Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
No music matches rap for the gladiatorial spectacle. When guitarists try to outdo each other with fretplay, it’s always with a sickening sense of bon homie. Rap? Not a chance.
Rap wants to maim.
And that is why the rap battle is one of the most glorious spectacles on Earth! We stumbled across one such battle which may surprise you. The man doing the pwning is a Jewish chap called Soul Khan. And boy, he’s sharp as a razor!
Robert Pattinson, a chap so boring that yawning has been known to slit its wrists in his presence, has done a swear on the tellybox, prompting hysterical fangirls to flood their gussets with a mixture of arousal and mirth.
That’s right! Despite having all the charisma of those plastic protector guards you get on new electrical plugs, he’s still able to make every woman on Earth swoon.
So what has he said? Well, he dropped the F-Bomb while ballsing up a joke which someone had written for him, undermining the notion he’s something of a great actor somewhat.
Heidi Klum has a new television show which sounds incredible. Seriously. Television is about to make a giant leap forward into unknown, daring new territory with Seriously Funny Kids, which chronicles the pant-soakingly hilarious things children say out loud from their snot-caked little mouth holes.
Klum, who is charisma incarnate and not in any way duller than mop water, stars in the unscripted series which features the model interacting with children and prodding them until they say something suitably funny. It is not clear whether Klum will be required to smile during the show.
However, while Klum really loves stupid children, there’s one thing that really sticks a sickle through her pickle… and that’s swearing. Y’know? Like saying ‘fuck’.
David Letterman couldn’t keep his old chap in his trousers around various interns and got blackmailed about it and it was all very unpleasant. However, cheating on your wife is nothing compared to the damage done to American thinking by Fox News and a chap called Andrew Breitbart who recently were on the receiving end of a rather sweary and fiery diatribe from the talk-show host.
In a show that saw Letterman interviewing Rachel Maddow (who is, for the record, a really splendid human) on the Late Show, they got round to discussion important stuff. Of course, hecklerspray doesn’t normally cover The Big Issues, but these issues have swear words in them, so we’re cool.
Over the jump is a video of Letterman uncharacteristically swearing and getting very political and, to be perfectly frank, it makes for some very, very good television.
Unless you work for Fox or are a frightened white conservative.
When children grow up, schools are asked to provide a few hours of sex education classes. Here, our future generations get to put condoms on bananas and snigger at the sight of a balding man’s penis go from soft to erect in 3.2 seconds and easily beating any speed set by a sports car. Of course our precious young don't pick up sex tips off the street, do they?
Swearing is a different kettle of onions as foul mouthed musicians, TV and film stars all project words that, according to Mary Whitehouse, send all children in to spiral of evil.
We thought that she was some crusty old woman who only got pleasure from moaning and pissing in to a bag. But after listening to the latest Mel Gibson tape, perhaps she did have a point. He does sound like the verbal devil after another rant at Oksana Grigorieva.
Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears’ promotion of Circus hasn’t got off to a particularly great start.
And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool – an interview with Rolling Stone – to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can’t stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time.
Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here – at least they’re using words to communicate. That’s far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.
If you had a really, really awful looking film coming out and you're clearly too old to pretend to be pregnant like Eva Longoria, what do you do?
Easy, if you're Diane Keaton you swear like a titting docker at the most inappropriate time you can think of, that's what. On a live visit to Good Morning America to promote her Mad Money film yesterday, Diane Keaton decided to screech "If I had lips like yours I wouldn't have to work on my fucking personality!" at host Diane Sawyer like some sort of pottymouthed harpy.
Yes, we've got video.
Christmas is coming – you can tell by that distinct chill in the air, the look of barely-contained glee on the faces of children and the sight of a red-faced, bulge-eyed former Hollyoaks actor hurling swearwords at a cluster of young families.
That former Hollyoaks actor, as if it could be anyone else, was our old friend Paul Danan – who up to six of you may remember from also being on Celebrity Love Island a couple of years ago. Paul Danan was all set to play Jack in the local panto production of Jack And The Beanstalk at Preston's Charter Theatre this year, but now he's not. What could Paul Danan have done to lose such a searingly high-profile acting role? Why, screaming "Come on, make some motherfucking noise!" at the disparate gaggle of bewildered children and pensioners who'd come to see Danan switch on Preston's Christmas lights, of course.
