Miley Cyrus has got herself a new tattoo. That’s the kind of news your worthless lives needed to hear when you woke up this morning. Miley’s tattoos give your otherwise pointless day some meaning, right?

And what tattoo has she got? Well, one source close to the singer says she’s got a spider’s web on her scalp, while another pal says she’s got ‘All Cops Are Bastards’ across her left knuckle. Another source, meanwhile, claims that Cyrus has got a design of a rat, surfing on a bin lid across a sea made of dolphin guts.

However, there’s another source coming forward who is probably the one to listen to and when you hear her words, you may well want to cane a bong, Miley-style, to stop yourself from wanting to end your own life.

Of course, you’ll know that Miley has a few tattoos already – alas, not one of them features on her eerily long gums.

Now the singer-actress-annoyance has added a dream catcher on her torso to her collection of already piss-poor tats. Get that? A dream catcher? Jesus wept, she’s going to regret that one in a few years’ time. A dream catcher tattoo is the rich dippy kid’s version of an Eeyore tramp-stamp.

Miley’s friend, who is presumably always keen to make a fast buck on Miley’s every fart and burp, decided to let everyone know what this awful, awful tattoo meant. Apart from, y’know, the fact it means money can’t buy a young woman taste.

“It’s a picture of the dream catcher that hangs over her bed with four feathers to represent her four brothers and sisters – the dream catcher is to protect them”

Now, this is quite a novel protection system. Most people protect themselves with guns in America, rather than vaguely hippyish tattoos of bits of wood and string. In fact, she would have been better issuing her siblings with a specially designed gun which fired out actual dream catchers at advancing trouble.

Imagine the indignity of being knocked-out cold by a stupid dream catcher.

Miley adds this stupid design to heart and a small cross on her fingers, the word ‘love’ on her ear and the phrase ‘just breathe’ on her rib cage. Even though the latter sounds like instructions for a person to stupid to breathe, it is in fact a tribute of a friend who died of cystic fibrosis. Shame on you for sneering in advance.

The friend added:

“All of Miley’s tattoos have a deep meaning to her. They all represent family and friends close to her”

As you can see, Miley is dealing with the big themes of the world there, like philosophy, life and… er… the people who lived in a house with her for most of her life.

Next week: Miley gets a tattoo concerning the fridge her mum had for years.

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Children react in different ways to their parents getting divorced. Some see it as a good thing because they can play them off against each other in the quest for presents and treats. Others go off the rails and end up sniffing aerosols in derelict factories.

And so it begins with Miley Cyrus. You see, we told you about her parents growing achy-breaky-apart and formally announcing that they loathe each other… and now, Cyrus is spotted out and about with a full sleeve of tattoos.

We haven’t seen the needlework yet, but we’re assuming it just says “ANGUISH” from her elbow to her wrist along with a picture of her mum and dad on fire.

Yes indeed! The word is that Miley Cyrus has been spotted sporting a huge tattoo on her forearm when she was out with her chums at the Bourgeois Pig restaurant in Los Feliz. Presumably, the Hoity Ewe and Elitist Bovine were fully booked that night.

The Hannah Montana star was also noted for wearing an incredibly short dress. So short was it that you could see what she’d had for her lunch the day before.

Of course, this all reeks of the doings of a child damaged by bickering parents. Short skirts are just a gateway to leaked sex-tapes and tattoos are one step away from shacking up with an fly-brained rock star with a big dong.

It’s all going to get ugly and, of course, hecklerspray will be on-hand with entirely factual reports of the fallout.

There is, of course, the chance that this tattoo is a temporary transfer or a henna job, which means that all our speculations are wildly wrong.

Again.

However, Miley does have some tattoos already She has tattoo on her ear which says “Love” and the phrase “Just Breathe” on her chest.

It’s rumoured that she has the obligatory ‘All Cops Are Bastards’ across her knuckles as well and rumour has it that she has the face of Bill Cosby inked into her scalp.

Anyway, as you were.

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Angelina Jolie has physically changed since the birth of her twins, and not just because now you could easily drive a tractor up her birth canal.

No. Instead, Angelina Jolie has decided to change by getting two more tattoos etched onto her left arm to commemorate the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. According to reports, the tattoos come in the form of map coordinates explaining exactly where the twins were born.

They’re not the only coordinate tattoos Angelina Jolie has – in fact, she’s a long-time proponent of them. Angelina Jolie’s arm also bears the coordinates of the birthplace of Maddox, the birthplace of Zahara, the birthplace of Shiloh Nouvel, the birthplace of Pax Thien and the exact location of where Angelina Jolie decided to steal Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston forever.

Good news, wrongheaded Angelina Jolie stalkers. Up until now you probably just wanted to kidnap Angelina Jolie to either get ransom money from Brad Pitt or to just see what her hair smells like, but now you’ve got an added bonus – because the location of your next five holidays are written on Angelina Jolie’s arm.

That’s right, you lucky mentals – Angelina Jolie has the map coordinates of the locations where each of her children were born tattooed on her left arm, and she’s just had the list updated to include the birth locations of her two twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

Imagine – if you got possession of those coordinates you could fly around the world to each of the locations, knowing that you’re standing exactly where Angelina Jolie flopped her placenta out onto the floor or, to be more precise, where the mothers of Angelina Jolie’s adopted babies flopped their placentas out onto the floor. Either way, what’s to stop you going to those places and licking the floor, you disgusting weirdo.

Anyway, regardless of your undeniably creepy intentions, Angelina Jolie showed off her new tattoos during her much-hyped visit to New York, as The Telegraph reports:

The actress showed off the latest addition to her extensive collection of body art at the New York Film Festival screening of her new film, Changeling. The two lines of blue script on her upper left arm detail the longitudinal and latitudinal location of Nice, where Knox and Vivienne were born in July. They are inscribed directly below four similar lines of coordinates which represent the birthplaces of her other four children.

As sweet a gesture as this seems, you shouldn’t be fooled. Angelina Jolie basically uses the tattoos as proof of purchase for her adopted kids. This way it’s much easier for her to return them if one of them goes defective.

Plus, this is obviously a worrying trend, and it genuinely makes us fear for the future. Look, if Angelina Jolie decides to have the longitudinal and latitudinal coordinates of her childrens’ birthplaces tattooed on her body, then it’s only going to get copied by Heat readers. And do you really want to see armies of fat chavs stumbling around with the coordinates for ‘outside KFC’ or ‘my Nan’s toilet’ or ‘all over the Wetherspoons carpet’ scrawled all over their arms? No. No you don’t.

What’s more, we’re worried for Angelina Jolie. If she keeps collecting babies at the rate she’s going, and if she insists on having their birth locations tattooed on her arms after each one, the poor woman’s going to need an arm extension put in before Christmas. And those things hurt.

You might not realise it by the way she constantly totters around everywhere in ridiculous shoes being all like ‘hey, look at me’, but Mariah Carey actually has a lot of dignity.

This is obvious from the way that Mariah Carey kept quiet about her marriage to Nick Cannon. She knows that weddings are sacred and personal and she doesn’t want to sully that by making it public. That’s our definition of dignity.

Our definition of dignity also includes a) confirming your marriage to People magazine, b) selling your wedding photos to the same magazine, c) yammering on endlessly about your marriage to the magazine like a froth-mouthed nutbag, and d) getting a marriage-proclaiming tattoo across your back so even people who you aren’t directly looking at can see that you’re married. Mariah Carey has done all of these things recently.

Perhaps we need to buy a new dictionary.

Mariah Carey isn’t an idiot. True, there’s a chance that having a conversation with her might be about as fun as having a conversation with two tennis balls in a string bag, but she’s not an idiot by any means.

Although Mariah Carey may have launched into a harebrained marriage to Nick Cannon last week after knowing him for approximately a tenth of a nanosecond, but that doesn’t mean she’s taken leave of her senses. As we revealed yesterday, Mariah Carey definitely got a prenup before she married Nick Cannon. That means that when the marriage inevitably sours after a couple of months, Mariah can just cut Nick Cannon loose and carry on as if he never existed.

Except, you know, for the massive ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattoo that Mariah Carey’s had etched into her back forever. Whoops.

Mariah Carey has at last officially confirmed her marriage to Nick Cannon via People magazine, where she also sold her wedding photos. And in the accompanying interview, Mariah Carey also got to reveal that her marriage wasn’t a stupid last-minute affair because they’d known each other for, like, almost a month and she’d already had his name written indelibly on her skin which is a bit like marriage anyway. BBC News reports:

“We really do feel we are soul mates – I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me,” the 38-year-old told People magazine.” It was a love-at-first-sight thing. Since we’ve been together, we’ve been inseparable,” Cannon told the magazine. According to People, Cannon had proposed to the singer on the rooftop of her New York apartment building just five days before their wedding. The singer dismissed reports their marriage was as last minute as reported: “One thing [few people] knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my tattoo wasn’t surprised,” she said.

So if Mariah Carey has had ‘Mrs Cannon’ tattooed across her back, what has Nick Cannon got? ‘Mr Cannon’? Boy, will he ever look stupid when he and Mariah get divorced!

That’s assuming that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon do get divorced, of course, which is unlikely – historically the abnormally sudden tattooed declaration of love route usually has a happy ending, doesn’t it.

And anyway, even if Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon do quickly divorce because the marriage was a failure from the instant it was first suggested, all Mariah carey needs to do to stop looking like an idiot is to quickly marry someone else with the surname Cannon. May we suggest 1980s comedian Tommy Cannon or comicbook artist Zander Cannon – or even 112-years dead Mormon church Quorum member Abraham Hoagland Cannon if she really wants to do the whole himbo thing again.

Read more:

Mariah confirms marriage to actor – BBC

It's becoming slightly traditional for rumours of a Jay-Z/ Beyonce marriage to surface every December, but this this time it looks like they might have been spot-on.

Reports are surfacing that Jay-Z and Beyonce properly went and got married during a trip to Paris last week. They're completely unconfirmed rumours, of course, but we'll soon see how true they are because apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce both got their fingers tattooed instead of swapping wedding rings. That doesn't necessarily mean we should all strain our eyes trying to look for infinitesimal markings on Jay-Z and Beyonce's fingers, though – the signs will be much more obvious than that. On the basis that they both let a Frenchman tattoo their fingers last week, we just need to look out for the 'Beyonce Has One Giant Septic Hand Covered In Pus' headlines to confirm everything we need to know.

Beyonce and Jay-Z make a lovely couple, they really do. Whether they're popping up in each other's music videos, relentlessly hawking a variety of products in commercials or just sneaking around pretending to get married every couple of days, Beyonce and Jay-Z never look anything other than contented. Well, occasionally badly bruised too, but mostly contented. 

But despite looking happy enough as a couple, Jay-Z and Beyonce have never got round to getting married. Sure, they both say that they want to get married, and every time they go on holiday people start shrieking that it's because they're getting married, but it never happens.

But it's happened now. Possibly. We think.

It has been suggested that Jay-Z and Beyonce used a trip to Paris last week to get married in secret, and that they received special little finger tattoos to make sure they stay true to one another. According to a source, Jay-Z and Beyonce:

"Didn't want all the attention that usually follows them around, they just wanted it to be intimate and romantic. It was lovely and they are both blissfully happy. They thought the tattoos would be a lovely personal touch."

Uh-oh, a marriage in Paris. That means that, by the time you wake up tomorrow morning, a French model is going to be talking about how Beyonce thinks that sperm makes her spotty.

Anyway, we hear that the Jay-Z/ Beyonce wedding was just adorable to watch. For the vows, for instance, Beyonce sang and stretched out the words "to have and to hold" alone to last more than 15 minutes, with Jay-Z interrupting two-thirds of the way through to do a 25-second rap about how rich he is. Beautiful.

That's if Beyonce and Jay-Z really did get married – nobody knows for sure. One thing's for certain, though – all this mystique surrounding the wedding has turned something we absolutely don't give a badger's chuff about into something we still don't give a badger's chuff about but could use as an excuse to crack out some lazy jokes about stereotypical French uncleanliness.

Read more:

Has Beyonce Married Jay-Z? – Metro