The Rocky films are great aren’t they? They started off as a gritty fictional document of a rising boxing star, closing with a film that showed Rocky Balboa resembling a relaxed, tanned phallus that has been dipped in a particularly aggressive wasp nest.
And while you think that Rocky was out for the count (or, It Really Should’ve Thrown The Towel In At Rocky IV Because It Was Ace), you’d be massively wrong.
That’s because Rocky is climbing up the ropes again in slow motion, this time with another hugely stupid idea which sounds like the work of a satirist. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner we have decency which is already weeping… and his opponent, in the red corner, Rocky: The Broadway Musical!
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Sylvester Stallone is a hilarious man with an even more hilarious face, topped by his even more amusing voice. He’s a man who has made a career of sounding like he’s been stung on the tongue by a nest of wasps.
Of course, he’s much more than a mere actor. He’s a director, writer and launched the movie themed Planet Hollywood restaurant chain which are uniformly awful. That said, it’s kinda cool to eat a burger next to Spock’s ears in a clear perspex case.
He’s also a big promoter of cigarettes in his films and likes getting caught in Australia with human growth hormone vials. And now, to add to this glittering CV, he’s going to launch a menswear line.
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Hollywood hard-man Bruce Willis has managed to cheat death whilst attending a screening of his latest testosterone fuelled blockbuster. What was the source of the action star’s brush with death I hear you ask, an escalator.
No, you didn’t read that wrong, Bruce Willis was nearly maimed by a moving staircase whilst on the way to watch his new film, Red, which sees Willis staring alongside John Malkovic and Dame Helen Mirren as a retired CIA black-ops agent that’s being hunted down. Only in America.
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The ’80s revival is well underway now with right wing politicians in power in the UK, synthpop plaguing the charts and, right on cue, Sylvester Stallone is out with an old-fashioned action movie that’s filled with explosions, testosterone and big protein shake muscles constantly exposed.
It’s called The Expendables and we’ve got a behind the scenes look at the film, which includes Dolph Lundgren, someone being blown in half, Sly showing people how to look rock hard as the director and things on fire.
However, by far the most amazing spectacle in the videos is the film critic who appears at 1.36 who, on first site, will make you gasp with delight/horror. It’s worth tuning in for him alone. Read More >>>
Sly Stallone is a fine and inspirational human being. You know why? Because he’s really old and has muscles. He also talks like a recovering stroke victim. If he can continue to get acting jobs and open up a dodgy restaurant chain with other celebs, then you dear reader, can do most anything if you put your mind to it. Oh, and his middle name sounds like the word ‘garden’.
Now, he’s so exciting and wild that he’s gone and shot a load of people until they are completely dead with a bazooka thing during an interview at Comic-con.
Of course, this is all to promote his new movie, The Expendables (adopts announcer voice) in theaters next Friday!
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Joyous news for people who just can’t get enough of old men’s saggy breasts on their movie screens: Sylvester Stallone has announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be starring in his upcoming film.
A little bit of sick has just come up into our mouth.
We knew that Stallone was a fan of whipping deceased stallions, but until now we thought Schwarzenegger had some pride. But something – the idea of recapturing his youth, the lure of making another bathful of quids, or the devastating effects of dementia – has convinced Arnie it would be a great idea for him to appear in Stallone’s latest film.
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This is Mickey Rourke’s year – by Christmas he’ll have won an Oscar, become the biggest star on Earth and colonised the moon.
That’s if you believe the hype. If you don’t believe the hype you’ll realise that Mickey Rourke was lucky enough to be cast in a movie that required a washed-up squidge-faced dumbbell who cries a lot as a star. But either way, thanks to The Wrestler Mickey Rourke is back in business.
So how is Mickey Rourke going to continue of his run of critically-acclaimed highbrow movies? By co-starring in a low-rent film about Sylvester Stallone killing everything. Whoops.
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This year’s Rambo gave the world just what it needed – an unnaturally jacked-up sexagenarian doing gory murder on millions of foreigners.
And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level – as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on.
But anyway, that’s why we’re thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What’s more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours.
All true. Except for the last 57 words.
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This year's Rambo gave the world just what it needed - an unnaturally jacked-up sexagenarian doing gory murder on millions of foreigners.
And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level - as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on.
But anyway, that's why we're thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What's more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours.
All true. Except for the last 57 words.
