Cheryl Cole is not only planning a divorce, but an STI check too, as she is worried that her husband Ashley’s penis may have infested her vagina with the fanny bacteria of Brooke Healy, according to The Star.

Brooke, a model, recently claimed that the marauding Chelsea left back managed to slip one into her empty net, having told her that he doesn’t like having a goalie involved, as they ruin the feeling he gets as his ball ripples round the back of the net.

It should be said that it's never been confirmed that Ashley Cole has just the one ball.