and you’ll probably think of the adorable 10-year-old who won an Oscar for singing Keep Your Sunny Side Up in Paper Moon.
Unless you’ve happened to hear the news about Tatum O’Neal getting arrested for allegedly buying crack and powder cocaine in an NYPD sting yesterday, of course, in which case you probably see Tatum O’Neal as a hellish cross between Amy Winehouse and, well, Ryan O’Neal. Don’t dwell on that for too long, by the way. It’ll scar you.
But, yes, Tatum O’Neal has been arrested for apparently buying crack. A former child star getting in trouble with drugs – honestly, wonders will never cease.
