With that in mind, if we were Solange Knowles we’d get a little bit tetchy with people who compare us to Beyonce. No, more than that, we’d actually throw an embarrassing full-on sulky tantrum on television if someone even said the name ‘Beyonce’ within earshot of us. We would. We’d look like total bellends doing it, and it’d probably harm our career quite profoundly, but a little thing like that wouldn’t stop us.

Funnily enough it wouldn’t stop Solange Knowles either. A hapless presenter on a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show happened to mention Beyonce’s name just before a Solange Knowles interview yesterday, and Solange threw an incredible schoolmarmish hoity toity “Mer mer mer” prissy little tantrum at her for it.

Video footage? Why of course there’s video footage…

Imagine living your whole life in Beyonce’s shadow. Literally. Imagine literally living your whole life in the actual shadow cast by Beyonce’s giant arse. Imagine dragging your vitamin D-sapped body to school every day, bones aching and muscles spasming, only to hear Beyonce inform everyone that they’re not ready for her jelly while at the same time your jelly’s gone a bit stale and plasticy because it was ready for ages but nobody wanted it. Imagine that. Imagine exactly that.

It’d be rubbish – and it’s precisely what Solange Knowles has had to put up with for years – which probably explains why Solange has turned into such a cow about it.

For those not in the know, Solange Knowles is Beyonce’s little sister. She’s an actress, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a singer, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a model, but… yeah, you guessed.

So when Solage Knowles does something of her own, she doesn’t want it crushed by an association with her more successful sister. That’s why, according to reports, Solange’s people banned the media from mentioning Beyonce’s name at any point during the promotion of her new album.

Which clearly didn’t get back to the presenter of the presenter of a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show, who happened to mention the B word during an introduction to an interview with Solange. Want to know what Solange did? Of course you do – here you go…

Our favourite bit of that video isn’t the stroppy little tantrum, or the way that a producer had to wade in midway through to clear the mess up – it was the way that Solange Knowles instantly clicked back into PR mode afterwards, describing her new album in a flat robot monotone with all the fizz of a pensioner trying to sell a bag of dust to a hatstand. Superb stuff.

Solange apparently hasn’t issued an apology or an explanation regarding her little flare-up, but she doesn’t really have to – in fact, in Solange really wants to set herself apart from Beyonce, then she should probably do it by being as abruptly aggressive as she can to everyone she meets.

Alternatively she could try the whole ‘being wildly less successful than her sister’ angle. That works as well.

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire 

Anyone who has seen Channel Four’s youth slot T4 over the past year (and that includes anyone who bothers to get up before twelve on a weekend) will be aware of Alexa Chung. She adopts the presenting style of a drunk student teacher and reads every sentence like a ventriloquist (presumably that would make occasional meathead co-presenter Rick Edwards her dummy).

Up until a few months back, Alexa was a pretty, slim girl with nothing worthwhile to say and an entirely inoffensive way of saying it. Then she lost weight, chopped off her hair, started wearing lumberjack shirts because they appeared in NYLON magazine and became a boy. If not actually a boy with a penis and useless nipples, then at least a close approximation. Why? We are not sure. Maybe to pee standing up, because that is really cool.

Alexa’s degradation gets worse. In addition to now looking like a drugged-up teenager, she has gone one step further and started acting like one. At her latest photo shoot the spindly ex-model got in a right flap about the meagre choice of clothes on offer and promptly threw a wobbly.

A source told The Sun:

"Everyone used to think she was really down to earth. Not any more. On a recent job she acted like some kind of megastar. She shocked the people she was working with by the way she kept turning her nose up at other people’s fashion tastes. She should be careful how she treats people. In the fashion industry everyone talks."

It is a terrible thing being shunned by the fashion industry. Paying for clothes is what Fearne Cotton has to do. Not gorgeous people; gorgeous people vomit enough to get things for free.

Alexa is currently fronting Vanity Lair for T4, which is a kind of Big Brother for the even more mentally retarded with symmetrical faces.

Inmates in a house of self-declared ‘attractive’ people vote out the least aesthetically pleasing specimen each week until the only one left is the most good-looking person in the whole world ever (or something similar, you try and watch it and see how much you care).

Worst of all in this vile show is Alexa herself – floating around like an aloof Pez dispenser as if the whole thing is a great idea, you get the impression she not only misses the irony of her presence, but the point of the show itself, e.g. to let the pugly mock the beautiful without fear of actually having to be in the same room as them and feel insignificant.

If you think we are being hard on Alexa, bear in mind that she earns £100,000+ a year (without endorsements) to sit on a chair and look miserable. There is a bloodhound in our local that does that and nobody pays him squat. People just hit him with a beer mat once in while.

Read More:

Alexa Chung Turns Fashion Diva – Female First