Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
?Eurovision, the sparkly Olympics?of the music world, was held in Sweden last Saturday, and as usual, there was only about 10% of it actually worth watching.
And it wasn’t so much about the cheesy techno songs as it was just one big game of ‘Who Can Come Up With The Strangest Gimmick’. Some went with giant disco balls, some went with lesbian kisses and Ukraine went with a 7-ft giant dressed as a viking.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.
Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.
Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.
Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.
Rocket Ghosts, as is common knowledge, are the spirits left behind by long since exploded aerodynamic artillery. The most commonly sighted ghost rockets haunt the streets of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, where they’ve been seen playing Dance Dance Revolution in empty shops at midnight.
Ghost Rockets, on the other hand, are a strange aerial phenomenon seen thousands of times in 1946 Sweden. They were caught on radar, reported hundreds of times – and even allegedly left a crater in the bottom of a lake. And perhaps the strangest part – according to an alleged government top secret memo, is this:
“These phenomena are obviously the result of a high technical skill which cannot be credited to any presently known culture on earth.”
Have we mentioned that we’re liveblogging the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday? We are. Please come back then and validate us.
Only on Saturday, mind you. We’re not liveblogging any of those poncey Eurovision semi-finals. Especially not the one tonight, even though it could well be the last we’ll see of either of today’s participants. We refuse to liveblog that. You can watch it on TV if you like, just be aware that doing so makes you a gigantic nimrod if you do.
Here’s the Eurovision 2009 for Malena Ernman from Sweden and Lovebugs from Switzerland…
Jessica Alba has two main talents – picking terrible movies and giving unwatchable performances in them.
And now we can add a third – Jessica Alba is also a genius. No, really, she is. Recently, unbearable gasbag Bill O’Reilly mocked Jessica Alba for saying that Sweden was a neutral wartime country. And now Jessica has hit back at Bill with all sorts of long words she almost certainly doesn’t understand..
Pick sides in this Jessica Alba/ Bill O’Reilly feud if you want. We’ll just pray that they have a fistfight that culminates in them both toppling over a cliff-edge onto some jagged rocks.
This is it – we’re into the last week of these Eurovision betting odds, so start betting if you haven’t already.
It’s a big week for everyone. With a record 43 countries hoping to make the Eurovision Song Contest final, there’ll be two semi-finals held this week, culminating in the main event on Saturday. 43 countries, several of which are former Soviet territories. Oh, global superpower communist states, how we miss you.
Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Sweden, with help from Paddy Power…
Female singers, they’re all the range at the minute aren’t they?
Over the last year and a bit, the UK has spat out quite a few of these creatures that have gone on to sell many records. And subsequently make some fat man in a suit rich enough so he can wipe his arse with £20 notes.
Most of them, though, have come from the bloody Brit School of music. This place is worse than Borstal in terms of unleashing dangerous musical predators on to the street. Frankly, we are a bit sick of one place churning out the same thing. It stops other females such as the already trawled Beth Rowley and Laura Marley a look in.
Such dominance from the same band of artists also stops top class foreign females from getting an airplay. So this is why we have to bring Lykke Li to your attention.
With a history like hers, Liza Minnelli must count herself lucky every second that she doesn't suddenly get ill, fall out of a tree or get trampled by a herd of furious stoats.
And, in the big scheme of things, Liza Minnelli collapsing and falling off the stage during a concert in Sweden really isn't the most important thing that's ever happened to her. But it is the most recent, so we'll go with that. Liza Minnelli collapsed and fell off the stage during a concert in Sweden on Wednesday night, and was briefly hospitalised before returning to America. Although Liza is recovering well, that'll be cold comfort to the Swedes – a 61-year-old woman with a funny haircut ploughing through her billionth rendition of New York, New York as part of a slightly overpriced Christmas carol concert would have been the most exciting thing to happen to Sweden, probably since the invention of herring.
Great news guys, Sweden's most famous export will soon have a museum in its honour.
No, there's not going to be an unusually-expensive beer museum, but an Abba one which will be opening in Stockholm in the near future. That's not because there is absolutely nothing else to do in Stockholm, but you have to admit that attracting middle-aged women and gay men in droves is a clever ploy to boost the tourist industry.
