Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

According to the publishers of the book, Canongate, the slow sales have meant that despite all the media furore surrounding Assange and this unauthorised biography, the only people who have actually made any money out of it are Julian and his aforementioned, allegedly criminal, penis.

Assange and “little Julian” accepted an advance believed to be in the region of £250,000 from Canongate, which was then spunked away on lawyers to help ensure that Julian and his member were kept from being put behind bars in Sweden, following allegations of rape that were definitely part of one of those US conspiracies that sane and logical people always go on about at dinner parties or street corners, whilst wearing tin foil hats.

Rumours we just made up are abound that Canongate are in the process of asking best selling author Katie Price to knock up another draft whilst she’s between husbands, in the hope that maybe she would add some credibility and interest to the title.

Katie Price could not be reached for comment. Mainly because we can’t stand her.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Rocket Ghosts, as is common knowledge, are the spirits left behind by long since exploded aerodynamic artillery. The most commonly sighted ghost rockets haunt the streets of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where they’ve been seen playing Dance Dance Revolution in empty shops at midnight.

Ghost Rockets, on the other hand, are a strange aerial phenomenon seen thousands of times in 1946 Sweden. They were caught on radar, reported hundreds of times – and even allegedly left a crater in the bottom of a lake. And perhaps the strangest part – according to an alleged government top secret memo, is this:

“These phenomena are obviously the result of a high technical skill which cannot be credited to any presently known culture on earth.”

Governments have had a long, weird, alleged history with UFOs. Remember a few weeks ago when we dropped ol’ Henry McElroy on you? He’s the retiring politician that said every single UFO/Alien story you’ve ever heard is absolutely true, or something like that. Well that’s the kind of upfront no-nonsense attitude we’ve all come to expect from all of our world governments – especially Sweden.

We know, we know – normally when you think of Sweden you just think ‘Well, they screwed Norway again,’ but this time we want you to think about the strange, extremely large UFO flap they had in 1946. Wikipedia really sums things up:

“Ghost Rockets (also called Scandinavian ghost rockets) were mysterious rocket- or missile-shaped unidentified flying objects sighted in 1946, mostly in Sweden and nearby countries. About 2,000 ghost rockets sightings were logged between May and December 1946, with peaks on the 9 and 11 August 1946. 200 sightings were verified with radar returns, and authorities recovered physical fragments which were attributed to ghost rockets.

“Investigations concluded that many ghost rocket sightings were probably caused by meteors. For example, the peaks of the sightings, on the 9 and 11 August, also fall within the peak of the annual Perseid meteor shower. However, most ghost rocket sightings did not occur during meteor shower activity, and furthermore displayed characteristics inconsistent with meteors, such as reported maneuverability and being trackable on radar.”

There was another strange characteristic attributed to some of the ghost rockets as well – they made no sound. There it was, a giant piece of machinery chugging across the sky and not a peep was made – even when they’d explode. According to the August 13, 1946 New York Times:

“One of the best of the puzzling reports came from a meteorologist who observed an unknown object closely while he was outdoors watching cloud formations with a telescope. At first the meteorologist thought he was seeing an airplane on the horizon, brightly reflecting sunlight. The object’s very high speed soon disproved this idea. In a few seconds, the observer got a clear view of the ghost rocket: It was, he judged, ninety feet long, torpedo-shaped, and had a shiny metal surface. He estimated the object was but 2,000 meters distant, but made no noticeable noise. Abruptly the ghost rocket exploded — again without a sound.”

Certainly that sighting from an unnamed yet trusted Swedish meteorologist is enough to convince anyone of the credible oddity that are Scandinavian Ghost Rockets. But if you’re the type that prefers to read it in top secret government documents, well then – here you go:

“One of these  objects  was observed  by a Swedish  technical  expert near his home on the edge of a lake.   The object crashed or landed in the lake and he carefully noted its azimuth from his point of observation.   Swedish intelligence was sufficiently confident in his observation that a naval salvage team was sent to the lake.   Operations were underway during the visit of USAFE officers. Divers had discovered a previously uncharted crater on the floor of the lake. No further information is available, but we have been promised knowledge of the results.   In their opinion, the observation was reliable, and they believe that the depression on the floor of the lake, which did not appear on current hydrographic charts, was in fact caused by a flying saucer.”

And there you have it. These things were flying around like mosquitoes in a swamp in ’46 Sweden. They were sighted by the educated, recorded on radar and some say one of them smashed a crater into the bottom of a lake. Were they UFOs? Certainly – because nobody knows what they were. But were they space ships?

Well…

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Have we mentioned that we’re liveblogging the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday? We are. Please come back then and validate us.

Only on Saturday, mind you. We’re not liveblogging any of those poncey Eurovision semi-finals. Especially not the one tonight, even though it could well be the last we’ll see of either of today’s participants. We refuse to liveblog that. You can watch it on TV if you like, just be aware that doing so makes you a gigantic nimrod if you do.

Here’s the Eurovision 2009 for Malena Ernman from Sweden and Lovebugs from Switzerland…

Sweden · Malena Ernman, La voix

Eurovision, like all things in life, tends to move through stages. Just off the top of our heads we can remember a Turkish-influenced stage, a hard rock stage and a transsexual Israeli disco stage. But could the next big Eurovision fad be opera? On the basis of La Voix by Malena Ernman, this year’s Swedish European representative, probably not. It’s not so much opera as a weird opera/techno hybrid, which is obviously quite an uncomfortable mix. It sounds, in fact, like a song that should be performed during the opening ceremony of the Gay Olympics. And since Eurovision essentially IS the Gay Olympics, La Voix should be pretty unstoppable. Or at least it would be if Sweden was a former Soviet state. But it isn’t. In summary, then, bleugh.

Switzerland · Lovebugs, The Highest Heights

IMPORTANT! Before you click on the video above, read a few of Lovebugs’ achievements: they’ve supported The Rolling Stones. Their new album was produced by one of U2’s producers. According to their Eurovision biography, their music is characterised by ‘atmospheric guitars and melancholic underlying themes, paired with a hypnotic, driving beat’. So The Highest Heights, the song chosen to represent both Switzerland and Lovebugs at Eurovision, must be pretty special, right? Well, almost. The song seems to have been designed with massive stadiums in mind, and sounds a little bit like a cross between Coldplay and Black Kids. And we sort of like it. Do we like it because it’s good, or because it’s not tinny disco nonsense performed by a bimbo? You tell us. Honestly, we’ve lost the ability to think.

Jessica Alba has two main talents – picking terrible movies and giving unwatchable performances in them.

And now we can add a third – Jessica Alba is also a genius. No, really, she is. Recently, unbearable gasbag Bill O’Reilly mocked Jessica Alba for saying that Sweden was a neutral wartime country. And now Jessica has hit back at Bill with all sorts of long words she almost certainly doesn’t understand..

Pick sides in this Jessica Alba/ Bill O’Reilly feud if you want. We’ll just pray that they have a fistfight that culminates in them both toppling over a cliff-edge onto some jagged rocks.

If you ever wondered how Bill O’Reilly would fill his time now that he doesn’t have a Republican president to blindly splutter illogical defences for all the time, now you know. In the absence of George Bush, Bill O’Reilly has looked down on the world and – quite rightly, we think – chosen the next subject worthy of his screaming outrage.

And that subject is this: pretty, yet obviously quite dim, actresses who stumble over technicalities of conflicts that took place 40 years before she was born. Phew – we don’t know about you, but we’ve lost count of number of sleepless nights we’ve racked up worrying if Jessica Alba fully understood the neutrality of certain European countries during World War II. But Bill O’Reilly’s on it. Relax, everyone.

This whole kerfuffle started when Jessica Alba told a reporter that Bill O’Reilly was an ‘a-hole’ and then started banging on about he should “be neutral… be Sweden.” Which, in turn, gave Bill O’Reilly the perfect opportunity to mock Jessica Alba for saying Sweden when she obviously meant Switzerland.

Well, Jessica Alba isn’t going to take this lying down. And that’s why she’s jumped on her computer, utilised the Microsoft Word Synonyms tool far more than is natural or healthy, and written a big long lot of self-justification. Look:

I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country’s history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people…it’s so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to.

Bill O’Reilly, you really are a massive dick. Look at what you’ve done. Everyone used to know what they got with Jessica Alba – pretty girl, grossly impractical motherhood ideals, a fierce dedication to the art of appearing almost but not quite completely naked in her terrible movies – but now you’ve made her feel the need to assert her intelligence on all of us. Thanks a lot Bill, you gigantic wanker.

You know what this means? It means that Jessica Alba is going to start appearing in piss-weak indie films just because the word ‘Darfur’ crops in in the first two pages of the script. It means that interviews with Jessica Alba are going to be even more infuriatingly vapid than usual because she’ll spend 45 seconds trying to think of a long word when a short one would have done the exact same job. It means, Bill O’Reilly, that you’ve turned this…

Into this…

Yeah, nice one Bill. You utter, utter bellend. Now neither of you have come out of this one with your dignity intact. We only hope you’re happy.

Seriously, try this crap with Megan Fox and we’ll cut your twatting balls off.

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This is it – we’re into the last week of these Eurovision betting odds, so start betting if you haven’t already.

It’s a big week for everyone. With a record 43 countries hoping to make the Eurovision Song Contest final, there’ll be two semi-finals held this week, culminating in the main event on Saturday. 43 countries, several of which are former Soviet territories. Oh, global superpower communist states, how we miss you.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Sweden, with help from Paddy Power…

Sweden (pop. 9,006,405; a Nordic country in Scandinavia) Charlotte Perrelli, Hero

Woop woop! Former Eurovision Song Contest winner alert! Having won Eurovision nine years ago with that song (you know the one. You do. OK, you probably don’t) Charlotte Perrelli is back for a second bite of the cherry with Hero, a heart-rending blockbuster of a ballad so profound that it makes even stone-hearted grown men break down in a tearful flurry of self-realisation. “Everything has a beginning/ Everything comes to an end/ Take it or leave it you’d better believe it/ Be my love or be my friend” it goes. Shame, then, that Hero is so drag queen awful that it makes us want to slam heavy objects into our face until we pass out or die. Still, if this was the Eurovision Singers Who Appear To Have Been Cross-Bred With A Cat Contest, at least we’re confident that Charlotte would walk it. Current Eurovision betting odds – 12/1

Tomorrow – Switzerland! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Eurovision betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Female singers, they’re all the range at the minute aren’t they?

Over the last year and a bit, the UK has spat out quite a few of these creatures that have gone on to sell many records. And subsequently make some fat man in a suit rich enough so he can wipe his arse with £20 notes.

Most of them, though, have come from the bloody Brit School of music. This place is worse than Borstal in terms of unleashing dangerous musical predators on to the street. Frankly, we are a bit sick of one place churning out the same thing. It stops other females such as the already trawled Beth Rowley and Laura Marley a look in.

Such dominance from the same band of artists also stops top class foreign females from getting an airplay. So this is why we have to bring Lykke Li to your attention.

Coming from the wonderful land of Sweden, Lykke Li, aka Li Lykke Timotej Zachrisson, has her songs on permanent rotation in our small and smelly workplace. We don’t really know how to describe the sound, but her voice is something else. At only 21, she can sing like the stuff of legends. Her gorgeous subtle tones will make you stop and listen as they edge over a bed of mixed sounds.

One of the main reasons why we like Lykke Li so much is because of her lyrics. Over in the UK, we are constantly hearing sodding Lily Allen and Kate Nash bang on about how crap their lives are and how men are total tossers. Great if you love diluted feminism for an idiot generation. But there is no real feeling of heart and soul in what they sing about in their annoying cockney accents. Amy Winehouse, on the other hand, is more famous for being a quivering drug-addled skeleton than for any of her actual songs.

Just listening to any of the tracks from Lykke Li shows a girl with her head screwed on straight who’s in it for the music, not the fame and celebrity status. As we listen to tracks like Tonight for the millionth time, we can’t help wonder why someone like this hasn’t shone in from the UK who hasn’t had to win it through a talent show or has battled through the live circuit like most indie bands have.

Tonight is a simple piano ballad with soaring vocals that is simply just fucking amazing. It is also available for download, and we really urge you to partially own something that oozes in warmth, beauty and soul. If this track isn’t used in some TV/film scene where everyone is a bit weepy, then some music executives need to look somewhere else for a job. What makes it even better is the fact it’s a demo.

A steady and brisk drum tap is all that’s needed on Dance Dance Dance with a gentle pluck of a guitar. Combine some wonky sounding brass towards the end and it makes for a different sound that just seems to complement her vocals perfectly. This is our favorite song to listen to that is available on her MySpace, and it is on her soon to be released album, Youth Novels.

With loads of tour dates around America and Europe to support the records release, you’d be a bit daft to miss out on seeing her live. With a voice like this, it’ll only sound better live then on a slightly compressed record.

For more:

Lykke Li MySpace

With a history like hers, Liza Minnelli must count herself lucky every second that she doesn't suddenly get ill, fall out of a tree or get trampled by a herd of furious stoats.

And, in the big scheme of things, Liza Minnelli collapsing and falling off the stage during a concert in Sweden really isn't the most important thing that's ever happened to her. But it is the most recent, so we'll go with that. Liza Minnelli collapsed and fell off the stage during a concert in Sweden on Wednesday night, and was briefly hospitalised before returning to America. Although Liza is recovering well, that'll be cold comfort to the Swedes – a 61-year-old woman with a funny haircut ploughing through her billionth rendition of New York, New York as part of a slightly overpriced Christmas carol concert would have been the most exciting thing to happen to Sweden, probably since the invention of herring.

When will these touring musicians learn not to go to Scandinavia? It's getting beyond a joke – Scandinavia turns you mental. It made Axl Rose chew on a man's leg, it shocking made Amy Winehouse take some drugs and now it has spun Liza Minnelli out so much that she's collapsed and fallen off a stage during a concert in Sweden, too.

According to reports, a Christmas concert in Gothenburg on Wednesday night was marked by Liza Minnelli toppling off the stage like a funny-eyebrowed Emma Bunton. We weren't there – obviously, since a Liza Minnelli Swedish Christmas concert with dinner and a support slot by
Carola Häggkvist sounds about as appealing as being shot up the arse by a blunderbuss – but luckily local promoter Michael
Silfverskiold was able to breathlessly repeat Liza's dramatic stage-plunge for anyone interested:

"It was a terrible situation. She fell off the side of the stage. The production manager caught her. You could see she was in pain."

Nobody knows what caused Liza Minnelli's collapse, but a statement released through her website clears things up a little:

"Liza Minnelli was scheduled to perform the final show (Dec. 12th) in a series of four concerts in Sweden this past week when she became very ill shortly after the show began. Ms. Minnelli… had complained of dizziness prior to the start of the show. As a result, she was unable to finish her performance and was rushed back to her hotel by her manager. A doctor upon examining her and in consultation with her NY physician, determined that it would be necessary for the Oscar winning actress and singer to immediately return to New York City to receive further medical evaluation."

On the plus side, it looks like everything's fine and Liza Minnelli is back and ready to resume her punishing touring schedule as of January. That tour includes six stops in the UK in May and June, so Liza should proceed with care. After all, if Sweden makes her collapse and fall off a stage, what's she going to do in the country that made David Gest – her weird ex-husband and scalp-tenderness accuser – a star? Shit blood?

Read more:

Liza Minnelli Collapses on Stage in Sweden – People 

Great news guys, Sweden's most famous export will soon have a museum in its honour.

No, there's not going to be an unusually-expensive beer museum, but an Abba one which will be opening in Stockholm in the near future. That's not because there is absolutely nothing else to do in Stockholm, but you have to admit that attracting middle-aged women and gay men in droves is a clever ploy to boost the tourist industry.

This Abba fun-fest is equipped with an area where fans can record their own Abba songs, and a disco where they can show off their dance moves. OK, it does sound like a wedding disco at a social club, but Sweden's constant moves to cater for all minorities is going a little bit too far here to accommodate for people who listen to the lowest form of musical artistry.  

At the cost of £15 million, the organisers have the childlike hope of attracting half a million visitors a year to the waterside Europop mecca. The museum opens in June 2009 and the suspense is quite literally unbearable.

Read more:

Plans Unveiled For Abba Museum – BBC 

[story by Paul McLoughlin]