And do you also find yourself getting annoyed because Jack Bauer is a human man and not a mystical lion who acts as a badly-concealed Jesus metaphor ? You do? Well you’re not the only one, because Taken is this week’s number one movie at the weekend box office.

And Taken is exactly that – it’s a brutally violent thriller containing several scenes of graphic torture starring Aslan from the Narnia films. What more could you possibly ask for?

2009 seems to be the year where the US weekend box office answers all of our prayers. First we prayed about a witless comedy about a fat man on a Segway and Paul Blart: Mall Cop became the weekend box office number one for two weeks running.

And then we prayed for a film that’s a bit like 24 and a bit like The Bodyguard, only starring Aslan The Lion, the shit one from Lost and a failed popstar. And what do you know, Taken has become the top movie at the weekend box office. Don’t tell anyone, but next week we’re praying for remake of Bound starring Konnie Huq, Myleene Klass and the woman off the Lacoste advert. And so it will be. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Taken (We should probably point out that this isn’t a remake of the Steven Spielberg TV show Taken. Or the 2002 horror movie Taken. Or the Canadian 2003 movie Taken. Or Taken In, Taken Out, Taken Alive, Taken Away, Taken By Force, Taken For Granted, or the videogame Tekken. It’s a completely new idea. Unless you’ve seen the first season of 24, that is, because it’s a total rip-off of that) $24,625,000

2 - Paul Blart: Mall Cop (This is a sad day, Paul Blart. Your reign as weekend box office champion has come to an end. But fear not, for you’ll live on forever both in our hearts and in the millions of pointless rip-off movies about fat Segway-riding men with limited authority that’ll inevitably come out in about 18 months) $14,000,000

3 - The Uninvited (The uninvited that this movie’s title specifically refers to is either Elizabeth Banks or a freaky dead child who looks like a severe burns victim. Of the two, we’d rather the latter showed up at our house uninvited. At least it’d have fewer dreary anecdotes about Zach Braff) $10,512,000

4 - Hotel For Dogs (A hotel for dogs! What a funny idea! Whatever next? Really, imagine that – a hotel for dogs. Oh, Hollywood. You’ve really outdone yourselves here. A hotel for dogs! We’ll have one of whatever you’re smoking! LOL!!!) $8,706,000

5 - Gran Torino (Gran Torino has now been a box office fixture for two months, which makes it the most popular movie about someone’s gran since Big Momma’s House 2) $8,600,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo

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But apparently she of the lips fame does have time – not only time, but she also has the inclination to take roles that were initially meant for one Tom Cruise. Not content with stealing all the babies from the birthplace of humanity, it would seem that Angelina Jolie also wants to steal roles from Scientologists.

At least, that’s what it looks like on current evidence.

The long-touted but never actually made Edwin A. Salt is reportedly the film that Jolie will be taking the lead role in, with the title receiving a change as we would all expect. Edwina A. Salt doesn’t sound that good, mind, so hopefully they’ll put more thought into it than we have.

Not only will the title change, but the script itself is being redrafted to accommodate Angelina and her style. Which probably just means there will be more in the way of revealing thigh/cleavage shots than was originally intended – not many more though, as we’re sure the Cruiser wanted to show his rack off just as much as Jolie, but more nonetheless.

There may also be some re-writing for other reasons that we can’t even guess at, but the general story is likely to remain the same: CIA agent accused of being a Russian spy, has to elude capture long enough to establish his/her innocence. Sounds… formulaic. Oh well.

It does seem that Angie keeps on getting everything handed to her these days – from the $14 million for pictures of her tiny fleshbags, through the obviously necessary help and advice of everyone’s favourite knobend Bono and onto the fact that she’ll probably end up getting handed the Catwoman role, should the part ever get cast – the girl seemingly gets everything handed to her on a particularly sexy platter. Now put Tom Cruise’s job on that list.

The poor tiny man – his wife’s gone and done a runner, for a bit at least, he’s all alone and now he doesn’t even get to be a spy in a film he was supposed to be in for ages. It’s probably affected his thetan levels too, bless his little face. But hecklerspray can’t see Tom Cruise doing anything but a great big smile when he finally gets to show the world how great he is as a one-eyed Nazi.

As for Angelina Jolie, well – she would seem content with popping out sprogs, stealing sprogs from other countries, getting it on with Brad Pitt, forcing our stand-in editor to go on Sky News and talk about them in a thoroughly stupid, ill-informed and embarrassing fashion and taking roles off of possibly mental Scientologists.

Oh, and let’s not forget she’s taking part in an adaptation of Atlas Shrugged, too. But we’re not really qualified to comment on that one in our usual hilarious fashion, as the book is really big and full of words that we can’t be bothered trying to understand. Bloody Objectivism.