Schwarzenegger Believes People Will Still Pay To See Him Topless Joyous news for people who just can't get enough of old men's saggy breasts on their movie screens: Sylvester Stallone has announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be starring in his upcoming film. A little bit of sick has just come up into our mouth. We knew that Stallone was a fan of whipping deceased stallions, but until now we thought Schwarzenegger had some pride. But something - the idea of recapturing his youth, the lure of making another bathful of quids, or the devastating effects of dementia - has convinced Arnie it would be a great idea for him to appear in Stallone's latest film.

Mickey Rourke Seals Comeback With Gormless Stallone Movie This is Mickey Rourke's year - by Christmas he'll have won an Oscar, become the biggest star on Earth and colonised the moon. That's if you believe the hype. If you don't believe the hype you'll realise that Mickey Rourke was lucky enough to be cast in a movie that required a washed-up squidge-faced dumbbell who cries a lot as a star. But either way, thanks to The Wrestler Mickey Rourke is back in business. So how is Mickey Rourke going to continue of his run of critically-acclaimed highbrow movies? By co-starring in a low-rent film about Sylvester Stallone killing everything. Whoops.

Sylvester Stallone Doing Rambo 5 And 6 And Hopefully No More This year's Rambo gave the world just what it needed - an unnaturally jacked-up sexagenarian doing gory murder on millions of foreigners. And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level - as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on. But anyway, that's why we're thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What's more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours. All true. Except for the last 57 words.

Sylvester Stallone To Keep Churning Out Doddery Old Action Flicks

Thanks to the success of the new Rocky film and the new Rambo film, Sylvester Stallone is on top of the world right now - and he knows exactly what to do next.

That's right - more Rocky and Rambo films! Possibly. Sylvester Stallone has just signed a two-movie deal to direct and star in two brand new action films, and already it's thought that Stallone is working on sequels to Rocky Balboa and the new Rambo movie.

And why not. Sylvester Stallone has only ever had three good ideas in his life, and two of them were Rocky and Rambo. He'd make a film of his third good idea, but it's hard to make figuring out that shoes go on your feet instead of your hands very cinematic.

Sylvester Stallone Delighted With Awful New Film

EDIT: OK, so it's not Sylvester Stallone in Fred Claus, it's Sylvester Stallone's brother Frank. The rest of the article has been adjusted accordingly...

It is a rule generally acknowledged that anyone who starts a hecklerspray article with the words 'it is a rule generally acknowledged' must be slapped around the face with a bag of animal poo until the end of the working day.

Another one of those rule-acknowledgey things is that - in general - Christmas films are rubbish. Sure, there are classics like It's A Wonderful Life, but just compare those to the legions of dregs like Santa Claus: The Movie, Surviving Christmas or Platoon 2: Do You Take Napalm With Your Mince Pies, You Fucking Commies? Huh? Do You? WELL?

Someone hasn't told Sylvester Stallone's BROTHER this, however. His upcoming movie is a Christmas flick, you see... and he's mightily chuffered about it.