Syco - HecklerSpray

One Direction Want To Date Their Fans But Probably Not You

November 14th, 2011 By Michael Park

Remember One Direction from last year’s X Factor? Those fresh-faced lads that got all the way to the final by being cheeky, having a lark and bonking Rebecca Ferguson? Yeah, the ones that are a bit like The Risk. How quickly you forget.

They’re looking forward to releasing their new album but, being teenage boys who are still worried about spots, booze and getting their ends away, most of their interviews are turning to dating.

Yes, it turns out that the lads wouldn’t mind dating one of their loyal, insane fanbase.

STV Forced To Cover Up Obvious X Factor Fix

November 14th, 2011 By Michael Park

You X Factor fans are a fine bunch of conspiracy theorists and when it was preemptively announced that one of the eliminated caterwaulers had been allowed back into the show, the viewing public gathered in the streets with pitchforks and torches, desperately seeking someone to pin the blame on.

When Loaded’s Man of the Year (1998-Present) Dermot announced that someone called Amelia Lily was to take her place among the X Factor elite, a lot of viewers believed that the result had already been accidentally leaked on STV’s website.

Many people who took to twitter to test the abilities of hashtag filters, thought that the early leaking of the result meant it was a fix. Cries went up and heads were expected to roll. People began looking for Simon Cowell effigies to burn in the streets as the public showed its distaste at being betrayed.

Sinead O’Connor Doesn't Like To See People Crying On X Factor, The Blubbing Hypocrite

October 26th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Back when times were pure and innocent, only a few select events took up room on our calendar; such as birthdays and the elusive annual leave. Now, more and more meaningless events are cluttering our calendars as television bullies its way into our lives, sits down on top of us and angrily demands that we perform oral sex on it.

August used to be the time when advertisers would pester us with commercials about Christmas hampers and store cards. Now, when we see this particular month approaching, we know that the booming narration of X-Factor is set to begin and for a few weeks, we get to see slew of modern-day freaks being paraded in front of four berks for our amusement.

Every Saturday, everyone rushes all their errands so they can watch TV with strong continental lager and a fatty takeaway. Only then can you make snide comments about how someone singing their heart out is inferior to you. Hell, maybe you even tweet about it. Incessantly.

Cowell To Be Demonic Godfather To Amanda Holden’s Baby

September 6th, 2011 By Michael Park

Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.

Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.

What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?

Cher Lloyd Ignores Her Stylists Because They, Like Everyone Else, Are Haters

July 27th, 2011 By Michael Park

It is a fact, passed down through from hecklerspray writer to hecklerspray writer that if ever someone utters the words “haters gonna hate” or any other variation on that theme that they have automatically marked themselves out as a hateful figure. Therefore it is easy to imagine the vehement feelings of anger that course through our collective veins every time we hear from representatives of the Cher Lloyd ‘Anti-Hater Brigade’.

Is Cher Lloyd a hateful figure? Probably not. After all, she’s just a lassie singing some songs and making a wee bit of money. There’s nothing inherently hateful in that, is there?

That being said, Pope Gregory VII wasn’t an inherently hateful figure either but he also initiated a crusade against another kind of “hater”, the Muslims in the Middle East and look how that ended up. Largely with a lot more Christians and, if young Cher has her way, her own crusade will leave us with a lot more Cher Lloyd fans. So perhaps Swagger Jagger and its inevitable follow-ups will kill more people than the crusades.