You know what we’ve realised? God hates good dancers. It’s true – just look at what He did to Chris Brown.

And now He’s started messing about with Usher, too. Alright, not Usher specifically – Usher’s wife Tameka Foster. All Tameka wanted was to go to Brazil for some cheap, possibly unregulated plastic surgery, and it all ended up going so horribly that Usher had to get a neurosurgeon in to fix her.

But the good news is that Tameka Foster is now in a stable condition. Next time, God, pick on a dancer your own size. Like, say, that bellend from Jamiroquai.

Although increasingly popular, plastic surgery still has inherent dangers. After all, Kanye West’s mother died after a cosmetic procedure, plastic surgery seems to be the reason that Shane Richie now permanently looks like a startled drag queen and now it’s got to Usher’s wife Tameka Foster, too.

Right before he was due to perform at the Grammys on Sunday, Usher was urgently called away to Brazil because Tameka Foster – a woman who has already forced Usher to marry her several times and then couldn’t think of anything more imaginative to name Usher’s baby than Usher – had been through a plastic surgery procedure so botched that a neurosurgeon had to be shipped over urgently to deal with the aftermath.

The good news is, though, Tameka Foster’s condition has stabled enough for Usher’s representatives to put out the following statement:

“(Foster is) in stable condition after suffering complications from routine surgery in Brazil. Her husband, Usher, is with her at the hospital. No further details will be released, and the family requests privacy at this difficult time.”

No details? OK, fine. It’s not like we can’t work it out anyway. Routine surgery? Brazil? Neurosurgeons? It’s simple – Tameka Foster was having her vagina shaved and strapped to her spine. That or she was having one of those big carnival peacock plumes implanted into her head. Or a favela boy surgically attached to her brain. Definitely one of those things. Or something else. We’re not experts.

Anyway, it’s good to hear that Tameka Foster is on the mend. It’s just a shame that it had to happen when it did. What with Chris Brown’s arrest, it left a wide open gap for Usher to become the best dancer at the Grammys. But, thanks to Tameka Foster, that didn’t happen. It’s bad news for Usher, but worse news for anyone who saw Thom Yorke walk off with the title on Sunday after flapping about like a deflating toddler for three minutes. Shame.

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Usher is good at two things – dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant.

OK, maybe not ‘women’ as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant – his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it’s announced that Tameka’s only gone and got another baby on the go.

That’s impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don’t even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That’s either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea.

Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn’t put it past him.

Bloody Usher. He can never do something well once, can he? He always has to go back and do it again and again until everyone gets a bit sick of it.

Musically Usher’s always repeating himself – first by making a song called Confessions and then by making a song called Confessions Pt II - and if you were to count all the times that Usher got married to his wife, you’d end up dizzy and terrified by the fact that someone can actually be that pointless.

And now he’s decided to adapt this trait for another aspect of his life, too – babies. Usher’s wife only had Usher’s baby about ten minutes ago, and yet he’s already decided that the time has come to get another slimy bun in the pulsating, fluid-filled oven as quickly as possible. People reports:

Usher is going to be a father for the second time, PEOPLE has learned. The R&B star and his wife Tameka Foster are expecting their second child together, a source close to the singer confirms. Recently, Foster was spotted wearing a belly-disguising outfit during Usher’s Sept. 4 NFL kick-off concert in New York. The dress was “very deceiving,” the source says. “You couldn’t tell she was pregnant when she was sitting down.”

What’s best about all this isn’t that Usher’s obviously so terrifyingly potent that he probably can’t even masturbate into a tissue without it springing up, doing a little dance and following him around calling him ‘papa’ afterwards – it’s that this news has come just a couple of days after Usher announced his ladies-only tour.

You can imagine that Tameka Foster’s thrilled with that, can’t you? She’s sat at home feeling all bloated and elephanty and unloved and he’s off singing sexy songs to crowds of hormone-spazzed women, every single one of whom will be desperately trying to catch his attention. Forget a third baby, Usher’s going to be lucky if Tameka Foster lets him go anywhere near her with his little chap at all after pulling a stunt like that.

Usher, or Raymond when he wears those plaid jackets, is struggling not to bonk everything that moves now he is married and has a baby son to bring up. Poor, rich bastard.

Whether you like Usher‘s music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but he sure can throw some crazy moves together. And it’s perhaps these slinky footsteps that have gotten his erect penis into trouble before. His reputation for banging broads like a horny puppy is well known in celebrity land.

Horny Usher also has a perfume out that bears his name stencilled in big bold letters using what can only be described as ‘tattoo script’. It smells a bit like turps and takes his personal fortune up into the trillions – thus confirming his status as ‘richest man to be named after the job you give someone who isn’t good enough to be Best Man at your wedding’.

As for his own nuptials, Usher isn’t confident about staying faithful, which must be either music to his wife’s ears if she is looking for a cut of his diamond factory, or pretty miserable if she, like, you know, loves him and stuff.

Usher told Cosmopolitan magazine:

“I’m good at making love, but I’m not good at being in love. It’s a conscious decision every day to love the person you’re with“.

The man who would be Chris Eubank with a signet ring married then-pregnant fiancée Tameka Foster in August 2007 after abruptly calling off the ceremony just a month before.

This might not be the best omen in the world and, coupled with Usher’s utter disregard for why people get married in the first place, gives us the gall to pencil in his divorce for, say, February 2009.

If he has issue with this statement, Usher is welcome to drop by our offices in London and put us straight. Now that’s London, not Manchester when it should be Kent, just as the bling king so memorably muddled up during a recent gig in the sleepy southeast county.

Married life might not be the worst thing in the world for Usher though; he should give it a chance. It’s fun to put on more weight than Oprah and then slouch about in your own filth while your better half nags you about drain hair and the toilet seat. So Jay-Z says anyway.

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it's pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals – we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant.

And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it's been reported that Usher's wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it'd be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka's wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother's vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could've happened.

Usher is a modern-day renaissance man, capable of singing some thuddingly generic R&B songs one minute, acting in rubbish teen comedies the next and dancing like a man trying to run uphill in a rainstorm wearing shoes made of soap in all the gaps in between. Such is Usher's prodigious ability to sing and dance and act that it's obvious that he'd want to name any child he sired after himself. That's normal and not at all violently egotistical, as our newborn son Hecklerspray Is A Good Website will be only too happy to attest to once he's grown up and stopped suing us for wrecking his life.

So that's what Usher has done. Usher's newish wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first son on Monday night, a 7 lbs. 9 oz. boy named Usher Raymond V. Although it's yet to be made explicit, we assume that the 'V' part of usher Raymond V is either a Roman numeral explanation of how many other Usher Raymonds there have been in Usher's family, or a terrible warning that the baby is really a planet-raping, rodent-eating lizardy alien with a sticky-out tongue and a latex human mask from the 1980s.

That's something we'll discover at a later date, because Usher and Tameka Foster have released a statement telling the world how brilliant it is to have a baby named after you:

"We are so happy and proud of our beautiful son. What a blessing!" 

It finally seems like Usher and Tameka Foster are finally getting getting themselves back on track with the birth of baby Usher. After all, their initial wedding was such a balls-up that they needed to have two more weddings afterwards just to erase the bad memories from the first one. And there's nothing like a newborn baby to remind a married couple that they can't tit around getting married all the bastard time.

Still, it's good to know that Usher, Tameka and Usher are all doing well – and we hope that Usher devotes enough time away from his forthcoming new album to give baby Usher the upbringing he deserves. After all, the tot isn't going to learn how to dance like an epileptic gecko by himself, is he.

Read more:

Usher & Tameka Welcome A Baby Boy - People