And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.

Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.

Britney Spears is all set to release her big shiny comeback album Circus next week, and everything’s in place. The artwork is suitably creepy, the lead single is helpfully monotonous and the entire album has been leaked onto the internet so that people can decide that they don’t like it without having to buy it first.

That just leaves one problem – the promotion of Circus. That’s just bewildering. The big push, of course, was supposed to be the Britney: For The Record documentary, but since that looks about as depressing as watching Requiem For A Dream in an abattoir at 4am with a habitual glue-sniffer, Britney Spears has chosen to do something more conventional as well – an interview with Rolling Stone.

Nothing could go wrong with that – the questions were all pre-vetted and Britney Spears would never be left alone with the reporter – unless Britney used the interview to yammer on about what filthy mouths her two- and three-year-old children have already developed. Which, oh, she did:

“They don’t look like their father at all. And it’s weird ’cause they’re starting to learn words like ’stupid,’ and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn’t get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.”

Yes, that stands to reason. Kevin Federline isn’t exactly the model of respectability, is he? To be honest Sean Preston and Jayden James probably did learn some swearwords from him. But if Britney Spears had been in charge of looking after them, that wouldn’t be the case at all. Admittedly they would have probably learnt how to babble gibberish in a pretend British accent quite well. And how to have all sorts of gut-churning sex with obnoxious and clearly inappropriate photographers all the time. And their constant anguished screams would have been second to none. But at least they wouldn’t swear.

But so what? They’re just words. It’s not ideal that Britney’s kids know how to swear but, if anything, it’s something they could have done with learning even earlier in life. That way they’d have been able to convey complex thoughts like “Mummy, don’t run any more fucking red lights when we’re in the car with you,” or “Mummy, please don’t lock me in the fucking bathroom with you and scream about death until the police are called again, you silly old cuntwhistle.”

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Easy, if you're Diane Keaton you swear like a titting docker at the most inappropriate time you can think of, that's what. On a live visit to Good Morning America to promote her Mad Money film yesterday, Diane Keaton decided to screech "If I had lips like yours I wouldn't have to work on my fucking personality!" at host Diane Sawyer like some sort of pottymouthed harpy.

Yes, we've got video.

Thanks to her chronic inability to hang out at rehab or go through protracted custody battles with her redneck husband or flash her 62-year-old ladyparts for the paparazzi as she gets out of cars, Diane Keaton has so far managed to escape the attention of hecklerspray. And that's the way it was going to stay, until Diane Keaton decided to go on breakfast TV and start swearing like a drunken taxi driver, at least.

But then that's what Diane Keaton went and did. Promoting her rubbish-looking new film Mad Money – which loses points for being based on a not-very-good British drama called Hot Money and then loses subsequent points for having the word 'Mad' in the title and co-starring Katie Holmes - on Good Morning America, Diane Keaton decided that the best way to get the movie out there would be to scream "fucking" during a conversation about the host's mouth. Look…

See, people? This is the real cost of the writers' strike. If stars aren't allowed to go on the big talkshows like Leno to promote their films, they're going to have to get inventive. Just this week we've seen Paris Hilton possibly become Harvard's woman of the year because of The Hottie And The Nottie, we've seen Eva Longoria invent a non-pregnancy because of Over Her Dead Body and now Diane Keaton is shouting the word 'fucking' on breakfast television like some sort of wrinkly Sex Pistol.

Where will this all end? Will Raven Simone kick a tramp in the nutsack before College Road Trip comes out? Will Kate Hudson anally violate someone with her fingers while screaming fascist propaganda in their ear to mark the release of Fool's Gold? Writers, come back, we just want this blasted strike over.

Read more:

Diane Keaton Swears On TV, FCC Stammers - Reuters 

That former Hollyoaks actor, as if it could be anyone else, was our old friend Paul Danan – who up to six of you may remember from also being on Celebrity Love Island a couple of years ago. Paul Danan was all set to play Jack in the local panto production of Jack And The Beanstalk at Preston's Charter Theatre this year, but now he's not. What could Paul Danan have done to lose such a searingly high-profile acting role? Why, screaming "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!" at the disparate gaggle of bewildered children and pensioners who'd come to see Danan switch on Preston's Christmas lights, of course. 

In these socially-fragmented, multicultural, multi-choice times, the world needs figures like Paul Danan like never before; figures that unite everyone regardless of gender, race, age or persuasion in thinking "Christ, what a fucking idiot. Seriously. What a complete tool."

Everyone who knows Paul Danan knows what a screeching little overcompensating turd he is, mostly thanks to his stint on Celebrity Love Island where he stalked a girl, then screamed violently at her, then got drunk and screamed "you're my little bitch!" at anyone within a kilometre of him. In fact, it's fair to say that Paul Danan's life is one long guilt-ridden hungover 'did I really do that last night?' moment stretched out to fill a lifetime, but without any of the usual shame that  tends to accompany it.

Even though we can't quite get our heads around the public wanting to pay to see Paul Danan in anything – with the one exception of a brick-filled bin-liner on a crumbling riverbank – the good people of Preston inexplicably decided to give Danan a second chance this year and offered him £5,000 to play the lead in its Jack And The Beanstalk panto, due to start on December 8. And it was all going swimmingly, right up until some idiot thought to ask Paul Danan to switch on the Christmas lights as well.

As a nice touch to help promote the panto, organisers of the event wanted Paul Danan to dress up as Jack to turn on the lights. But Danan apparently refused on the basis that it made him look "like a twat." Leaving aside the fact that his own face, body, voice and brain already do a decent enough job of that, Paul Danan then went onstage and yelled this unforgettably family-friendly opening at the assembled crowd:

"Come on, make some motherfucking noise!"

After which Paul Danan had his microphone swiped by a local DJ before he could manage to bellow any more obscenities, was hit with an on-the-spot £100 fine by police and got the sack from the panto for his behaviour. So it'll be a lean Christmas in the Danan household this year – but what about Preston's panto? After all, there's only just over two weeks to go to find another star and rehearse them before the first performance.

Our advice to the panto's producers is to aim high. Sure, you may have lost a first-class actor in Paul Danan, but that isn't to say that you can't find someone more talented and famous in such a short space of time. Someone like your own Nan or that crazy Russian lady who hangs around Preston town centre sometimes screaming at shoppers that they killed her mum and dad.