No music matches rap for the gladiatorial spectacle. When guitarists try to outdo each other with fretplay, it’s always with a sickening sense of bon homie. Rap? Not a chance.

Rap wants to maim.

And that is why the rap battle is one of the most glorious spectacles on Earth! We stumbled across one such battle which may surprise you. The man doing the pwning is a Jewish chap called Soul Khan. And boy, he’s sharp as a razor!

In this video – which contains an amazing amount of swearing and tasteless put-downs, so you wimps have been warned – we get to see the Massacre of the Bay!

It’s a grudge match between Stockton California’s QP (S.O.N.S. member) who takes on Brooklyn resident and California native, Soul Khan.

And Jesus H! Poor ol’ QP, as talented as he is, gets his arse handed to him in a tall hat. You just watch. Defeated with slurs and Scrabble jokes.

WATCH.

NOW.

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Robert Pattinson, a chap so boring that yawning has been known to slit its wrists in his presence, has done a swear on the tellybox, prompting hysterical fangirls to flood their gussets with a mixture of arousal and mirth.

That’s right! Despite having all the charisma of those plastic protector guards you get on new electrical plugs, he’s still able to make every woman on Earth swoon.

So what has he said? Well, he dropped the F-Bomb while ballsing up a joke which someone had written for him, undermining the notion he’s something of a great actor somewhat.

Some of you will know that R-Pattz isn’t particularly good at conveying his emotions via his mouth, even with the help of a writer and director, trying to fashion him into something vaguely humanlike.

So with that, you can imagine how awful he is at making awards show speeches.

Taking to the stage to present his Water for Elephants co-star, Reese Witherspoon, with some pointless trophy, he bumbled and fluffed his way through the English language, falling back on his schtick of simply standing very still while looking vaguely awkward and handsome.

He attempted to make a joke about being cut out of the scenes he and Reese shared, dropping a massive fuck-bomb live on the television, which the technical spuds failed to bleep out.

He said:

“I didn’t cut you out, but I did fuck you.”

This prompted actual actress, Reese to corrected her dimwitted himbo of a co-star, saying:

“By the way, Rob, the punch line to your joke was, I played your mother, then we had a sex scene, so really you’re the best mother fucker in Hollywood.”

That’s actually a reasonable joke. Oh well. Saves us from having to think of any.

*stands looking vaguely awkward and handsome*

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Heidi Klum has a new television show which sounds incredible. Seriously. Television is about to make a giant leap forward into unknown, daring new territory with Seriously Funny Kids, which chronicles the pant-soakingly hilarious things children say out loud from their snot-caked little mouth holes.

Klum, who is charisma incarnate and not in any way duller than mop water, stars in the unscripted series which features the model interacting with children and prodding them until they say something suitably funny. It is not clear whether Klum will be required to smile during the show.

However, while Klum really loves stupid children, there’s one thing that really sticks a sickle through her pickle… and that’s swearing. Y’know? Like saying ‘fuck’.

Klum, talking to a magazine like it had learning difficulties, slowly mouthed:

“When we’re around the children, we really make a point in our family to not curse or say potty words,”

“My husband and I try our best to make sure our kids are proper and have good manners. They’re already saying things that they shouldn’t be saying at their age.”

Of course they are. They meet other children and they just love a good swear don’t they?

Klum continued, talking about her eldest daughter

“Leni will sometimes come home and say, ‘What the…,’ and I say, ‘Leni, “What the…” isn’t a sentence. It’s inappropriate and you can’t say it.’”

Klum probably mutters “you little shit” under her breath as her daughter flounces off screaming “I HATE YOU! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”

But wait! Klum isn’t a complete android!

“I’m not saying I’m a saint by any means! When I’m with grown-ups and we’re out, I curse sometimes and we say some inappropriate things. But when we’re at home, my husband and I try our best to make sure our children are proper and have good manners.”

Is swearing worse than repeating yourself? In fact, it isn’t surprising that her children swear. When daddy, who happens to be Seal (the singer, not the animal) starts crooning around the house, it must be nigh-on impossible not to say ‘what the fuck?!’

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David Letterman couldn’t keep his old chap in his trousers around various interns and got blackmailed about it and it was all very unpleasant. However, cheating on your wife is nothing compared to the damage done to American thinking by Fox News and a chap called Andrew Breitbart who recently were on the receiving end of a rather sweary and fiery diatribe from the talk-show host.

In a show that saw Letterman interviewing Rachel Maddow (who is, for the record, a really splendid human) on the Late Show, they got round to discussion important stuff. Of course, hecklerspray doesn’t normally cover The Big Issues, but these issues have swear words in them, so we’re cool.

Over the jump is a video of Letterman uncharacteristically swearing and getting very political and, to be perfectly frank, it makes for some very, very good television.

Unless you work for Fox or are a frightened white conservative.

In the segment, whilst railing against political bias or whatnot, Letterman spits:

“How much time was wasted by this asshole fucking around?”

This “asshole” is Andrew Breitbart who is paid to get news coverage and edit it in such a way that it says the complete opposite of what it intended.

Watch this video and find out more.

When children grow up, schools are asked to provide a few hours of sex education classes. Here, our future generations get to put condoms on bananas and snigger at the sight of a balding man’s penis go from soft to erect in 3.2 seconds and easily beating any speed set by a sports car. Of course our precious young don’t pick up sex tips off the street, do they?

Swearing is a different kettle of onions as foul mouthed musicians, TV and film stars all project words that, according to Mary Whitehouse, send all children in to spiral of evil.

We thought that she was some crusty old woman who only got pleasure from moaning and pissing in to a bag. But after listening to the latest Mel Gibson tape, perhaps she did have a point. He does sound like the verbal devil after another rant at Oksana Grigorieva.

The most ironic thing about the whole Mel Gibson tape scenario is that no-one has thrown gangster rap in to this. Take out the references to champagne, stupidly heavy jewellery and tacky cars; you’re roughly left with a sixty minute album full of songs sounding like Mel Gibson’s berserk rants.

Hmm, it is a little bit late to blame 2Pac isn’t it?

After the initial thought of realising Mel Gibson is a total twat, it does start to get boring listening to a thunderous Gibson rant through every swearword known to man.

To jazz up the latest tape, why not print yourself off a few pairs of bingo cards so you can play ‘Mel Gibson’s Pussy Son Bingo.’ Why Pussy Son Bingo? Oddly, this is how he refers to the child. What a self confidence builder. Full of swearwords ahoy this won’t do wonders for you if easily offended or want to stop baby Jesus crying (aka NSFW):

Imagine slagging Mel Gibson off on Come Dine With Me? You’d be leaving with a 0/10 score, pieces of missing flesh and salmonella chicken salad when it’s his turn to cook.

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Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears’ promotion of Circus hasn’t got off to a particularly great start.

And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.

Britney Spears is all set to release her big shiny comeback album Circus next week, and everything’s in place. The artwork is suitably creepy, the lead single is helpfully monotonous and the entire album has been leaked onto the internet so that people can decide that they don’t like it without having to buy it first.

That just leaves one problem – the promotion of Circus. That’s just bewildering. The big push, of course, was supposed to be the Britney: For The Record documentary, but since that looks about as depressing as watching Requiem For A Dream in an abattoir at 4am with a habitual glue-sniffer, Britney Spears has chosen to do something more conventional as well – an interview with Rolling Stone.

Nothing could go wrong with that – the questions were all pre-vetted and Britney Spears would never be left alone with the reporter – unless Britney used the interview to yammer on about what filthy mouths her two- and three-year-old children have already developed. Which, oh, she did:

“They don’t look like their father at all. And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ‘stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Yes, that stands to reason. Kevin Federline isn’t exactly the model of respectability, is he? To be honest Sean Preston and Jayden James probably did learn some swearwords from him. But if Britney Spears had been in charge of looking after them, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Admittedly they would have probably learnt how to babble gibberish in a pretend British accent quite well. And how to have all sorts of gut-churning sex with obnoxious and clearly inappropriate photographers all the time. And their constant anguished screams would have been second to none. But at least they wouldn’t swear.

But so what? They’re just words. It’s not ideal that Britney’s kids know how to swear but, if anything, it’s something they could have done with learning even earlier in life. That way they’d have been able to convey complex thoughts like “Mummy, don’t run any more fucking red lights when we’re in the car with you,” or “Mummy, please don’t lock me in the fucking bathroom with you and scream about death until the police are called again, you silly old cuntwhistle.”

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If you had a really, really awful looking film coming out and you're clearly too old to pretend to be pregnant like Eva Longoria, what do you do?

Easy, if you're Diane Keaton you swear like a titting docker at the most inappropriate time you can think of, that's what. On a live visit to Good Morning America to promote her Mad Money film yesterday, Diane Keaton decided to screech "If I had lips like yours I wouldn't have to work on my fucking personality!" at host Diane Sawyer like some sort of pottymouthed harpy.

Yes, we've got video.

Thanks to her chronic inability to hang out at rehab or go through protracted custody battles with her redneck husband or flash her 62-year-old ladyparts for the paparazzi as she gets out of cars, Diane Keaton has so far managed to escape the attention of hecklerspray. And that's the way it was going to stay, until Diane Keaton decided to go on breakfast TV and start swearing like a drunken taxi driver, at least.

But then that's what Diane Keaton went and did. Promoting her rubbish-looking new film Mad Money – which loses points for being based on a not-very-good British drama called Hot Money and then loses subsequent points for having the word 'Mad' in the title and co-starring Katie Holmes - on Good Morning America, Diane Keaton decided that the best way to get the movie out there would be to scream "fucking" during a conversation about the host's mouth. Look…

See, people? This is the real cost of the writers' strike. If stars aren't allowed to go on the big talkshows like Leno to promote their films, they're going to have to get inventive. Just this week we've seen Paris Hilton possibly become Harvard's woman of the year because of The Hottie And The Nottie, we've seen Eva Longoria invent a non-pregnancy because of Over Her Dead Body and now Diane Keaton is shouting the word 'fucking' on breakfast television like some sort of wrinkly Sex Pistol.

Where will this all end? Will Raven Simone kick a tramp in the nutsack before College Road Trip comes out? Will Kate Hudson anally violate someone with her fingers while screaming fascist propaganda in their ear to mark the release of Fool's Gold? Writers, come back, we just want this blasted strike over.

Read more:

Diane Keaton Swears On TV, FCC Stammers - Reuters 

Christmas is coming – you can tell by that distinct chill in the air, the look of barely-contained glee on the faces of children and the sight of a red-faced, bulge-eyed former Hollyoaks actor hurling swearwords at a cluster of young families.

That former Hollyoaks actor, as if it could be anyone else, was our old friend Paul Danan – who up to six of you may remember from also being on Celebrity Love Island a couple of years ago. Paul Danan was all set to play Jack in the local panto production of Jack And The Beanstalk at Preston's Charter Theatre this year, but now he's not. What could Paul Danan have done to lose such a searingly high-profile acting role? Why, screaming "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!" at the disparate gaggle of bewildered children and pensioners who'd come to see Danan switch on Preston's Christmas lights, of course. 

In these socially-fragmented, multicultural, multi-choice times, the world needs figures like Paul Danan like never before; figures that unite everyone regardless of gender, race, age or persuasion in thinking "Christ, what a fucking idiot. Seriously. What a complete tool."

Everyone who knows Paul Danan knows what a screeching little overcompensating turd he is, mostly thanks to his stint on Celebrity Love Island where he stalked a girl, then screamed violently at her, then got drunk and screamed "you're my little bitch!" at anyone within a kilometre of him. In fact, it's fair to say that Paul Danan's life is one long guilt-ridden hungover 'did I really do that last night?' moment stretched out to fill a lifetime, but without any of the usual shame that  tends to accompany it.

Even though we can't quite get our heads around the public wanting to pay to see Paul Danan in anything – with the one exception of a brick-filled bin-liner on a crumbling riverbank – the good people of Preston inexplicably decided to give Danan a second chance this year and offered him £5,000 to play the lead in its Jack And The Beanstalk panto, due to start on December 8. And it was all going swimmingly, right up until some idiot thought to ask Paul Danan to switch on the Christmas lights as well.

As a nice touch to help promote the panto, organisers of the event wanted Paul Danan to dress up as Jack to turn on the lights. But Danan apparently refused on the basis that it made him look "like a twat." Leaving aside the fact that his own face, body, voice and brain already do a decent enough job of that, Paul Danan then went onstage and yelled this unforgettably family-friendly opening at the assembled crowd:

"Come on, make some motherfucking noise!"

After which Paul Danan had his microphone swiped by a local DJ before he could manage to bellow any more obscenities, was hit with an on-the-spot £100 fine by police and got the sack from the panto for his behaviour. So it'll be a lean Christmas in the Danan household this year – but what about Preston's panto? After all, there's only just over two weeks to go to find another star and rehearse them before the first performance.

Our advice to the panto's producers is to aim high. Sure, you may have lost a first-class actor in Paul Danan, but that isn't to say that you can't find someone more talented and famous in such a short space of time. Someone like your own Nan or that crazy Russian lady who hangs around Preston town centre sometimes screaming at shoppers that they killed her mum and dad.