Horny toddler Justin Bieber continues to crumple all of Earth’s teenage girls into a single shrieking mass.
This week: Australia. Justin Bieber has been forced to cancel a concert in Sydney because so many teenage girls got so worked up about the prospect about looking into his weird little Chucky doll eyes and hearing him sing one of up to 35 different songs about text messaging that many of them ended up injured in a bizarre 2am crowd surge.
If you ask us, Justin Bieber acted in a hugely irresponsible manner by cancelling his concert. Yes, it meant that he quelled a potentially volatile situation, but now everyone knows that Justin Bieber won’t play in their town if teenage girls get injured there. If that’s not a deliberate request for people of the world to push their young down staircases, we don’t know what is. Shame on you, Bieber.
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This week’s half full and half empty.
Folded:
Creased:
- Brüno (when cringeworthy stops being funny)
- Swine flu inevitability (had the bug yet? It’s getting to the ‘everyone knows somebody’ stage now)
- Guys who refer to their wives or girlfriends as ‘er indoors’ (they probably say ‘aye’ a lot too)
- Crunches (the most miserable sounding exercise ever. Going on the beach? Just wear a vest or something)
- Waiting for autumn video games (you’d never know it because of the damn unpredictable weather but we’ve only just started August)
Attention! This is an important health announcement! Have you kissed Harry Potter‘s Rupert Grint recently?
No? Have you inhaled any of Rupert Grint’s sweat? No? Have you splashed around in pools of Rupert Grint’s urine and mucus? If you have, then a) ugh, and b) you’ve probably got swine flu. Rupert Grint has caught swine flu.
Relax – Rupert Grint is better now. At least we assume so – if symptoms include discoloured skin, radioactive-looking hair, a voice that has never broken properly and a permanent look of confusion, then it’s probably best to steer clear of his house for a while.
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10 - Scientists discover the thing that will one day kill all of us – Geekologie
9 – Swine flu in Willow – a warning from history – Filmdrunk
8 - The most expensive beers in the whole world – Gunaxin
7 - 10 films banned in America - Iheartchaos.
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10 – Sneezing in slow motion. The wrongest thing you’ll see all day – Break
9 - Still cacking yourself mental about swine flu? It could be worse – you could have any of these pretend diseases - PopEater
8 - Alternatively, here’s a reminder that all animals are dimwits. Adorable dimwits – Bunnywithfangs
7 - Apparently you’re not allowed to have sex with animals in Florida any more. Stupid swine flu - Miamiherald.
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10 - First things first, check the WHO disease centre for news of how many people you grew up with are now dead from Swine Flu - WHO
9 - Too terrified to read words? Here’s a map of real-time global cases, so you can track the deadly Swine Flu until it breezes through your letterbox and kills you – Healthmap
8 – Here’s the most appropriate song we could think of today – YouTube
7 - Swine Flu! The culprit revealed! – Growabrain.
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Every superhero has a weakness. Superman has kryptonite, Batman has young boys in capes and sexy leggings, and to beat Spider-Man all you really have to do is move your crime syndicate to a prairie. It really is that easy.
To defeat Wolverine, on the other hand, may take a little more work. After all, he’s got those steel fingers he always seems to cut things up with. How’s a person supposed to get around a weapon like that? The answer, of course, it that they can’t.
Pigs can though – especially Mexican pigs with runny noses and a burning fever.
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Horny toddler Justin Bieber continues to crumple all of Earth’s teenage girls into a single shrieking mass.
