We’ve all had times where it seems that the world is against us and simply wants to make a colossal mess of the day. It can range from sleeping in, dropping toast buttered side down on the floor or going to work on a day off.

Initial embarrassment and rage can be kept private but when you’re a global star, it isn’t that simple.

Musicians have a love and hate relationship with the internet. Some love the freedom it allows fans to connect and others see it as an easier way to bootleg pirate. Badly Drawn Boy will be despising YouTube after a potty mouthed appearance at the troubadour venue in LA.

Troubadour is kind of like the word “trouble” if you remove some letters and add a couple more in, so he should have known the gig was cursed.

If Badly Drawn Boy was someone who appeared in magazines every week and had a celebrity perception to keep up, than this outburst would probably see his PR weeping in to their double decaffeinated extra frothy latte with reindeer sprinkles.

Not even a piss poor excuse of “an outburst of tourettes syndrome” could help.

Initially it seemed that Damon Gough, aka Badly Drawn Boy threw a hissy fit after members of the LA audience ended up talking through his set.

However, this doesn’t appear to be the case with the venues sound. Clearly rattled by the experience and getting more and more annoyed he uttered:

“Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think I wanna be away from my two kids and do this shit?”

He probably doesn’t, but then again he didn’t mind doing a ropey film soundtrack. Must be karma or something. Still, that’s got nothing on the time he threatened to “curl one out” into the mouth of Finlay Quaye while onstage a few years ago.

Sounds like someone needs a wickle cuddly wuddly time, eh?

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Kate Moss is a dribbling simpleton isn’t she? No, not because she’s a model who are all uniformly thick. You know Moss is a dunce by looking at her circle of friends and lovers. She was in a romance with wailing barf-bucket Pete Doherty, as well as (reportedly) chasing Courtney Love around a hotel so she could stick fingers into Hollywood’s largest vagina.

She’s also chums with the bass player from The Most Overrated Group In The Whole World The Clash and hangs around with glass-eyed Sadie Frost. Her world is filled with people hurr-hurring to themselves about how funny clouds are and filled with silences teaming with brains trying to work out how people manage to grow sausages in a can.

And now, she’s swapping bodily fluids with Jamie Hince (a nobody from nothing band The Kills) and having a marriage which may or may not be a figment of our collective imagination.

Apparently, the wedding she had to Hince IN A CHURCH wasn’t real. These days, it seems that Sicilian Catholic churches are willing to sidestep tradition and sort out wealthy models with a blessing. Obviously, churches in Italy are famous for that sort of thing aren’t they?

Clearly, Kate Moss is learning that musicians are generally the most boring people on the planet and that, if you’re going to shack-up with one, then you should at least brace yourself for the moment when you realise just how crashingly dull they are, and safeguard against the inevitable break-up and money demands that always arise from celebrity marriages.

That’s right. If you say a wedding is a blessing, then it makes it alright to dump someone and not give them any of your money.

That means you don’t have to stop forking out cash on your decadent lifestyle choices like buying compilation videos of CCTV footage featuring Naomi Campbell throwing various objects and blood-soaked diamonds at assistants and hangers-on. ALLEGEDLY.

Of course, Kate is aping the Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger who has pulled the I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Real Marriage stunt with loads of women, famously, model Jerry Hall. He got wed at a Hindu ceremony in Bali before annulling it saying that the whole thing wasn’t legally binding.

A source says:

“Kate is convinced Jamie is The One… or at least, The One for now.

“When Jamie proposed, she accepted – but only after giving it a great deal of thought. She was adamant the wedding would be totally secret and very boho.

“Her mucker Mick once joked to her that blessings were the way to go because they meant no loss of independence – financial or otherwise. Kate told Jamie their wedding would be as traditional and sacred as any other wedding, which is why they exchanged rings.

“There just wouldn’t be as much paperwork.”

Anyway, we’re not supposed to know about this marriage because, aside from not giving the remotest of monkeys, Moss wanted all hush-hush.

However, we do know, so we all get too look forward to various reports of Kate Moss throwing tantrums and tiny, skeletal punches toward people who we’ll never know the names of.

Brilliant.

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It must be difficult being Beyonce’s sister – she got the looks, the ambition and the talent and all you’re left with is a name that rhymes with ‘flange’.

With that in mind, if we were Solange Knowles we’d get a little bit tetchy with people who compare us to Beyonce. No, more than that, we’d actually throw an embarrassing full-on sulky tantrum on television if someone even said the name ‘Beyonce’ within earshot of us. We would. We’d look like total bellends doing it, and it’d probably harm our career quite profoundly, but a little thing like that wouldn’t stop us.

Funnily enough it wouldn’t stop Solange Knowles either. A hapless presenter on a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show happened to mention Beyonce’s name just before a Solange Knowles interview yesterday, and Solange threw an incredible schoolmarmish hoity toity “Mer mer mer” prissy little tantrum at her for it.

Video footage? Why of course there’s video footage…

Imagine living your whole life in Beyonce’s shadow. Literally. Imagine literally living your whole life in the actual shadow cast by Beyonce’s giant arse. Imagine dragging your vitamin D-sapped body to school every day, bones aching and muscles spasming, only to hear Beyonce inform everyone that they’re not ready for her jelly while at the same time your jelly’s gone a bit stale and plasticy because it was ready for ages but nobody wanted it. Imagine that. Imagine exactly that.

It’d be rubbish – and it’s precisely what Solange Knowles has had to put up with for years – which probably explains why Solange has turned into such a cow about it.

For those not in the know, Solange Knowles is Beyonce’s little sister. She’s an actress, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a singer, but not as successful as Beyonce. She’s a model, but… yeah, you guessed.

So when Solage Knowles does something of her own, she doesn’t want it crushed by an association with her more successful sister. That’s why, according to reports, Solange’s people banned the media from mentioning Beyonce’s name at any point during the promotion of her new album.

Which clearly didn’t get back to the presenter of the presenter of a local Las Vegas Fox entertainment show, who happened to mention the B word during an introduction to an interview with Solange. Want to know what Solange did? Of course you do – here you go…

Our favourite bit of that video isn’t the stroppy little tantrum, or the way that a producer had to wade in midway through to clear the mess up – it was the way that Solange Knowles instantly clicked back into PR mode afterwards, describing her new album in a flat robot monotone with all the fizz of a pensioner trying to sell a bag of dust to a hatstand. Superb stuff.

Solange apparently hasn’t issued an apology or an explanation regarding her little flare-up, but she doesn’t really have to – in fact, in Solange really wants to set herself apart from Beyonce, then she should probably do it by being as abruptly aggressive as she can to everyone she meets.

Alternatively she could try the whole ‘being wildly less successful than her sister’ angle. That works as well.

Naomi Campbell has escaped serious punishment for her spazzy airport tantrum last week, possibly because the police know that no prison's puny metal bars can contain a force of nature that terrifying.

Instead, Naomi Campbell has walked away with nothing more than a caution – the slap on the wrist usually doled out to naughty schoolboys.

But a punishment is a punishment, and Naomi Campbell will no doubt learn some very important lessons on to become a better person from it. Or she'll try and genetically bind her DNA with that of a dilophosaurus so that the next time she spits at a policemen her acidic saliva will melt his eyes and leave him vulnerable enough for her to slash open his belly with her ferocious talons. Which is probably more likely.

The recent botched opening of Heathrow's Terminal 5 left many officials with egg on their faces. But one lucky official was able to wipe the egg off his face because he could use Naomi Campbell's hawked-up greenies as a manky lubricant, the lucky sod.

You'll remember from last week that Naomi Campbell was arrested at Heathrow because her baggage went missing and she got angry – a reaction that nobody could have possibly expected from someone as dainty as Naomi Campbell.

At the time it was reported that Naomi Campbell was arrested for assaulting a police officer, leading us to believe that she'd either torn his jaw out or snapped him in half and drank his spinal fluid. However, it later emerged that Naomi merely spat at the officer, which is a bit lame given that she once smashed a boat up because she didn't like the kind of cheese that a waiter offered her. 

And now it's turned out that Naomi Campbell has been cautioned for the spit-attack, meaning that she'll escape any changes for it. Marie Claire reports:

The quick-tempered supermodel is currently free on bail following her arrest and removal from an LA-bound flight at Heathrow's troubled Terminal 5 last week. She risked being charged with an aggravated felony by police, after allegedly spitting at an officer, and legal experts predicted the charge could have resulted in a US visa ban, preventing her from modelling in the States. But police are reportedly not looking to take further action against the catwalk star – if she accepts a caution. A police source told a tabloid: 'The Crown Prosecution Service will be consulted, but the expected outcome is a caution.' 

Now, admittedly Naomi Campbell spitting at a policeman isn't a particularly serious offense, but that's only on Naomi Campbell's sliding scale of terrifying violence. A glob of phlegm won't do the same amount of damage as, say, a mobile phone that's been hurtled at your skull at the speed of light. But, still, a simple caution seems to be nothing more than a green light for Naomi Campbell to continue her horrific reign of atrocities.

A caution might seem like the simplest option to end this mess now, but we'd just like the police to know that when Naomi Campbell inevitably catapults a petrol tanker into the side of a primary school because someone didn't compliment her on her nice new hat sincerely enough, then they'll have nobody to blame but themselves.

Read more:

Naomi Campbell cautioned over 'assault' – Marie Claire 

While still apparently pursuing gender reassignment surgery, T4’s Alexa Chung has taken time out to throw a girlie strop during a recent photo call. Nobody likes moany Alexa anymore – New Look and Peacocks won’t send her a thing.

Anyone who has seen Channel Four’s youth slot T4 over the past year (and that includes anyone who bothers to get up before twelve on a weekend) will be aware of Alexa Chung. She adopts the presenting style of a drunk student teacher and reads every sentence like a ventriloquist (presumably that would make occasional meathead co-presenter Rick Edwards her dummy).

Up until a few months back, Alexa was a pretty, slim girl with nothing worthwhile to say and an entirely inoffensive way of saying it. Then she lost weight, chopped off her hair, started wearing lumberjack shirts because they appeared in NYLON magazine and became a boy. If not actually a boy with a penis and useless nipples, then at least a close approximation. Why? We are not sure. Maybe to pee standing up, because that is really cool.

Alexa’s degradation gets worse. In addition to now looking like a drugged-up teenager, she has gone one step further and started acting like one. At her latest photo shoot the spindly ex-model got in a right flap about the meagre choice of clothes on offer and promptly threw a wobbly.

A source told The Sun:

"Everyone used to think she was really down to earth. Not any more. On a recent job she acted like some kind of megastar. She shocked the people she was working with by the way she kept turning her nose up at other people’s fashion tastes. She should be careful how she treats people. In the fashion industry everyone talks."

It is a terrible thing being shunned by the fashion industry. Paying for clothes is what Fearne Cotton has to do. Not gorgeous people; gorgeous people vomit enough to get things for free.

Alexa is currently fronting Vanity Lair for T4, which is a kind of Big Brother for the even more mentally retarded with symmetrical faces.

Inmates in a house of self-declared ‘attractive’ people vote out the least aesthetically pleasing specimen each week until the only one left is the most good-looking person in the whole world ever (or something similar, you try and watch it and see how much you care).

Worst of all in this vile show is Alexa herself – floating around like an aloof Pez dispenser as if the whole thing is a great idea, you get the impression she not only misses the irony of her presence, but the point of the show itself, e.g. to let the pugly mock the beautiful without fear of actually having to be in the same room as them and feel insignificant.

If you think we are being hard on Alexa, bear in mind that she earns £100,000+ a year (without endorsements) to sit on a chair and look miserable. There is a bloodhound in our local that does that and nobody pays him squat. People just hit him with a beer mat once in while.

Read More:

Alexa Chung Turns Fashion Diva – Female First